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    Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde, Part 2

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

    (I’m ringing up a sweater for a customer at the till.]

    Customer: “This isn’t for me. It’s for that homeless guy across the street.”

    Me: “That’s very kind of you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I know! It’s important to give back to the less fortunate.”

    (As I’m finishing with the transaction, she’s glances around the store.)

    Customer: “Wow, it’s pretty dead in here.”

    Me: “Yeah, we get a slow day every now and again.”

    Customer: “Well, I know that. I figured there would be a lot of people cashing their welfare cheques today.”

    (I’m not sure what to day to that, so I finish the transaction. As I’m putting the sweater in the bag with the rest of her items…)

    Customer: “Woah! Put that in a different bag, please. I don’t want that bum’s sweater touching my stuff!”

    Related:
    Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde

    What A Quack

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [store] where you can get great back to school fashions. This is Cara speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “Duck things? What sort of duck things, sir?”

    Customer: “Duck things.”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do you have any duck key chains?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “What about duck earrings?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Oh. Did you know I have over two hundred stuffed ducks?”

    Me: “That’s… awesome?”

    Customer: “They have neck braces. We got in a car accident, me and my stuffed ducks.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “I gave my ducks neck braces.”

    Me: “I really–”

    Customer: “The doctor had to wrap me in twelve blankets!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Customer: “Do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “No, but why don’t you try calling another [store]? We’re low volume, so we have less than the other ones.”

    Customer: “I have lots of stuffed ducks, you know. They have neck braces because we got in a car accident.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I have another customer. I really have to let you go.”

    Customer: “Do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “No, sir.”

    Customer: “Have a nice day!” *hangs up*

    Gastronomically Priced Apparel

    , | Columbia, MD, USA | Uncategorized

    (While working at a well-known clothing store, a customer walks up to my cash register empty handed.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you needed today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been in here for fifteen minutes and nobody gave me a table yet.”

    Me: “…What?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I’ve been here for fifteen minutes and nobody sat me down.”

    Me: “We have a couch over by the fitting rooms if you’d like to have a seat.”

    Customer: “You don’t have any tables? What about booths?”

    Me: “Um…we don’t have anything like that here.”

    Customer: “Is this a new type of restaurant or something?”

    Me: “No, this is a clothing store; we sell clothes. That’s why we have lots of clothing here and no kitchen.”

    Customer: “Oh…why didn’t anybody tell me?”

    Me: “Did you ask someone?”

    Customer: “No!” *storms out of the store*

    Now Accepting Cash, Checks, And Fingerpaint

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer walks up to my register with her 2 year old sitting in the child seat of her cart.)

    Customer: “I have these two coupons I’d like to use.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you can only use one coupon.”

    Customer: “Okay, then I’ll buy this separately.”

    (The customer separates a large pillar candle from her other purchases and puts one of the coupons on top.)

    Me: “Actually, we can only take one coupon per customer per day.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “I’m not buying it, she’s buying it!” *gestures to her 2 year old*

    Trial By Hire

    | San Bernardino, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (I’ve just been hired as a cashier and it’s my first day. Halfway through my shift, I get called to go to the manager’s office. In the office is another man.)

    Manager: “Ah, there you are. Thanks for coming over so quickly.”

    Me: “No problem, what’s up?”

    Manager: “This here is Henry. I’d like you to help him find the items on his grocery list and help him with whatever he may need.”

    Henry: “Hello.”

    Me: “Hey. Well, shall we get started?”

    (Henry holds up a fake mustache and begins speaking in a British accent.)

    Henry: “This the best you could hire?! This place is becoming worse every week!”

    Manager, to me: “Can I talk to you outside for a second?”

    Me: “Sure…”

    (We go outside and my manager explains to me that when Henry holds up his mustache, he is British and his name is Hensley.)

    Manager: “Just take him around and help him get his stuff.”

    Me: “Alright, will do…”

    (We start off finding him tea.)

    Me: “Alright, our tea is right over here.”

    Henry: “Let’s see…green tea…green tea…ah. Here it is!”

    (The mustache goes up as he reaches for the tea.)

    Hensley: “I don’t want green tea.”

    (The mustache goes down.)

    Henry: “Must you be so picky?!”

    (The mustache goes up.)

    Hensley: “It isn’t my fault you have such terrible taste!”

    (The mustache goes down.)

    Henry: “Fine, what kind of tea do you want?!”

    (The mustache goes up.)

    Hensley: “I’m not sure.”

    (This goes on for a grueling, long, painful 37 items. After two hours of this and a full cart, we head for the check out.)

    Henry: “Thank you so much for being so patient with us.”

    Me: “Glad I could help you two out!”

    (The mustache goes up.)

    Hensley: “Yes, thank you ever so much for the assistance. Don’t let us hold you up dearie. Off you go…shoo, shoo!”

    Me: “Alright, take care.”

    (I head to the manager’s office, where several co-workers are also waiting.)

    Me: “What the h*** was that for? Some sort of hazing?”

    Manager: “Nope, he comes in every four days and buys the exact same stuff. Good way to test new employees!”

    (So far they’ve tried this on five other new people while I’ve worked here. They all lost their temper and were fired. Henry/Hensley asks for me every few visits and he is a regular customer of mine now. Well, a not-so-regular customer…)

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