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  • The Joy Of Cooking Without Opposable Thumbs

    , | Berlin, VT, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me…where is your dog cookbook section?”

    Me: “Um…dog cookbooks?”

    Customer: “Yes. Where are they located?”

    Me: “We don’t have a dog cookbook section in the store. I don’t think we have any dog cookbooks at all.”

    Customer: *stares blankly* “You can’t be serious.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, miss. I might be able to order-”

    Customer: *interrupting* “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY DOG COOKBOOKS? THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY DOG FOR CHRISTMAS?”

    Me: “Have you considered a nice set of dog cookware?”

    Customer: *storms out*

    Just A Little Closer…

    , | Oregon, USA |

    (A customer purchased a copy of a popular anti virus program. About 2 hours later I received a phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just bought a **** anti virus program from your store, and it’s not working.”

    Me: “What about it isn’t working? Did you install the program?”

    Customer: “It’s not interfacing with my system.”

    Me: “Not…interfacing? I’m not sure I understand what the problem is.”

    Customer: “I set the box next to my computer, and it’s not doing anything at all. Nothing is happening on my computer! This program is defective.”

    Me: “Um…well, you have to open the box and insert the CD into your computer, then install the program before it will run.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! How do I do that?”

    Me: “…”

    Fit To Be Wide

    | Missouri, USA |

    (An angry, overweight female customer approaches me with a Nintendo Wii Fit and hands me her receipt.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem with it?”

    Customer: “I think it’s broken.”

    Me: “All right, what’s going on?”

    Customer: “Whenever it weighs me and calculates my BMI, it labels me as obese.”

    Me: “And…”

    Customer: “Well, that can’t be right!”

    Me: “From what I’ve heard, the measurements on Wii Fits are fairly accurate. Are you sure you want to return this? They’re pretty hard to find.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

    Me: “No, I’m just saying that…”

    Customer: “You just called me fat!

    Me: “No, I was just saying…”

    Customer: “Whatever. I still want to return it. It’s obviously not working right. And, I think someone should talk to the designer; make them use a different word. It hurt my feelings.”

    Me: *soothingly* “Maybe you could contact Nintendo; write a letter or something.”

    Customer: “You know what, I will! I’ll let them know that their stupid game called me obese and made me cry for three hours straight. I haven’t eaten solid food for two days because of it. I’m so hungry! I almost fainted last night. Do you think I can sue?”

    Me: “Well, you can sure try. Have a nice day.”

    Redemption Is Futile

    | Novi, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I want money for this.” *holding up a gift certificate*

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but we can’t give you money back for that.”

    Customer: “But someone gave YOU money for this; I want MONEY for it.”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. Our store is closing. I can talk to Corporate and see if they can do something for you, but it’s Sunday and they’re not open today.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! This is horrible customer service. I’m never shopping here again!”

    Me: “It doesn’t matter. We’re closing.”

    The Root Of The Problem

    , | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Hey there! Do you guys have any bamboo wood flooring?”

    Customer’s Wife: “Not fake bamboo. Real bamboo.”

    Me: “Not in stock, but we can easily special order some for you. Might I ask why you specifically need bamboo?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, we had our basement finished a few years ago with oak floors, but since then it has flooded several times. We keep having to tear up the floor and put down new stuff.”

    Customer’s Wife: “It’s very annoying.”

    Customer: “Very. So we figured that if we had bamboo floors it would be able to soak up the water easily, or be reusable or something like that.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Do you know if bamboo can do that?”

    Me: “Um…I’ve never thought much about it, but I think the bigger concern here is whatever’s causing your basement to consistently flood.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Something with the window wells. I just figured this would be a quick fix.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re in the completely wrong department.”

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