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    Meet Satan Clause, Santa’s Maladjusted Brother

    | Michigan, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer walked in about 30 minutes before we closed on Christmas Eve. We were closing early due to the holiday. Every customer that night was buying last minute gifts.)

    Me: “Hello, what can I help you find?”

    Customer: “A converter Box.”

    Me: “Sure, let me show you what we have.”

    Customer: “What’s this $40 off crap?”

    Me: “If you go to DTV.gov, you can get a coupon for $40 off.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s some mail in rebate scam. Nevermind…”

    Me: “Ok, shall I ring this up for you?”

    Customer: “You seem to be in a bit of a hurry, what’s the rush?”

    Me: “It’s Christmas Eve, and we close in 15 minutes. I want to get the store ready to close so I can leave as soon as possible.”

    Customer: “You’re closing early for what?”

    Me: “Christmas Eve.”

    Customer: “Wow, they give you guys time off for anything these days!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Manager: *facepalm

    Another customer: *bursts out laughing*

    Customer: “What!? Ugh, fine! I’ll take the box!”

    Perspiring & Persistent

    | Toronto, Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is ***, *** speaking, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a present for my girlfriend. She plays soccer a lot, and I was wondering if you carry Febreeze for her soccer shoes.”

    Me: “Uh, yes sure we do.” *start to list varieties*

    Customer: “That’s good. I really hope she likes it. Would you like it?”

    Me: “Well, it depends on your girlfriend, sir. I may not enjoy the gift, but if you said that she needs it for her soccer shoes then she probably will.”

    Customer: “She says she sweats a lot.”

    Me: “Oh, well, soccer is a very physical game.”

    Customer: “Do YOU sweat a lot?”

    Me: “…um, no, not particularly.”

    Customer: “So you would not like this gift.”

    Me: “No sir, but I’m not your girlfriend.”

    Customer: “Would you like to be?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    DIY Sales

    , | New York City, NY, USA | Uncategorized

    (A woman comes up to the counter where I am manning the register. She has her teenaged daughter in tow.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we’re just going to get this dress for my daughter. She’s going to her homecoming dance. She finally has a date. For a while we thought she was a lesbian, but then–”

    Customer’s daughter: “MOM! ”

    Me: “Right then. That’ll be $56.99.”

    Customer: “What?! That sign said it was 50% off!”

    Me: “Er, I don’t think so. Let me check the system… Sorry, ma’am, our system says it’s full price.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy! I saw it with my own eyes!” *walks off*

    (I wait on several more customers before the woman comes back, holding a sign that says 50% off, obviously handmade with a marker and a piece of paper.)

    Customer: “See? I told you so.”

    Me: “Ma’am, where did you get that sign?”

    Customer: “I just got it off the rack.”

    Me: “Ma’am, those signs are welded to the rack. It’s apparent you just made that.”

    Customer: “I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

    Me: “And we’ll sue you for trying to screw us over.”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom, just stop.”

    Customer: “We’re leaving!”

    Not A Planet You Want To Piss Off

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi, did you find everything all right?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I brought in my old printer ink so I know which number to get.”

    Me: “A very good idea. And would you like to recycle your ink cartridge? You can receive money back if you’re a rewards customer.”

    Customer: “A what customer?”

    Me: “It’s a frequent shoppers program that lets you rack up purchases and receive money back on them. When you recycle an ink cartridge, you get $3.00.”

    Customer: “I don’t want no credit card.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s not a credit card, sir. And it’s completely free to sign up.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    Me: “All right, would you like to recycle it anyway? We do that here for free.”

    Customer: “Why would I recycle it?”

    Me: “Well, because it’s empty, and you can’t recycle them yourself. It’s better than just throwing it away.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “…because it’s good for the earth?”

    Customer: “What has Earth ever done for me?”

    Me: “Oxygen, sir?”

    Always Right, Even When They’re Not Your Customer

    | Madison, Wisconsin, USA | Uncategorized

    Caller: “I’m having a problem with this adapter. Can you help me out?”

    Me: “I can certainly try. Can you describe it for me?”

    Caller: “Well, it hooks up to a TV and it has these two things coming off of it… I don’t really know how to explain it.”

    Me: “Well… maybe you can tell me what it does? I can go and grab a box off of the shelf and take a look at it.”

    Caller: “I still have the package. Would it help if I read off the model number?”

    Me: “That would be great.”

    (The customer reads me a model number that is longer than anything I have ever seen in my department and it occurs to me…)

    Me: “Sir, I don’t recognize that number. Did you buy this adapter at our store?”

    Caller: “No, you guys didn’t have it so I went to Circuit City instead.”

    Me: “Sir, I cannot help you with an item we don’t sell.”

    Caller: “Well, THANKS a LOT!” *click*

    Related:
    Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor
    Always Right, Even When They Change Your God-Given Name

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