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    Posted: Picky Procrastinator Prefers Plethora of Paraphernalia

    | Valencia, CA, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****** ma’am!¬†Is there anything I can help you find?”

    Customer: “Do you have any glass candle holders?”

    Me: “Of course, what kind were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Oh, nothing in particular. Could you bring me a selection? The kids are kinda cranky and I need to get some towels.”

    Me: “Here’s about eight different kinds.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have anything tall and thin? I need something about six inches high.”

    Me: “Two of these are over six inches…”

    Customer: “Those are too plain. Can I get something with a floral pattern?¬†Etched on the glass, I mean. ”

    Me: “This one has an etched vine design on it.”

    Customer: “Oh that one’s too expensive.¬†It needs to be under five dollars.”

    Me: “I found a style that fits your description, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Great! How many of them do you have?”

    Me: “Well, it was in the clearance section, which means that more than five could be difficult to find. How many do you need?”

    Customer: “Five hundred.”

    Me: “… um, I don’t think we have five hundred of ANYTHING in stock.¬†We don’t deal in high volume. I can order five hundred of this item for you though, and have them delivered to your house.”

    Customer: “How long would that take?”

    Me: “For an older item like this, and with that high a number, it will probably take the full two weeks specified in our shipping guarantee. We’ll need to get them from multiple locations.”

    Customer: “Oh.¬†I need them by tomorrow. ”

    Me: “… what?”

    Customer: “It’s a big charity event I’m hosting, and I need five hundred identical glass candle holders by tomorrow. ¬†Plus you do free gift wrapping, and I figured I could save some money there. ¬†I wanted ones like I saw in another store but I guess you just don’t have a very good selection.”

    Me: “Not if you need five hundred of them at once!”

    Buuuurn

    | Northern California, USA |

    (A man shoves himself to the front of a long line of people.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the line.”

    Him: “NO! I’m the Messiah!”

    Me: “Wow. The Jews are in for a BIG disappointment.”

    (He stands there for a second and shuffles to the back of the line. The other customers applaud.)

    Mr. Anal And Mrs. Retentive Go To Scotland

    | Dundee, Scotland, UK |

    (A South American customer and his wife were browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

    Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

    Me: “Well you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

    Customer: “I can see that, I’m not stupid!”

    Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

    Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you, we’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

    Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

    Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

    Customer’s wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

    Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

    Customer’s wife: “She’s stupid. ”

    (His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

    Customer: “You should know things like that; you do work here. What’s the point?!”

    iPod, Meet iDiet

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Top

    (I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

    Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

    Me: “No…?”

    (I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until 10 minutes later.)

    She Fought The Law… And The Law Won

    | Bridgewater, NJ, USA |

    (This is one of those chains that does gunned ear piercings. Gun piercings have MANY risks–embedding being one of them. A customer walks in with two children, ages 4 and 7.)

    Customer: “The stone fell out of her earring. Can you put a new one in?”

    Me: *examines ear* “Ma’am, the earring is embedded in your daughter’s ear. You need to go to the doctor. I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “No, stone fall out of earring, we just need new one.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You see, putting the back on too tight like this pulls the front of the earring INTO the earlobe and it becomes stuck.”

    Customer: “Okay, you take out.”

    Me: “You aren’t getting it…it is stuck inside her ear. A doctor needs to cut her ear open with a scalpel and retrieve the earring.”

    Customer: *freaks out and starts stringing expletives together*

    (I retrieve her waiver to show her where she signed in FOUR places stating she understood the risks associated with the procedure.)

    Me: “See? You signed here explaining you understood the risks and aftercare.”

    Customer: “There was a line, I no read dis! Nobody read dis!”

    Me: “Well, if you had taken the time to read you would have seen that this can be dangerous. A responsible parent puts more effort into their child’s safety and well being.”

    (Needless to say she threatened my life, swore like a sailor in front of my customers, was chased by security and provided them a false name. I took her to court… and she lost.)


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