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    Golly Gee, I’m So Smrt

    , | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: *notices woman walking into store* “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I see you have two DVDs for 10 dollars.”

    Me: “Actually ma’am, that sale ended yesterday.”

    Customer: “Well, I have to buy some for my son for Christmas, so maybe you can be a doll and ring them up for me for that price.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because that sale ended yesterday.”

    Customer: “What difference is it to you the price you sell these DVD’s at?!”

    Me: “My job…”

    Customer: “How about it I give you $5.00?”

    Me: “…sure.”

    (I go and ring up the two DVDs, and take the woman’s money. With the five dollars she gave me, this adds up to the normal retail price so she’s saved nothing.)

    Me: “Have a happy holiday, ma’am.”

    Customer: *winks at me*

    Take A Guess Who The Better Half Is

    , | San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA | Top

    (A couple approaches, and the dude ditches quickly to the back of the store while the woman barks…)

    Woman: “I need some tickets!”

    Me: “What show?”

    Woman: “I need tickets to the concert.”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Woman: “The concert.”

    Me: “There are a lot of concerts going on, which one do you want to see?”

    Woman: “I don’t know what it’s called.”

    Me: “Who’s playing?”

    Woman: “A bunch of people…I don’t know.”

    Me: “Do you know where it’s going to be?”

    Woman: “No.”

    Me: “When?”

    Woman: “No–why can’t you find my tickets?!?”

    Me: “I need something to go on.”

    Woman: “It’s a concert!”

    Me: “That doesn’t narrow it down for me. That pretty much only eliminates Phantom of the Opera.”

    (She finally yells at the dude who has been hiding in magazines.)

    Woman: “What’s the name of the concert we’re going to?”

    (The dude comes forward and gives me the name of the show, where it is and on what day.)

    Woman: “Oh, NOW you can find the tickets.”

    Me: “…”

    Woman: “We need two tickets…TOGETHER!”

    Me, looking at dude: “Are you sure?”

    (He smiled, she missed it, and I lived to do retail another day.)

    Always Right, Even When At The Wrong Store

    , | Yorkshire, UK |

    (I work in a motor factor (in America, an auto parts/accessories shop) which is on the same estate as a car workshop. Outside there is a huge sign for the workshop stating the things that they do e.g. brakes, exhausts, MOT testing etc.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book my car in for a five point service.”

    (Now, we do various easy-peasy checks e.g. oil, water, and we fit batteries, bulbs, radios etc, so often customers are often confused as to exactly what we do and do not do.)

    Me: “You mean the five point check? Just pull your car into the bay outside and I’ll be out in a minute.”

    Customer: “No, NO, I meant the service you have advertised outside! New brakes, oil change!”

    Me: “I think you’re confusing us with the garage next door. We’re just a motor factor.”

    Customer: “But you’ve got a sign outside!”

    Me: “Let’s have a look then…”

    (We look and the sign is for the garage next door, not our motor factor. I point out that our building has a completely different name outside it.)

    Customer: “That’s false advertising! Why can’t you do it?! I demand that I get a free service for the inconvenience you have caused me!”

    Me: “Sorry mate, we’re just a motor factor. I’d happily service my own car, but I’m not a mechanic, I’m a history student. If you’d like the five-point service, try the building with the same name as on the sign.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I want YOU–” *stabs me in the chest with his finger* “–to service my car right now!”

    Me: “Okay, if you just follow me, and talk to that gentleman there–” *points at garage owner* “–I can service your car straight away.”

    Customer: *walks off swearing*

    Kids Say The Truthiest Things

    , | Belgium | Top

    (Santa was visiting our store, and every kid got a small bag of candy. Then this happened…)

    Santa: “Here you go, little boy!”

    Kid: “Thank you, Santa!”

    Mom: “Aren’t you forgetting anything?”

    Kid: “What, mommy?”

    Mom: “Ask Santa for another bag for your brother like I told you.” *looks at Santa* “He’s sick at home and couldn’t come.”

    Santa: “No problem!” *reaches for another bag*

    Kid: “But mommy, I don’t have a brother!”

    Mom: “…”

    Santa: *puts bag back*

    Why (Good) Regulars Really Rock

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A man walks into the store with a broken appliance in a bag.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve had this for about a month now and it broke, so I want a refund.”

    Me: “Sir, we’re a liquidation store. All sales are final, but I can replace this item for you.”

    (A co-worker of mine grabs another one off the shelf and switches it for the customer.)

    Customer: “How do I know this one won’t break down in a month like the last one?”

    Me: “That’s the thing, we don’t know. If I had some kind of time acceleration chamber, we could put it in there, dial it up to one month from now and see how it’s doing.”

    Customer: “Pfft! So what am I supposed to do, take it home and use it for a month and come back if it doesn’t work?”

    Me: “Either that, or stay here for the next month.”

    Customer: “What about my gas money I spend coming back and forth?”

    Me: “Driving your car is a luxury, you could take the bus!”

    (At this point a line was forming behind the customer…and the customers in line were regulars who are always joking around with me.)

    Old Man: “I rode a horse here today!”

    Old Woman: “I rode a mule!”

    Customer: *takes his new product and storms out*


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