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    Who You Gonna Call?

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, do you sell ghost vacuums?”

    Me: “Umm… no?”

    Customer: “Ok, well… thanks anyway.”

    Another Repressed Memory

    , | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I have a flat screen TV near my workplace that was showing a recent cartoon on DVD: “Tinkerbell”. A customer comes by with
    her toddler daughter in the cart, and watches a bit of the movie with the child.)

    Customer: “Aw, that’s cute! What movie is that?”

    Me: “It’s Tinkerbell“.

    Customer: “My little girl likes that one. How much is it?”

    Me: “It’s new, so it should be around 15 to 20 dollars.”

    Customer: “15 to 20 dollars?! That’s almost all of my beer money!”

    Geography, My Arch Nemesis, We Meet Again…

    , | San Jose, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** at Santana Row. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Your stores are having midnight releases for ‘World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King’, right?”

    Me: “Yes, certain locations are going to be open, but our store–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “It’s already midnight in the East coast – you can’t you sell them now?”

    Me: “Uhh… unfortunately not.”

    Customer: “BUT WHY?! IT’S MIDNIGHT IN THE EAST COAST!”

    Me: “Well, it’s not midnight here, so, NO, we can’t sell it.”

    Customer: “But people will be leveling up before me!! AGHHH! This is bulls***!”

    Me: “Either way, our location isn’t going to be open for the midnight release. The closest location that will be open for the midnight release is 45 minutes away.”

    Customer: “So if I go there, they should be selling them?!”

    Me: “Probably not. They’re still on Pacific Standard Time.”

    Customer: “What should I do then?! Everyone on the East coast will have a head start!”

    Me: “Maybe you should move to the East Coast.”

    Customer: “What time are you closing?”

    Me: “10:00 pm.”

    Customer: “I’m coming right now!”

    Me: “Ok…?”

    I Just Lost My Appetite…

    | Moscow, ID, USA |

    (A customer comes in with “artistic” nude pictures of herself and her husband, and throws them on the counter.)

    Customer: “What kind of frame should I put on these? They are going in the kitchen.”

    Me: “The kitchen, huh? Well, I can start you off with a few options.” *I show her a few frames*

    Customer: “…and how much would this be?”

    Me: “$350.00 each.”

    Customer: “For $350.00 I’d expect something a little more… phallic.”

    This…Is…Spyware!

    , | Texas, USA | Technology, Top

    Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

    Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

    Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

    Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

    Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

    Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

    Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

    Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

    Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

    Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

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