No Dimes Like The Present

| Southfield, MI, USA | Uncategorized

(It’s my first day, and the place I’m working at has me doing registers. A lady comes up with a full cart with approximately $400 worth of merchandise. I run her credit card through, and it gets denied.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, your card isn’t being accepted by our system.”

Customer: “But it should be working! It doesn’t expire until 2010!”

Me: “Unfortunately, it seems your card might be maxed out. The expiration date won’t really help there.”

Customer: “…but it’s good until 2010!”

Co-worker: “Ma’am, there’s nothing he can do. Either find another way to pay for your purchase or leave the merchandise here.”

Customer: “All right, I’ll write a check, but I’m going to call [credit card company] and complain. They gave me a bad credit card! It’s not supposed to expire until 2010!”

(Surprisingly, the check went through.)

Walk Loudly And Carry A Sharp Stick

| Alberta, Canada | Uncategorized

(A couple comes up to me looking for something to help against attacking cougars. I recommend bear spray, a high-power pepper spray to repel predators.)

Customer: “Nah, we don’t need bear spray. Sometimes that stuff just pisses them off, y’know?”

Me: “Well, in some rare cases–”

Customer: “Hey what are those?” *points at 18″ machetes*

Me: “Those are machetes.”

Customer: “That’s perfect! That’s just what we ened. If there’s a cougar we don’t need no Bear Spray! We’ll just fight ’em off with this!”

Me: “Okay…you sure you wouldn’t like some bear spray, too? Just as a first option?”

Customer: “Nah, sometimes that just pisses them off!”

Crimes Of (Extremely Long) Premeditation

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “That’ll be $23.44, ma’am.”

Customer: *stares off into space*

Me: “…Ma’am?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “How would you like to pay for this?”

Customer: “Oh right, I guess I have to give you money…”

Me: “I’d appreciate it.”

Customer: “…or, I could always steal it.”

(At first I think she’s kidding; but, after a long pause, I realize she is actually contemplating this.)

Me: “I’d go with the former, ma’am.”

What You [Don’t] See Is What You Get

| Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, can you help me find invisible wire?”

Me: “Oh, fish wire?”

Customer: “Yes, invisible wire.”

Me: “Yup, that’s right over here.”

(I take the customer over, pull one off the hook and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Is this a joke?!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “This isn’t invisible wire! I can see it!”

Och, A Communal Kilt

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

(I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.)

Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.”

Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?”

Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.'”

Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!”

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