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    Mr. Anal And Mrs. Retentive Go To Scotland

    | Dundee, Scotland, UK |

    (A South American customer and his wife were browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

    Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

    Me: “Well you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

    Customer: “I can see that, I’m not stupid!”

    Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

    Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you, we’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

    Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

    Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

    Customer’s wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

    Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

    Customer’s wife: “She’s stupid. ”

    (His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

    Customer: “You should know things like that; you do work here. What’s the point?!”

    iPod, Meet iDiet

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Top

    (I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

    Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

    Me: “No…?”

    (I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until 10 minutes later.)

    She Fought The Law… And The Law Won

    | Bridgewater, NJ, USA |

    (This is one of those chains that does gunned ear piercings. Gun piercings have MANY risks–embedding being one of them. A customer walks in with two children, ages 4 and 7.)

    Customer: “The stone fell out of her earring. Can you put a new one in?”

    Me: *examines ear* “Ma’am, the earring is embedded in your daughter’s ear. You need to go to the doctor. I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “No, stone fall out of earring, we just need new one.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You see, putting the back on too tight like this pulls the front of the earring INTO the earlobe and it becomes stuck.”

    Customer: “Okay, you take out.”

    Me: “You aren’t getting it…it is stuck inside her ear. A doctor needs to cut her ear open with a scalpel and retrieve the earring.”

    Customer: *freaks out and starts stringing expletives together*

    (I retrieve her waiver to show her where she signed in FOUR places stating she understood the risks associated with the procedure.)

    Me: “See? You signed here explaining you understood the risks and aftercare.”

    Customer: “There was a line, I no read dis! Nobody read dis!”

    Me: “Well, if you had taken the time to read you would have seen that this can be dangerous. A responsible parent puts more effort into their child’s safety and well being.”

    (Needless to say she threatened my life, swore like a sailor in front of my customers, was chased by security and provided them a false name. I took her to court… and she lost.)

    What Strange Magic Is This

    | North Carolina, USA |

    Me: “Sporting Goods, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a tennis racquet. The one I have is the wrong one.”

    Me:¬†”What kind of tennis racquet are you looking for?”

    Customer:¬†”I’m a lefty. I need a left-handed tennis racquet.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Hello? Are you still there? Do you have any left-handed tennis racquets?”

    Me:¬†”Ma’am, just put the one you have in your left hand.¬†It’s now a left-handed tennis racquet.”

    Customer: “Oooh! I’m going to kill my husband!” *hangs up*

    I’m Sensing Something Cylindrical And… Swedish

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA |

    (I work at an adult novelty shop.  A man and a woman come into the store together, obviously a pair.  The man comes to the front counter, pays for a sex toy (think of the first Austin Powers movie) and leaves. A bit later, the woman comes up to the front desk.)

    Woman: “Have you seen my husband?”

    Me: ¬†”Ooooh. Um. I think he just left.”

    Woman: “Oh, really?” *gets on her cellphone* “Hey, honey! Forget something!?”

    (A few moments later, the front door flies open and the man sulks in, meets back up with his wife, and they both leave together.)

    Coworker: “I’m glad he came back for her. I don’t think she’d fit in the lost-and-found.”


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