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    How Men Shop

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Can you help me find the uh… uh…” *trails off*

    Me: “The…”

    Customer: “You know, the refrigerator stuff.”

    Me: “Our refrigerators are–”

    Customer: “No! The stuff that uh, you know, is…” *trails off again*

    Me: “Ice cube trays? Mini fridges?”

    Customer: “No, no. You know, like the stuff in the refrigerator… the stuff… like tea!”

    Me: “You mean the food?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the refrigerator stuff. The teas.”

    Me: “Food is under the sign marked food, over on the other side of the store.”

    Customer: “How do you know if food is in the refrigerator?”

    Me: *gives up* “I have no idea.”

    Ah, Managers

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Does this camera come in different colors? I really want blue.”

    Me: “Yes, but I’m sorry… I don’t have any blue ones. I only have black, red, and bronze.”

    Customer: “Blue takes better pictures.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Yes, my brother takes pictures and says the blue ones are best.”

    Me: “Well, to be honest, the color only affects how it looks. It has nothing to do with the performance.”

    Customer: “Are you calling my brother a liar?!”

    Me: “No, I’m just saying he’s misinformed–”

    Customer: “I SAID he’s a photographer and he knows what he’s talking about. He’s been published.”

    Me: “I’m sure he has, but I’ve done hundreds of weddings myself and I’ve been selling for years.”

    Customer: “Stop it! I want to see the manager.”

    (I get my manager and explain the situation.)

    Manager: “So, I understand you want a blue camera because it’s supposed to be better?”

    Customer: “Yes, I thought you guys would know that!”

    Manager: “You know, I think your brother was mistaken.”

    Customer: “But–”

    Manager: “Let me explain. You see, sports cars come in all colors, right? You ever notice that they always seem to sell the red ones most? Porsches, Lamborghinis and Corvettes?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah…”

    Manager: “So, I think it’s an obvious choice.”

    Customer: “I’ll take the red one!”

    Me: “…”

    Welcome To Retail, Part 3

    , | Alberta, Canada |

    (I’m a 16 year old, new to the job at a pet store. An elderly woman comes up to the front counter with a shopping cart full of tiny tins of cat food. None of them are stacked, and they are different brands and flavors.)

    Customer: “I’d like all of these, please.”

    Me: “Uh… alright. Are they sorted by brand?”

    Customer: “Why should I count them? I’m the customer!”

    Me: “Good point, ma’am.”

    (I finally get all her cans sorted and I scan them all. She then proceeds to pay for over 40 dollars of cat food with change.)

    Me: “There you go, ma’am. Do you want a hand out to your car with those bags?”

    Customer: “No, thank you.”

    (She gets to the door and she drops her bags. Cans go rolling everywhere.)

    Customer: *shrieks* “I WANT MY MONEY BACK! THIS IS CAT FOOD! I WANTED DOG FOOD!”

    (Needless to say, I cried.)

    Related:
    Welcome To Retail, Part 2
    Welcome To Retail

    A Heady Proposition

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Top

    Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”

    Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”

    (The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

    Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”

    Customer: “No it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”

    Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”

    (The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

    Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”

    Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL, can’t you fix it?”

    Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”

    Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”

    Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”

    Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”

    Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”

    (Skip ahead 9 months…)

    Female customer: “Is your name ***?”

    Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

    Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*

    (I open the envelope, and sure enough there’s a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Slightly Better Than The Answer To Life, The Universe And Everything

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “I want to buy some lottery tickets.”

    Me: “Okay. Which game, and how many?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to give away my secret plan!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t tell me what you want, I can’t sell you the appropriate ticket. I need to know what you want to get it for you.”

    (There’s a long pause during which she just blinks at me and the clerks behind me.)

    Customer: “… oh. Well, I’ll take two Super Lottos, then…”

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