Smile – You’re On Scam-Cam

| Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: Hi, welcome to ****. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. I want everything here discounted.”

Me: “Ma’am, I left here maybe two minutes ago, max, to check the fitting rooms.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “In short, yes.”

Customer: “Bull! Do you have any proof I wasn’t here earlier?!”

(I point to the huge camera on the ceiling.)

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’ll shut up now.”

Diagnostic Scan Results: Crisp & Buttery

, | North Somerset, UK | Uncategorized

(A customer walks in and places a box on the desk in our repairs center.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Can you fix this for me?”

Me: *looking at box* “This is a toaster.”

Customer: “Yes. Can you fix it? It’s broken.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only fix computers and computer peripherals here.”

Customer: “But if you can fix computers, surely you can fix a toaster!”

Me: “We don’t fix toasters, sir.”

Customer: “Please? I’m sure it’s easy.”

Me: “Even if we could fix it for you, you don’t have a repair warantee with us, so it would cost you ¬£50 just for us to look at it. You could buy two new toasters for that.”

Customer: “¬£50?! What a rip-off! If it’s going to cost me that much, I’ll go elsewhere!”

Me: “Have you tried the store you bought it from?”

Customer: “Yes, and they wouldn’t fix it!”

Me: “So you thought a computer store would?”

Customer: *takes the toaster and walks out in a huff*

Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor

, | New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m a painfully shy 13-year-old, and a customer somehow mistook me for an employee.)

Customer: “Can you help me find something?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “NO?!”

Me: “No!”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “… I’m not allowed to talk to strangers.”

Secret Agent Man Loses It

, | Elk Grove, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, thank you for calling ***. This is *** speaking. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what kind of GPS tracers you have.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. We have the Zoombak system here for–”

Customer: “No no no, I need something smaller!”

Me: “…smaller? What are you looking for exactly, sir?”

Customer: “I want to get a GPS that I can slip onto someone’s person so I can follow them around closely! I think my wife’s having an affair.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t sell anything like that here.”

Customer: “But you sell GPS’s!”

Me: “The receivers, sir.”

Customer: “And the transmitters?”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “The transmitters for your receivers!”

Me: “No, sir. Not that kind of receiver. We only have the kind that tells you where you are.”

Customer: “So you have nothing I can use to track people? Why not?”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

Customer: “What about those things for tracking kids, or the things the POLICE use?”

Me: “The police have special forms for use, and special power to enact them. And the ones for kids are special-case as well, as the child is under 18, so consent isn’t need–”

Customer: “Well then, I wanna follow my son around!”

Me: “You just said ‘wife’. And we don’t have them.”

Customer: “Oh. What about tasers?”

Me: “We don’t sell weapons.”

Customer: “You don’t sell a lot of things, do you? What about audio bugs?”

Me: “Sir, it seems you want the spy shop. I can give you their number–”

Customer: “Oh, I know all about them! I’ve had COVERT training, pal! I just thought you might appreciate my covert business. I guess I gotta go take my ELITE COVERTNESS over to the spy shop, then. Jerk.” *hangs up*

Coworker: *listening in*“You sure that wasn’t a radio station screwing with you?”

Under The N-Sea-17

| Silver Spring, MD, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello ma’am. Welcome to ****. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to know which is the best animated pornographic movie you have.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s for my husband. I’d like to buy him one for his birthday.”

Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell those.”

Customer: *exasperated* “Yes you DO.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t.”

Customer: “YES YOU DO. I just SAW them. I’ll go get it!”

(A few minutes later she returns, waving “The Little Mermaid” in my face.)

Customer: “See? SEE?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, that’s a Disney movie. It’s aimed at little kids.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Disney is well-known for their children’s movies.”

Customer: “You mean you show PORN TO LITTLE KIDS?! CHILD ABUSER! CHILD ABUSER! YOU ARE SCARRING OUR CHILDREN FOR LIFE! YOU B****!”

(She angrily walks out of the store, throwing the movie on the ground.)

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