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    Two Letters And A Hundred Stitches

    , | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (After helping a middle aged man find many CDs…)

    Customer: “Thank you… what’s your name?”

    Me: “Ryland.”

    Customer: “Thank you for your help, Ryan!”

    Me: “No, no. My name is Ryland.”

    Customer: “Ryland? What the h*** kind of name is that? You better watch out, you’re going to get attacked one day!”

    Airheaded, Part 3

    | Monroe, NC, USA |

    Manager: “May I help you?”

    Customer: “I would like to return these wind chimes. They don’t work.”

    Manager: “Okay, are they broken?”

    Customer: “No, they just don’t work.”

    Manager: “Well, where did you hang them?”

    Customer: “On my back porch.”

    Manager: “Well, they should work just fine there.”

    Customer: “They don’t… my husband and I sit on the porch and no there is no sound from the chimes!”

    Manager: “Is your porch screened in? That could reduce the wind.”

    Customer: “No, it’s glassed in…”

    Manager: “… I believe I know what the problem is.”

    Customer: “Can you fix it?”

    Manager: “No, but I can sell you a fan!”

    Related:
    Airheaded, Part 2
    Airheaded

    Sometimes, Even Yoda Isn’t Enough

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A coworker and I are sitting in a fairly small booth at the gates of the swimming pool. A sign that reads ‘We Do Not Accept $100 Bills’ is placed right under the sign reading ‘No Refunds Due to Inclement Weather.’)

    Customer: “No refunds due to inclement weather, eh? What if it’s nice?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, very droll.”

    Customer: “Alright, it’s for me and my two kids.”

    (The customer attempts to pay with a hundred dollar bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

    Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept hundred dollar bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”

    Customer: “No, but I have this hundred!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

    Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

    (This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)

    Me: “Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”

    Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

    Me: “Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”

    Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

    Almost As Bad As The Large Hadron Collider

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Customer: “Hey, what’s the deal with this cherry slushie?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir?”

    Customer: “It’s WHITE!”

    Me: “Yes, sir…”

    Customer: “Why isn’t it RED?!”

    Me: “Sir, the watermelon flavor is red.”

    Customer: “That’s sacrilegious!”

    Me: “Sir, the color does not make a difference in the flavor.”

    Customer: “You should be ashamed!”

    Customer’s wife: “Okay, let’s just let the man do his job, it’s not his fault for the color of the slushies.”

    Customer: “It’s embarrassing!”

    Customer’s wife, to me: “I’m sorry…”

    Me: “Have a nice day.”

    Customer: “YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED!”

    Trust Me, The Dull Finish Suits You

    | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    (A customer is looking at hardware we have on display.)

    Customer: “Is the polished finish… dull?”

    Me: “No. The polished finish is polished.”

    Customer: “Oh… so what’s the dull finish?”

    Me: “The dull finish… is.. sometimes called brushed.

    Customer: “So it’s not polished?”

    Me: “No. polished… is like a mirror. You can see your reflection.”

    Customer: “Oh… what do you see on the dull finish?”

    Me: *face palm*

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