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    Just Another Day At Work

    | Shreveport, LA, USA |

    (Okay, for starters: I am wearing clown makeup, a bright pink wig, and a bright orange shirt with our store’s logo on it in HUGE font. A woman with a bible in one hand and a cross in another comes up to me.)

    Woman: “Do you work here?”

    Me: “… yes.”

    Woman: “YOU WILL ALL BURN IN H*** FOR SELLING THESE ITEMS CELEBRATING SATAN’S HOLIDAY!” *turns to customers* “…AND YOU WILL BURN FOR SUPPORTING THEM!”

    Manager, over loudspeaker: “Thank you for shopping at H***Mart! All items are now 6.66% off for the next 6 minutes, 66 seconds. Thank you, and have a nice day!”

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    We All Snap At Some Point

    | Winona, MN, USA |

    (I work at a store that is open 24/7, and only closed for 36 hours out of the entire year.  Around EVERY holiday, there is someone who calls the store wondering if the store is open. This past 4th of July, I decided to have a little fun with it.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store].¬†How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi,¬†I was wondering if you guys were open today?”

    Me: “No, I’m the only one here to answer the phone.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I’m out in the parking lot and there are a lot of cars parked out here.”

    Me: “Yeah, I like to drive a lot.”

    Tornado 1, Whiny Caller 0

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    (This happened during the Midwest’s massive flooding in June, 2008.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. I’m sorry, but—”

    Caller: “Can you get me the price of a digital camera?”

    Me: “Sir, I am sorry but we are currently in a code black.”

    Caller: “What is that?”

    Me: “That is where the managers are telling the employees and the customers to move to the center of the store due to violent weather.”

    Caller: “But could you just look for me quick?”

    Me: “Sorry, but I have to get to the back of the store because there is a tornado coming!”

    Caller: “You people are so selfish. I am going to call your district manager and—”

    Me: *hangs up and runs for my life*

    Grab Bag: MMA-SF

    , | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    (I work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s retail store. Here are a few things customers have asked me.)

    1. “Do you sell doo-rags here?”

    2. “Do you want to come live in my condo with me, wrap my gifts and keep me company?”

    3. “What?! Iced tea makes you thirsty?!”

    4. “Do my earrings make me look like Greta Garbo? Do they scream ‘I want to be alone’?!”

    5. “Are these rainbow watches for the queers?”

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    Exorcisms Not Included

    , | Rochester, NY, USA |

    (I was a cashier at a popular toy store chain when a woman came up to the register with an opened Ouija board.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this, please.”

    Me: “Is there anything in particular that’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “Well, no, it works. I’m returning it because it let evil spirits into my house!”

    Me: *laughs*

    Customer: “Why are you laughing? This game let spirits into my house, and I demand a refund!”

    Me: “Uh, oh, alright then.” *I process the return*

    Customer, on the way out: “You really shouldn’t be selling satanic toys like this. What if a demon had come through and possessed one of my children?”

    Me: “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll definitely pass that on to management.”


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