Sticky First Dates

| Detroit, MI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for your rubber semen.”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “You heard right! I need rubber semen.”

Me: “Um…I’m not entirely sure we carry that here.”

Customer: “Well, if you have it, it would be over by the glue.”

Me: “Oh! You meant rubber cement!”

Customer: “What did you think I meant?”

Me: “…Semen.”

Customer: “Oh, no… we wouldn’t be talking about that until we’ve gone out a couple times.”

Customer V2.0: Now With New & Improved Telepathy

| Tucson, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

(The store I work in closes at 10:00 PM. It’s 11:30 pm and I’ve finished closing up shop, so I am about to leave. A customer comes up to the door.)

Customer: “Hey are you open?”

Me: “No, we’re closed.”

Customer: “Okay, but you ARE open, right?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we aren’t.”

Customer: “But I want to buy something.”

Me: “Sorry, you’ll have to buy it tomorrow.”

Customer: “Fine! You f*%$ing scumbag!”

Me: *thinking: what a b****!*

Customer: “I HEARD THAT!”

The Right Place At The Wrong Time

| Olney, Maryland, USA | Uncategorized

(This took place at the cigar store I work at.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need the biggest cigar you’ve got.”

Me: “OK, our largest is 12 inches long, and the price is $27 before tax.”

Customer: “Whoa! 27 bucks? You got anything cheaper?”

Me: “Well, yes. Is this going to be a gag gift?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “You know, a joke present for someone?”

Customer: “Oh h*** no! I’m just gonna split it and fill it with this.”

(The customer pulls a plastic bag full of marijuana out of his pocket.)

Customer #2: “Wow, that’s some fine-lookin’ weed you got there!”

Customer: “Yeah, I just bought it.”

(Customer #2 pulls out his badge and identifies himself as a county police officer.)

Customer: “Am I in trouble?”

Customer #2: “Yes you are.”

Introducing The iKa-Chunk

| New Zealand | Uncategorized

(A very elderly customer approaches me at my mobile phone kiosk.)

Customer: “Oh, these looks nice. What are you selling?”

Me: “Mobile phones, ma’am. They’ll allow you to keep in touch with people, wherever you are.”

Customer: “Oh, this one looks lovely, nice, and slim! *unfolds it and holds it to her ear* “What’s this one called?”

Me: “That one is called a stapler, ma’am.”

The Oracle At Register Five

| Kansas, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m helping out a backup cashier as he checks a customer out.)

Me: “Corn is 4078.”

Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What are the melons?”

Me: “4050.”

Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What’s watermelon?”

Me: “4032.”

Customer: “What’s the winning lottery numbers?”

Me: “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be working here!”

Customer: “It was worth a shot.”

Page 348/454First...346347348349350...Last