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    I’m Sensing Something Cylindrical And… Swedish

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA |

    (I work at an adult novelty shop.  A man and a woman come into the store together, obviously a pair.  The man comes to the front counter, pays for a sex toy (think of the first Austin Powers movie) and leaves. A bit later, the woman comes up to the front desk.)

    Woman: “Have you seen my husband?”

    Me: ¬†”Ooooh. Um. I think he just left.”

    Woman: “Oh, really?” *gets on her cellphone* “Hey, honey! Forget something!?”

    (A few moments later, the front door flies open and the man sulks in, meets back up with his wife, and they both leave together.)

    Coworker: “I’m glad he came back for her. I don’t think she’d fit in the lost-and-found.”

    Bad Customer Tip #103: Pull A Clark Kent

    , | Buenos Aires, Argentina | Top

    (A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

    Customer: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

    (I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

    Me: “Um… sir?”

    Customer: “WHAT?!”

    Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”

    Customer: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!”

    Me: “Of course.”

    (I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

    Me: “Yes, what is the problem?”

    Customer: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–”

    (He suddenly figures it out.)

    Customer: “F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*

    She Saw Seashells And Social Strata

    | Petaluma, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Do you have any floating candles?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we have a Fourth of July set of red, white and blue star-shaped floating candles, and we also carry a set shaped like seashells.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I saw those. The seashells are too ghetto. Do you have any plain white ones?”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid the seashells and the stars are all we have. They’re too… ghetto, did you say?”

    Customer: “Yeah, this is for an outdoor party, you know? Thanks anyway.”

    How Cute, You Learned A New Vocab

    , | Upstate New York, USA |

    Customer: “I want this particular size in this particular style of jeans.”

    Me: “Well, I don’t see your size out here, so let me check the back.”

    (I go to check the stock room, even though I know we’re out.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re all out.”

    Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You heard me; you’re persecuting me.”

    Me: “… I can check with the store across town to see if they have what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “Fine.”

    (The store across town has a pair of the jeans in question. I ask the customer if she wants to go pick them up; the store will have them on hold for her.)

    Customer: “You mean I have to drive all the way across town?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

    Me: “Well, if you can wait until tomorrow afternoon, we can have the other store ship them and you can pick them up here.”

    Customer: “So, you want me to wait an extra day and make an extra trip back here for a pair of jeans.”

    Me: “Or drive across town for them today, yes.”

    Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

    Me: “…”

    It’s For A Really Long Game Of Musical Chairs

    | Florida, USA |

    Man: “Hey! You guys are giving away 100 free tickets to the Friday show, right?”

    Me: “Yep! We have 24 left, and each customer can take up to four. How many do you need?”

    Man: “Awesome! Can I have the rest?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. The limit is four per customer.”

    Man: “But they’re free… what do you care?”

    Me: “I care that the line of people behind you get some as well. Would you like four tickets?”

    Man: “Give me the rest! You don’t understand, I NEED them!”

    Me: “Sir, the limit is four. I’m sorry.”

    Man: “I want the rest! You have to give them to me! I’m a paying customer and I deserve it!”

    Me: “The tickets are free, sir… and you can have four of them. Would you like four FREE tickets?”

    Man: “I need the rest of them! Everyone in my party needs to have one!”

    Me: “Well, I can offer you four tickets for free and a discount if you wish to buy more. How many people are in your party?”

    Man: “It’s just me and my wife.”

    Me: “…”

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