There Is Such A Thing As A Free Lunch

| Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Uncategorized

(I’m eating lunch at the front desk of our framing shop when I get called to the back. When I return to the front, I notice a customer standing in front of my sandwich at the desk.)

Customer: “Hi.”

Me: “Good afternoon. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: “No.” *stares at my sandwich*

Me: “Well, are you in need of assistance?”

(The woman suddenly snatches up my sandwich.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s my lunch. Please give it back to me.”

Customer: “I was walking by and I got hungry.”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s a deli down the street. Please do not eat my lunch.”

Customer: “But it was on the counter. That means it’s complimentary! It’s my sandwich and I’m going to eat it.”

(At this point, my coworker comes out the back.)

Coworker, to me: “Isn’t that your lunch?”

Customer: “It’s my lunch now! MINE.” *starts eating the sandwich* “This has MAYONNAISE in it!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Ham and mayo.”

Customer: “I hate mayonnaise! It looks and tastes like sperm!” *throws my sandwich on the floor and runs out the door*

Me: “…What just happened?”

The Blood Of Not-So-Innocents

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

Customer: “I would like a discount on this shirt. It’s covered in blood! This is disgusting!”

Coworker: “I’m very sorry about this! I can give you a 10% discount.”

(The customer looks through the rest of her purchase, which is also covered in blood.)

Customer: “There’s blood on all of these clothes! This is DISGUSTING!”

(A nearby customer notices what’s going on and chimes in.)

Another customer: “Ma’am, your hand is bleeding.”

Customer: “Well…er…I don’t bleed like that!”

Feline Fickleness

| Miamisburg, OH, USA | Uncategorized

(I was stocking things in the animals department when a woman walked up to me carrying a bag of cat litter that read “White Cat Litter”. The litter in the bag was white.)

Customer: “Excuse me..”

Me: “Is there something you need help with, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I was wondering if my tabby could use this litter?”

Me: “Well yes, I believe so, unless your vet has specified a certain brand?”

Customer: “No, no. I want to make sure my gray tiger tabby can use this. It says ‘white cat’…”

Me: “I don’t think it matters what kind of cat you have, ma’am.”

Customer: “Even though he’s not white?”

Me: “Well, since grey is just a darker shade of white, I think it’ll be okay.”

Customer: “Great! Thanks so much!”

Please See The Sci-Fi Section

| Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “What is this Blu-ray thing? Are they like movies?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, they are like DVDs, but with better graphics and sound. Let me show you this packet we have that explains it.”

(I show her the packet.)

Customer: “OK, well, do you have any movies that are 3-D?”

Me: “We have The Polar Express and the Hannah Montana concert, but those are not going to be near the quality that you see in the theaters.”

Customer: “Oh. What about holograms? Do you have any movies on holograms?”

Me: “What? No, those don’t really exist ma’am…”

Customer: “Oh. I’ll just come back later and check then.”

Related:
Please See The Time Travel Section

Sticky First Dates

| Detroit, MI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for your rubber semen.”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “You heard right! I need rubber semen.”

Me: “Um…I’m not entirely sure we carry that here.”

Customer: “Well, if you have it, it would be over by the glue.”

Me: “Oh! You meant rubber cement!”

Customer: “What did you think I meant?”

Me: “…Semen.”

Customer: “Oh, no… we wouldn’t be talking about that until we’ve gone out a couple times.”

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