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    Ah, Mothers

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

    Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

    Mother: “Yes, we did.”

    (I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

    Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

    Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

    Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

    Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

    Related:
    Mom In A Thong: Wrong
    A Mother’s Love

    Airheaded, Part 2

    | Massapequa, New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “My son let go of the balloons. I need more.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that takes a long time to do and were very busy now. It will take at least an hour.”

    Customer: “But the party is now! What the f*** am I supposed to do with no balloons?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it takes a while. I will do them as fast as possible.”

    (He leaves and I start to fill up so many balloons my fingers are red.)

    Customer: “About time!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. I’m sorry you lost the balloons, so I took 25% off.”

    Customer: “You’re charging me for these?!”

    Me: “Yes, you are buying more balloons.”

    Customer: “But I just paid for balloons, and they flew away.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you bought them and you’re buying more. I need to charge you.”

    Customer: “But this was your fault! You shouldn’t have made them so… floaty!”

    Me: “… I’m very sorry, but these are less… floaty.”

    Customer: “Really?”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Yes!”

    Related:
    Airheaded

    How Men Shop

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Can you help me find the uh… uh…” *trails off*

    Me: “The…”

    Customer: “You know, the refrigerator stuff.”

    Me: “Our refrigerators are–”

    Customer: “No! The stuff that uh, you know, is…” *trails off again*

    Me: “Ice cube trays? Mini fridges?”

    Customer: “No, no. You know, like the stuff in the refrigerator… the stuff… like tea!”

    Me: “You mean the food?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the refrigerator stuff. The teas.”

    Me: “Food is under the sign marked food, over on the other side of the store.”

    Customer: “How do you know if food is in the refrigerator?”

    Me: *gives up* “I have no idea.”

    Ah, Managers

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Does this camera come in different colors? I really want blue.”

    Me: “Yes, but I’m sorry… I don’t have any blue ones. I only have black, red, and bronze.”

    Customer: “Blue takes better pictures.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Yes, my brother takes pictures and says the blue ones are best.”

    Me: “Well, to be honest, the color only affects how it looks. It has nothing to do with the performance.”

    Customer: “Are you calling my brother a liar?!”

    Me: “No, I’m just saying he’s misinformed–”

    Customer: “I SAID he’s a photographer and he knows what he’s talking about. He’s been published.”

    Me: “I’m sure he has, but I’ve done hundreds of weddings myself and I’ve been selling for years.”

    Customer: “Stop it! I want to see the manager.”

    (I get my manager and explain the situation.)

    Manager: “So, I understand you want a blue camera because it’s supposed to be better?”

    Customer: “Yes, I thought you guys would know that!”

    Manager: “You know, I think your brother was mistaken.”

    Customer: “But–”

    Manager: “Let me explain. You see, sports cars come in all colors, right? You ever notice that they always seem to sell the red ones most? Porsches, Lamborghinis and Corvettes?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah…”

    Manager: “So, I think it’s an obvious choice.”

    Customer: “I’ll take the red one!”

    Me: “…”

    Welcome To Retail, Part 3

    , | Alberta, Canada |

    (I’m a 16 year old, new to the job at a pet store. An elderly woman comes up to the front counter with a shopping cart full of tiny tins of cat food. None of them are stacked, and they are different brands and flavors.)

    Customer: “I’d like all of these, please.”

    Me: “Uh… alright. Are they sorted by brand?”

    Customer: “Why should I count them? I’m the customer!”

    Me: “Good point, ma’am.”

    (I finally get all her cans sorted and I scan them all. She then proceeds to pay for over 40 dollars of cat food with change.)

    Me: “There you go, ma’am. Do you want a hand out to your car with those bags?”

    Customer: “No, thank you.”

    (She gets to the door and she drops her bags. Cans go rolling everywhere.)

    Customer: *shrieks* “I WANT MY MONEY BACK! THIS IS CAT FOOD! I WANTED DOG FOOD!”

    (Needless to say, I cried.)

    Related:
    Welcome To Retail, Part 2
    Welcome To Retail

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