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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer runs in two minutes to closing time.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we’re closing soon.”

    Customer: “What do you mean, you’re closing? But I haven’t had time to get what I want!”

    Me: “We’re open again tomorrow, 9 til 9.”

    Customer: “You should stay open until 10. People need to do their shopping, you know.”

    Me: “Sir, people like you are the reason that people like me don’t have lives.”

    How Spiderwoman Goes Shopping

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, where is the exit to the street?”

    Me: “Take the escalator down to the first floor and go out any of the doors.”

    Customer: “Down? I have to go down? But I came in on this floor.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is the 3rd floor.”

    Customer: “But I came in on this floor.”

    Me: “That’s impossible, this is the 3rd floor. ”

    Customer: “Are you sure? I swear I came in on this floor. And you know, the customer is always right. ”

    Me: “Unless you scaled the building to get in, I am right on this one.”

    Not Quite An Open And Shut Case

    | Kittery, ME, USA |

    (This caller was a real-life version of the one in How To Open a Book.)

    Caller: “Hi, I bought a DVD here earlier today, but I can’t get it out of the case. ”

    Me: “Alright, is it a new or pre-owned DVD?”

    (Our pre-owned DVDs are all locked with a piece of red plastic that has to be removed before they leave the store.)

    Caller: “I don’t know. It was like $7.”

    Me: “Well, we have both pre-owned and new movies at that price. Is the case wrapped in plastic?”

    Caller: “Well, there’s plastic on it.”

    Me: “Alright, so you’ll need to take the plastic off of the case.”

    Caller: “That won’t break it?”

    Me: “If the case is wrapped in transparent plastic, you are going to need to remove all of that plastic first.”

    Caller: “How? I don’t want to break it.”

    Me: “Okay. You’ll need to remove the plastic wrap. If you have problems, get a pair of scissors or a knife and use that to cut open the plastic, and then take it off the case.”

    Caller: “Okay, but it still won’t open.”

    Me: “Are there any stickers covering the sides of the case?”

    Caller: “Yes. There’s one on the top. ”

    Me: “You’ll need to pull that off.”

    Caller: “The case still won’t open, though. I don’t want to break it.”

    Me: “Are there any other stickers on the case?”

    Caller: “No. Well, there’s one of the left side that looks like the one on the top.”

    Me: “Right. You’ll have to remove that. And any other stickers that look like it.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. But it’s still not opening.”

    Me: “Any other stickers or plastic wrap?”

    Caller: “No!”

    Me: “Okay… tell me, what does the case look like?”

    Caller: “Well, there’s the side of the case that says the name of the movie and then there’s a black side that looks like the top and bottom.”

    Me: “And what side are you trying to open? The black side?”

    Caller: “No! The side with the title! Why isn’t it opening?”

    Me: “Okay. I want you to put the case down on a table or something. Okay? Now. Put the case face up, like a book, with the front of the case facing you. Okay? Now. Go to the RIGHT side of the case, with the two black pieces of plastic–”

    Caller: “Not the left side?”

    Me: “No. NOT the left side. The RIGHT side.”

    Caller: “So not the side with the title?”

    Me: “No. The RIGHT side. Now. Pull the RIGHT side open.”

    Caller: “It isn’t working!”

    Me: “Are you opening the RIGHT side?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Try the RIGHT side.”

    Caller: “…Oh. Thanks. They shouldn’t make these so hard to open you know!” *click*

    It’s Pr0ning LOLcats And Blogs

    , | Ohio, USA |

    (I was teaching a 60 year-old or so guy how to use the internet.)

    Customer: “So… I can search for… ANYTHING?”

    Me: “Anything.”

    Customer: “And this will just find it for me?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    (We search for a baseball score, find it, and go back to Google. He clicks on the search bar again and “baseball scores” comes up.)

    Customer: “Oh, it keeps a list?”

    Me: “Yeah, so it’s easier to find the stuff you like next time.”

    Customer: *disheartened* “Can I get rid of that? You know, like if I… you know… buy my wife a present or something and don’t want her to know about it?”

    Me: “Yeah, just click on ‘Reset Safari’ and it will delete any evidence of what you searched.”

    (The guy is clearly dumbfounded at the world of opportunities now available to him.)

    Customer: “You just saved my marriage.”

    (Enjoy your porn, Gary.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Personally, I Prefer Stars And Polkadots

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    American customer: “Your flag is just so pretty. I love maple leaves. Does it come in blue?”

    Me: “Um, no, sorry, only red.”

    American customer: “That’s a shame. My kitchen is blue, and it would look so pretty on the wall. You should make them in other colours.”

    Me: “…”

    Canadian customer behind her: “That’s a good point. I’ve always thought the stars-and-stripes would look great in earth tones.”

    American customer: “Our flag is ALWAYS red, white and blue! Honestly, Canadians are so stupid sometimes.”

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