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    It Cuts Both Ways

    | Middlesbrough, UK |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.”

    Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?”

    Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.”

    Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…”

    Man: “Look, I bought this camera about 6 weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.”

    Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

    Man: “So get someone who can!”

    (I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.)

    Manager: “Good afternoon, Sir. **** has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right, we can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.”

    Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?”

    Manager: “Let me ask you this–if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?”

    Man: “Of course not, I’m not stupid!”

    Manager: “And neither am I, Sir. Good day!”

    Mind Games With The Mindless

    | Littleton, CO, USA |

    (I work in a few different departments, so it’s not uncommon for me to see the same customer twice…)

    Me: “How are you today, folks?”

    Man: “We’re just fine.”

    (We chat for a moment, then I walk 20 feet over to our paint counter. About 5 minutes passes and the same customer passes me.)

    Man: “You know, you look like the guy that talked to us over in fitness.”

    Me: *grinning* “Yes sir, that was my stunt double.”

    (The man walks away with a confused look on his face.)

    Coworker: “You know, you’d really blow his mind if you met him at the front door.”

    Thomas Jefferson, Colonial Hippie

    | Shiloh, IL, USA |

    (A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:)

    Manager: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?”

    Manager: “Yes ma’am, unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.”

    Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?”

    Manager: “Uh…yes.”

    Customer: “Well if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!”

    Geez, I Wonder How It Broke

    | Mount Laurel, NJ, USA |

    (Man walks up to repair counter and puts computer on the counter.)

    Man: “I need to get this fixed.”

    Me: “Okay, if you can just start by filling out these forms, I’ll plug in the unit in and see what’s up.”

    Man: “It just doesn’t turn on at all anymore.”

    (At this point I can’t help but notice the bay of connectors on the system appears to have been KICKED in. My co-worker notices this and silently laughs.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that the system is physically damaged, and our warranties don’t cover this. I can price up a non-warranty repair if you like, but it’s likely to be pricey because the logic board appears to have been, er, cracked.”

    Man: “WHAT?! What in the **** are you talking about?”

    Me: “As you can see there is a large dent in the back of the unit, and it has damaged the logic board.”

    Man: “Well I didn’t ****ing do that, it must’ve happened in the ****ing car! I had to stop hard and it slid off the ****ing seat.”

    Co-worker: “Actually, sir, it seems as if it was damaged by impact, such as a boot, or a hammer. Regardless, even if that were the case and it did happen in the car, it’s still non-covered physical damage.”

    Man: “That’s ****ing bull****! It didn’t work before that happened in the ****ing car like I’m telling you it did, so you need to fix it!”

    Me: “I’m afraid that any type of physical damage voids your warranty.”

    Man: “So what the **** are you telling me?!”

    Co-worker: “Well, we could fix it, but it’s likely more cost-effective to buy a new system.”

    (The man, showing clear anger-management issues (which we assume is what happened), shoves the computer over causing it to slam down and the side to break.)

    Man: “SO WHAT DID I BUY A ****ING WARRANTY FOR?!”

    Co-worker: “Well, sir, as we said, physical damage isn’t covered by the warranty…and now we have the cause of physical damage on the camera too.”

    Man: “Oh **** this **** and **** all of you.”

    (Man picks up computer and walks over to the customer service counter, slamming it down on that counter, causing more damage. He demands to speak to a manager, who told him the same thing we did.)

    Man, suddenly shouting: “**** this ****ing place to ****ing hell. I’m gonna ****ing sue the **** outta y’all!”

    (The man storms out, leaving his computer at the counter.)

    The Thing On The Thing With The Thing

    | Woonsocket, RI, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I direct your call?”

    Customer: “Do you have any of those things you can put on tables?”

    Me: “Like a table cloth?”

    Customer: “No. They’re those things you can put on tables.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can put a lot of things on tables.”

    Customer: “Well I don’t know what they’re called! You’re the one who should know!”

    Me: *face on desk*

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