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    Aaaa-men, Brotha

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (When I was a teenager I worked in a skateboard shop in the mall. I was working with my buddy and we see a loud, filthy group of guys coming down the hall towards our store.)

    Loud, filthy customer #1: ¬†”You guys sell hackie sacks, the kind with sand in ‘em?”

    Me: ¬†”Yup, right there.” *pointing*

    Loud, filthy customer #2: “What’s the return policy?”

    Me: “Thirty days with a receipt.”

    Loud, filthy customer #2: ¬†”So, if I shoot this hackie sack with mah sawed-off 12-gauge and run it over in mah truck, you’ll still take it back?¬†HAW HAW!”

    Me: ¬†”Heh, no. Thanks, guys.”

    (They leave. All the while, my coworker has been there, arms crossed, not moving an inch, with a cold, dead, angry stare.)

    Coworker: ¬†”Cousins need to STOP f***ing.”

    (I’d never laughed so hard in my life.)

    Retail Defender, AntiCheapskate Edition

    , | Chicago, IL, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (I work in a large electronics retail chain. A guy asks me to find the latest version of Norton AntiVirus for him, which I do. He takes a look at the price and starts yelling about how outrageous it is ($100.00 US).)

    Guy: “What the h***? How can you people get away with this? This is a scam!”

    Me: “Sir, I can suggest another type of protection if this one is too expensive…”

    Guy: “No way! This is the one I want, but I’m not paying this.”

    Me: “Sir I–”

    Guy: “I bet I can find it online for much cheaper. Heck, even free! ”

    Me: “Sir, I think that–”

    Guy: “That’s what I’ll do… I’ll find it for free online! Better than this s***!”

    (A young woman nearby is listening and speaks up.)

    Woman: “Yeah, you can find it online, for free.”

    Guy: “Really, where? Tell me!”

    Woman: “L****party.org.” (Warning: This is a disturbing porn site that I would not recommend viewing.)

    Guy: “Thanks!” *turns back to me, smirking* “Ha, guess I won’t be spending any money on this s***!”

    Me, to the girl: “That… was awesome.”

    Woman: “Well, an a**hole like that deserves it. I figured that you couldn’t tell him that without getting fired.”

    (The young woman gets a free gift card; that guy never comes back. I still wonder what went through his mind when the site popped up.)

    Because Real Men Don’t Need (Or Follow) Instructions

    , | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (This all began over the phone with a male customer who hadn’t received a instruction manual with their game.)

    Me: “Okay, so you didn’t receive a manual correct?”

    Male Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Can I bring it in and exchange it for another that has a manual?”

    Me: “Of course, just bring in both the game and the receipt.”

    Male Customer:“Ok, great. I should be there in about half an hour.”

    Me: “Sounds good.”

    (Half an hour later…)

    Male Customer: “Hey, I called about returning my game without the manual.”

    Me: “Oh yeah, sure. I’ve got the game ready for you and everything. So all I need is the receipt…”

    (A look of horror crosses the customer’s face, which is quickly replaced with a look of feigned puzzlement.)

    Male Customer: “… receipt?”

    Me: “Yes, receipt.”

    Male Customer: “You didn’t tell me to bring a receipt. Can we do it without it?”

    Me: “Er… no. I very specifically told you to bring one so we could do the transaction. Also, I need to know the games from our store.”

    Male Customer: “No, you didn’t! Look, I just drove across town to get here to get this stupid manual from you guys because you didn’t give it to me!”

    Me: “That was a factory defect sir, we don’t package the games, we just sell them. Also, there’s nothing I can do without a receipt.”

    Male Customer: “Well, can’t you just open that one–” *points to the new game I’ve pulled out for him* “–and give me the manual from there?”

    Me: “No, that would leave us with another game with no manual, only it wouldn’t be in our system. We can’t do the transaction and we also need to know that it’s from our store first.”

    Male Customer: “Look dude, just give it to me, your boss doesn’t have to know!”

    (I glance to my side where my manager is standing with a badge that says “Manager”. He sighs and quite calmly says… )

    Manager: “Sir, please go home, be a man and learn the game without reading the manual first. Thank you. Goodbye.”

    Oral Fixations, The Later Years

    | Southern California, USA |

    (A customer takes a free sample from a barrel marked “FREE DOG BISCUITS”.)

    Woman: “Are these free?”

    Me: “Yes, those are free samples.”

    Woman: “What are they?” *rips package open*

    Me: “Those are dog biscuits, ma’am.”

    Woman: *takes a bite of the DOG BISCUITS* “These are the worst cookies I’ve ever tasted!”

    Me: “No doubt…”

    Posted: Picky Procrastinator Prefers Plethora of Paraphernalia

    | Valencia, CA, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****** ma’am!¬†Is there anything I can help you find?”

    Customer: “Do you have any glass candle holders?”

    Me: “Of course, what kind were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Oh, nothing in particular. Could you bring me a selection? The kids are kinda cranky and I need to get some towels.”

    Me: “Here’s about eight different kinds.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have anything tall and thin? I need something about six inches high.”

    Me: “Two of these are over six inches…”

    Customer: “Those are too plain. Can I get something with a floral pattern?¬†Etched on the glass, I mean. ”

    Me: “This one has an etched vine design on it.”

    Customer: “Oh that one’s too expensive.¬†It needs to be under five dollars.”

    Me: “I found a style that fits your description, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Great! How many of them do you have?”

    Me: “Well, it was in the clearance section, which means that more than five could be difficult to find. How many do you need?”

    Customer: “Five hundred.”

    Me: “… um, I don’t think we have five hundred of ANYTHING in stock.¬†We don’t deal in high volume. I can order five hundred of this item for you though, and have them delivered to your house.”

    Customer: “How long would that take?”

    Me: “For an older item like this, and with that high a number, it will probably take the full two weeks specified in our shipping guarantee. We’ll need to get them from multiple locations.”

    Customer: “Oh.¬†I need them by tomorrow. ”

    Me: “… what?”

    Customer: “It’s a big charity event I’m hosting, and I need five hundred identical glass candle holders by tomorrow. ¬†Plus you do free gift wrapping, and I figured I could save some money there. ¬†I wanted ones like I saw in another store but I guess you just don’t have a very good selection.”

    Me: “Not if you need five hundred of them at once!”

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