We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Can

, | Florida, USA |

(I was working at the paint desk when a customer calls the store.)

Customer: “Can you mix up my paint and have it ready when I get there? I have the formula.”

Me: “I can take the formula and stage it, but I can’t mix it until you arrive. What is the formula on the can?”

Customer: “It’s got 20% Magenta, 30% Cyan, 30% Yellow Oxide, and 30% White.”

Me: “It says that on the can?”

Customer: “No, that’s what I had them put in last time.”

Me: “Sir, that’s more than 100%. The formula you gave me is impossible to make.”

Customer: “I’ll just come down there and have someone who understands make it for me.” *click*

Pure, Uncut Cyan & Magenta

| Pennsylvania, USA |

Customer: *looking at the printer ink* “Holy crap, this s*** is expensive!”

Me: “Well, we do price match any local competitor. All you have to do is–”

Customer: *interrupting* “You guys are like the modern-day crack dealers!”

Me: “Modern-day crack dealers?”

Customer: “Yeah, you sell the printers for real cheap and then you get us on the ink!”

Me: “Right…well, that’s how we get ya!”

The Bruce Lee Fantasy Will Have To Wait

, | California, USA |

(I’m ringing up a middle-aged mother for a Nintendo Wii System she’s buying for her son.)

Me: “Would you like to buy a Nunchuk as well?”

Customer: “H*** YEAH!”

Me: *taken aback by her enthusiasm* “All right…the Nunchuk is $19.99.”

Customer: “Only twenty bucks? My kid’s gonna love it.”

Me: *holding up the controller* “Uh, the Nunchuk is a controller…it’s just this right here.”

Customer: “Oh…then never mind.”

A.I.: Alarming Idiocy

| Burbank, IL, USA |

(I pick up a phone call transferred from our operator and hear what’s clearly a kid on the phone with parents in the background.)

Me: “Thanks for calling Burbank ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my video game system stopped working. I want you to fix it.”

Me: “Well, what seems to be the problem with the system?”

Customer: “There’s red lights on it – is that those ‘rings of death’?”

Me: “The red lights are kind of an error message – when did purchase the system?”

Customer: “It’s like a year old.”

Me: “Did you purchase our protection plan?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “OK, you’d have to contact Customer Service for that manufacturer to see if they would still cover the product.”

Customer: “Oh, I bought it at ****.” *naming our competitor* “Would I call them? Could they fix it? I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

Me: “Yeah, if you bought it at another retailer you should probably either contact them or the manufacturer–”

Customer: *interrupting* “I said no robots; I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

Me: “OK…you can file a claim on the manufacturer’s website, or call the retailer you actually purchased the system from. There’s nothing I can really do for you if you didn’t purchase it through our store.”

Customer: *whining* “I don’t want to talk to the robots! I’ll have my mom call the robots.” *hangs up*

Me: “…”

Homeland Insecurity

, | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

(I’m ringing up a man who is buying a new laptop.)

Customer: “So, what are your ethnicities?”

(This question didn’t strike me as odd, as people have wondered in the past.)

Me: “Half European and half Middle Eastern.”

Customer: “Oh, so like one of those terrorists…. just watered-down.”

Me: “Oh, I’m not watered-down, sir.” *holds out his receipt, smirking*

(The customer looks a bit freaked, grabs his receipt and takes off quickly with his stuff–except for his credit card.)

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