Under The N-Sea-17

| Silver Spring, MD, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello ma’am. Welcome to ****. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to know which is the best animated pornographic movie you have.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s for my husband. I’d like to buy him one for his birthday.”

Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell those.”

Customer: *exasperated* “Yes you DO.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t.”

Customer: “YES YOU DO. I just SAW them. I’ll go get it!”

(A few minutes later she returns, waving “The Little Mermaid” in my face.)

Customer: “See? SEE?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, that’s a Disney movie. It’s aimed at little kids.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Disney is well-known for their children’s movies.”


(She angrily walks out of the store, throwing the movie on the ground.)

Air Mattress 2: The Secret Of The Ooze

| Columbus, OH, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I bought this air mattress here a few weeks ago. It was a good deal, but something’s not right.”

Me: “Does it have a leak, perhaps? That’s a fairly common problem.”

Customer: “No no, nothing like that. It holds the air fine.”

Me: “All right – what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s mutating. It just keeps growing on its own.”

(I look at the mattress, which fits perfectly fine in its box.)

Me: “Growing?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s alive! The sheets don’t fit it anymore, and it won’t stop expanding. I was sold a mutating mattress!”

Thou Shalt Not Use The Lord’s Name To Haggle

, | Dallas, TX, USA | Money, Religion

(My coworker has just put together a very expensive PA System for the pastor of a church.)

Coworker: “Alright pastor, is there anything else I can get for you today?”

Pastor: “No… thank you. I’m very grateful for all your help. What is the price, son?”

Coworker: “Well, after all of the added items and sales tax, your total comes to $4,478.89.”

Pastor: “What!? Let me ask you this… what would JESUS pay for this?!”

Coworker: *without delay* “Sir, Jesus paid the ultimate price and died for your sins. Your total is still $4,478.89.”

(The pastor was not amused, but paid the full amount.)

Either She’s A Revisionist Scholar, Or She Needs A Dictionary

, | Iowa, USA | History

Me: “Ma’am, may I help you find a particular title?”

Customer: “I don’t know exactly what I want. I just want a good book to read.”

Me: “Is there a topic that you are especially interested in?”

Customer: “I like historical stuff.”

Me: “Great! What kind of history specifically?”

Customer: *stares blankly*

Me: “For instance, a particular time period, or the history of a certain country?”

Customer: “American history, obviously.”

Me: “We have some really great American history books, right over here.”

(I lead her to the proper section and pull a few titles to show her.)

Customer: “These are all about stuff that really happened. I want a story.”

Me: “Okay, so, historical fiction then? I’m sure we can find something for you.”

Customer: “No! I want something like this…”

(She gestures to a book she rejected, a non fiction title about American history.)

Customer: “… only I want it to be made up.”

Me: “Right, historical fiction. Let’s start with a time frame within American history and I’m sure we can find something.”

Customer: *sighs melodramatically* “I don’t want FICTION, I want a book with a story that is MADE UP!”

Those Foreigners And Their Funny Continents

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m visiting a friend of mine at work when this exchange occurs.)

Customer: *notes my friend’s nametag* “Matt-ie-oh… what a neat name, where’s it from?”

Friend: “It’s pronounced mah-tay-oh, actually. It’s Spanish.”

Customer: “Oh, really? You don’t look Mexican.”

Friend: “I’m not, I’m Spanish.”

Customer: “Well, what’s the difference?”

Friend: “The Atlantic Ocean?”

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