Friends With Benefits, Cards With Innuendos

| Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find a certain section?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a card.”

Me: “Okay. What type of card?”

Customer: “Well, there is this guy and he is my friend…but not really…and I want to get him a special card.”

Me: “Okay, I’m not sure I understand. Do you want a friendship card?”

Customer: “No. Oh my God, he would hate that! It’s just that…we’re friends, but not really. Like, we’re more than friends.”

Me: “So, your boy–”

Customer: “OH, GOD NO! He’s not my boyfriend. We just have a lot of sex, and I want to get him a card…for that.”

Me: “Ma’am…I don’t think we actually make ‘Sex Buddy Cards’.”

Customer: *long pause*

Me: “Maybe a ‘Thank You’ card?”

Customer: *runs from store*

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Just Plain Queue-pid

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

(It’s a busy day, and we already have several customers lined up for the registers. A customer at the back of the line is trying to get a coworker’s attention.)

Customer: “Hey! Excuse me! I want to buy this!”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, but there are people in front of you. You’ll have to wait until they’re finished first.”

Customer: “What?! Why do they get to go first?”

Coworker: “Because they were here first?”

Customer: “Nuh-uh! You don’t know that!”

Coworker: “Yes, I do…”

(They go back and forth for a few minutes before my coworker gives up.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, they get to go first because they got dibs on the registers. ”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get dibs after them?”

Coworker: “Well, okay.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

No Dimes Like The Present

| Southfield, MI, USA | Uncategorized

(It’s my first day, and the place I’m working at has me doing registers. A lady comes up with a full cart with approximately $400 worth of merchandise. I run her credit card through, and it gets denied.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, your card isn’t being accepted by our system.”

Customer: “But it should be working! It doesn’t expire until 2010!”

Me: “Unfortunately, it seems your card might be maxed out. The expiration date won’t really help there.”

Customer: “…but it’s good until 2010!”

Co-worker: “Ma’am, there’s nothing he can do. Either find another way to pay for your purchase or leave the merchandise here.”

Customer: “All right, I’ll write a check, but I’m going to call [credit card company] and complain. They gave me a bad credit card! It’s not supposed to expire until 2010!”

(Surprisingly, the check went through.)

Walk Loudly And Carry A Sharp Stick

| Alberta, Canada | Uncategorized

(A couple comes up to me looking for something to help against attacking cougars. I recommend bear spray, a high-power pepper spray to repel predators.)

Customer: “Nah, we don’t need bear spray. Sometimes that stuff just pisses them off, y’know?”

Me: “Well, in some rare cases–”

Customer: “Hey what are those?” *points at 18″ machetes*

Me: “Those are machetes.”

Customer: “That’s perfect! That’s just what we ened. If there’s a cougar we don’t need no Bear Spray! We’ll just fight ’em off with this!”

Me: “Okay…you sure you wouldn’t like some bear spray, too? Just as a first option?”

Customer: “Nah, sometimes that just pisses them off!”

Crimes Of (Extremely Long) Premeditation

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “That’ll be $23.44, ma’am.”

Customer: *stares off into space*

Me: “…Ma’am?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “How would you like to pay for this?”

Customer: “Oh right, I guess I have to give you money…”

Me: “I’d appreciate it.”

Customer: “…or, I could always steal it.”

(At first I think she’s kidding; but, after a long pause, I realize she is actually contemplating this.)

Me: “I’d go with the former, ma’am.”

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