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  • Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman With Fake Stones

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (A woman comes up to the counter with a tennis bracelet.)

    Customer: “I’d like to have this professionally cleaned, please.”

    Me: “We’d be happy to do that for you. Can you give me the value so that we can put that on the form for insurance?”

    Customer: “Of course. It’s worth $15,000.”

    Me: “Ma’am, for such a high value, I’ll need to verify that these are actually diamonds.”

    Customer: “Of course they’re real diamonds! My husband gave that to me for our anniversary, and said it was diamonds!”

    (I go and get our diamond tester from the back.¬†If the stones are diamonds, the machine will beep.¬†I test the bracelet in front of her. It doesn’t beep.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these are more than likely cubic zirconia, and the highest value I could insure this bracelet for is $2,000.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you! Your machine must be broken!”

    (I reach into the display case, and pull out a diamond ring. I silently test multiple stones, and the machine beeps as it should.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s functioning properly. We’ll be happy to send your bracelet out for cleaning, but will only be able to insure it for $2,000.”

    (The woman’s face at this point is so contorted with rage she looks like she’s going to pop. She snatches the bracelet up and runs out of the store.)

    Manager: “I’d like to be a fly on the wall, when he gets home!”

    Grog Carry Bag, Grog Not Fashion Consultant

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    Customer: “What do you think about this bra?”

    Customer’s husband: “Umm… sure.”

    Customer: “Okay, should I get this one in white or black?”

    Customer’s husband: “I don’t know! I don’t wear them, I just take them off of you!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Now You Know How We Feel

    | New York, USA |

    (It’s Sunday and I’m dressed up because I just came from church. I’m shopping at the local bed and bath store.)

    Customer: “Excuse me? Where are the curtain rods?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Me: “I don’t work here, ma’am, so I don’t know where the curtain rods are. I can help you find someone who does, though.”

    Customer: “This is unacceptable. Show me where the curtain rods are.”

    Me: “I hate to break this to you, but I really don’t work here. I think there is a help desk over there, though.”

    Customer: *calls husband over* “Can you set her straight? I’m trying to find curtain rods and she refuses to help me!”

    Husband: “Look, you are getting paid far to much money to be screwing around! Now, my wife asked you something very simple. She cannot seem to find the curtain rods. Show us where they are, or we will call your manager.”

    Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but I don’t work here. I don’t know where they are.”

    Husband: “I can tell a worker when I see one. No one but workers wears suits.”

    Me: “I wear them for church, sir.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m wearing a suit because I just came from church with my family. I’m sorry I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “I hate this store.”

    Husband: “I know, honey, I know. Let’s just go. We can get curtain rods online!”

    (I feel so sorry for the people who actually work here.)

    A Little Bit Too Specific

    | Pasadena, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, you know your stock pretty well, right?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Customer: “My wife is divorcing me, but her birthday is next week. I need a card for that.”

    Me: “…I don’t think they really make a card for that occasion.”

    … And We Wonder Why Everyone Hates Us, Part Two

    | Birmingham, AL, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for something that ain’t made in China. This one says made in EU… what’s that mean?”

    Me: “It means it’s made in the European Union.”

    Customer: “Billy! Billy come quick! This lady says Europe’s a union now!

    Me: “No, ma’am, it means…”

    Billy: “Europe united? ”

    Me: “Sir, the European Union is…”

    Billy: “‘Bout g*d**n time. It was them d*** countries that started the war!”

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