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    Sheet Happens

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (Customer calls our department.)

    Me: “Bath and Bedding Department…”

    Customer: “Yes, do you guys carry sheets?”

    Me: “Yes we do.”

    Customer: “Do you carry king sized sheets?”

    Me: “Yes we do.”

    Customer: “Do you have a lot of sheets?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We have a wide variety of sheets.”

    Customer: “Good. I need you to put on hold for me a green set. Then again, put on hold a rose color too. Oh, and ivory and white. And some navy. I’ll be in to pick out what I want.”

    Me: “But what kind of sheets? We have several brands and thread counts to choose from…”

    Customer: “What is your name?”

    Me: *gives her my name*

    Customer: “Okay, I am going to come into your store and find you! Just be sure to get me those colors. I’ll be there in an hour!” *hangs up*

    (Of course, she never showed up.)

    Aloha, Mofo

    | San Diego | Top

    Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hablas espa√±ol?”

    Me: “Sorry, no.”

    Customer: “Why not? Why didn’t your parents teach you?”

    Me: “Because we’re Hawaiian.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not an excuse.”

    Me: “Do you speak Hawaiian?”

    Customer: “Of course not, I’m Colombian.”

    Me: “Well, that’s no excuse.”

    Too Bad They Don’t Sell Brains Too

    | Milford, CT, USA |

    (I’m shopping in the dollar store, fully clothed in my Taco Bell uniform. I even have the hat on, too.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, sir, do you work here?”

    Me: “Does it LOOK like I work here?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Oh…well, do you know how much this is?”

    Me: “It’s a dollar.”

    Customer: “How did you know that if you didn’t work here?”

    Me: “Lady, do you have ANY idea where you are right now? You are in a dollar store. Do you know what that means?”

    Customer: “That’s impossible.”

    Me: “…what?”

    Customer: “This store doesn’t sell dollars.”

    (At this point I didn’t know whether I should slap her or retreat and laugh till I puked.)

    Customer Knows Best

    | Perimeter, GA, USA | Top

    (We are running this little sale that offers the customer 20% off on regular priced item.)

    Customer: “So, can I use the sale coupon on sale items?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, the coupon is only good on regularly priced item.”

    Customer: “What about sale items?”

    Me: “It can only be used on regularly priced items.”

    Customer: “But the shoes were $109, and now they are $79.”

    Me: “We can only use it on regularly priced items.”

    Customer: “But it’s marked down!”

    Me: *losing patience, but still with a smile* “I’m sorry, but again we can only use it on regularly priced items.”

    Customer: “Well, then make my shoes regular priced and give me my 20%!”

    Me: “Sure, I’d be happy to. You grand total comes to $87.20.”

    Customer: “Finally! I swear, all you people try to do is swindle us out of buying sale items with that regular priced coupon. But I see through what you’re trying to do.”

    Me: “Yes. I’ll do everything I can to give you the best deal you want.”

    Not Even Remotely Intelligent

    , | Roanoke, VA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

    (Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her Magnavox TV.)

    Me: “Yes, what about it?”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

    Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

    Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

    Customer: “No lights come on, is there a battery in it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

    Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

    (A few minutes later, she calls back.)

    Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

    Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, hold on…hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says “Remove Before Using”? Should I take that out?”

    Me: *major facepalm* “Yes ma’am. ”

    Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

    (Not surprisingly, the lady calls back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

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