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    Back In My Day, Everyone Had Herpes

    | San Francisco |

    Cashier: “Hello.”

    Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

    Cashier: “Excuse me?”

    Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

    Cashier: “Um, why?”

    Old Lady #2: “What is that on your tongue?”

    Old Lady #1: “Is that the herpes?”

    Cashier: *sticks out tongue and points to a pink tongue piercing* “This?”

    Old Lady #1: “Yes, what is that?”

    Cashier: “A tongue piercing.”

    Old Lady #1: *looks to Old Lady #2* “Oh! We thought it was the herpes!”

    Cashier: “Uh, no. Just a pink plastic piercing.”

    Old Lady #2: “Oh good! I didn’t think they let people with STDs come to work!”

    Spontaneous Customer Combustion

    | Sandwich, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hi! Welcome to ***, how may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Do you take credit cards? My husband has a huge party coming up. I need a basket immediately, the biggest you have.”

    (I ring her up and then ask for her credit card number. I also ask for the CVV code on the back of her card. Big. Effing. Mistake.)

    Caller: “Excuse me, you want my what now?”

    Me: “Your CVV code, ma’am. The four-digit code on the back of–”

    Caller: “I KNOW what a CVV code is, d**nit! I’m not giving it to you!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s company policy. I can assure you–”

    Caller: “I am NOT giving you my code! Get me your manager!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I swear, it’s policy–”

    Caller: (shrieking now) “You rotten children are just trying to ROB ME! GET ME YOUR MANAGER! NOW!”

    (I get my manager.)

    Manager: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Caller: “You’re a bunch of thieves! No one asks for a CVV code nowadays! My husband has had dealings with the LIKES OF YOU!”

    (At this point, she’s yelling so loudly that she’s audible to other employees in the room.)

    Manager: “Miss, I–”

    Caller: *does something inaudible*

    Fellow Employee: “What just happened?”

    Manager: *staring at the phone* “I think she just broke her phone.”

    When Employees Lose It

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (I failed to complete a job in an hour for customer. She became upset, so I offered her a refund.)

    Me: “I am sorry about this…we became extremely busy as you can see by the 5 people behind you now.”

    Rude Woman “Well, how come you didn’t tell me you would be this busy?”

    Me: “I seem to have forgotten my crystal ball at home and I am not quite able to tell the future without it.”

    Rude Lady “WELL I NEVER. I want your name!”

    Rude Me: “Okay ma’am, but you’ll look pretty funny being called Bryan.”

    Rude Lady “I want your manager’s name!”

    Ruder Me: “Seriously? Sure thing, maybe Rick will suit you better anyway.”

    (She took her jewelry and stormed off. I called my boss a few hours later; she had contacted him and I was warned. Well worth it though!)

    Cumulative IQ: Two. And A Half.

    | Sterling, VA, USA |

    (I approached a youngish looking husband/wife couple checking out our bedroom furniture to see if they needed any help.)

    Wife: *pointing to a headboard* “Do you have this in stock?”

    Me: “Give me just one minute, and I can go check that for you.”

    Husband: “But before you do that, what is it?”

    Wife: “I was wondering that too.”

    Me: “It’s a headboard.”

    Husband: “But what IS it?”

    Me: “It’s a headboard. For your bed. You attach it to the top.”

    Wife: “But what does it do?”

    Me: “It makes your bed look nice.”

    Wife: “But does it DO anything?”

    Me: “Makes your bed look pretty?”

    Husband: “But WHY?”

    Me: “Some people like the added touch.”

    Wife: “But why should WE buy it?”

    Me: “If you think it would look nice in your room, then it would be a great addition to your decor.”

    Wife: “You still haven’t told me what it does.”

    Me: “Um, it helps your bed match the color scheme of your room.”

    Husband: “What’s a color scheme?”

    Wife: “Does that have something to do with carpets?”

    Me: “Um…kind of. Carpets, curtains, bedspread, furniture. People generally like them to match. The overall color is called the color scheme.”

    Wife: “Oh. I had heard of that, but no one ever told me what it was.”

    Husband: “So we would need a real bed for this?”

    Me: “Well what do you have?”

    Husband: “A futon.”

    Me: “A headboard wouldn’t work with that.”

    Wife: “So I can’t get this?”

    Me: “Well you could, but you wouldn’t be able to use it with your bed.”

    Wife: “Why not?”

    Me: “It only attaches to a regular mattress bed frame.”

    Wife: “Oh. But what does it do?”

    Me: “Let me go find someone that can better help you.”

    (I ran off to find my manager because I couldn’t contain the laughter anymore. It took her 15 minutes to explain to them what exactly a headboard was, and why you couldn’t use it with a futon. We’re pretty sure they still didn’t really get it.)

    Night Vision Might Be Good Too

    , | San Diego, CA, USA | Top

    (I’m selling a camcorder to a man and his girlfriend. The guy is clueless about cameras and the girl knows a little bit more.)

    Guy: “I don’t really know too much about cameras, she knows more than I do. I just want something good.”

    Me: “Well this one is good because…” *explaining*

    Guy to girl: “Honey, do you understand any of this?”

    Girl: “Yeah, don’t worry. I think I know what we want.”

    Guy to me: “Look, if you had to choose a camera to take naked pictures of her *points to girlfriend*, which would you choose?”

    Me: “Well…this one has a built in hard drive so you can tape for longer without changing tapes.”

    (The guy’s phone rings and he leaves me alone with girlfriend.)

    Girl: “Do you get that a lot?”

    Me: “More than you would think.”


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