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    Oral Fixations, The Later Years

    | Southern California, USA |

    (A customer takes a free sample from a barrel marked “FREE DOG BISCUITS”.)

    Woman: “Are these free?”

    Me: “Yes, those are free samples.”

    Woman: “What are they?” *rips package open*

    Me: “Those are dog biscuits, ma’am.”

    Woman: *takes a bite of the DOG BISCUITS* “These are the worst cookies I’ve ever tasted!”

    Me: “No doubt…”

    Posted: Picky Procrastinator Prefers Plethora of Paraphernalia

    | Valencia, CA, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****** ma’am!¬†Is there anything I can help you find?”

    Customer: “Do you have any glass candle holders?”

    Me: “Of course, what kind were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Oh, nothing in particular. Could you bring me a selection? The kids are kinda cranky and I need to get some towels.”

    Me: “Here’s about eight different kinds.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have anything tall and thin? I need something about six inches high.”

    Me: “Two of these are over six inches…”

    Customer: “Those are too plain. Can I get something with a floral pattern?¬†Etched on the glass, I mean. ”

    Me: “This one has an etched vine design on it.”

    Customer: “Oh that one’s too expensive.¬†It needs to be under five dollars.”

    Me: “I found a style that fits your description, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Great! How many of them do you have?”

    Me: “Well, it was in the clearance section, which means that more than five could be difficult to find. How many do you need?”

    Customer: “Five hundred.”

    Me: “… um, I don’t think we have five hundred of ANYTHING in stock.¬†We don’t deal in high volume. I can order five hundred of this item for you though, and have them delivered to your house.”

    Customer: “How long would that take?”

    Me: “For an older item like this, and with that high a number, it will probably take the full two weeks specified in our shipping guarantee. We’ll need to get them from multiple locations.”

    Customer: “Oh.¬†I need them by tomorrow. ”

    Me: “… what?”

    Customer: “It’s a big charity event I’m hosting, and I need five hundred identical glass candle holders by tomorrow. ¬†Plus you do free gift wrapping, and I figured I could save some money there. ¬†I wanted ones like I saw in another store but I guess you just don’t have a very good selection.”

    Me: “Not if you need five hundred of them at once!”


    | Northern California, USA |

    (A man shoves himself to the front of a long line of people.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the line.”

    Him: “NO! I’m the Messiah!”

    Me: “Wow. The Jews are in for a BIG disappointment.”

    (He stands there for a second and shuffles to the back of the line. The other customers applaud.)

    Mr. Anal And Mrs. Retentive Go To Scotland

    | Dundee, Scotland, UK |

    (A South American customer and his wife are browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

    Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… Why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

    Me: “Well, you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

    Customer: “I can see that! I’m not stupid!”

    Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick-knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

    Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you. We’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

    Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

    Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

    Customer’s wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

    Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

    Customer’s wife: “She’s stupid. ”

    (His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

    Customer: “You should know things like that. You do work here. What’s the point?!”

    iPod, Meet iDiet

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Top

    (I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

    Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

    Me: “No…?”

    (I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until 10 minutes later.)

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