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    A New Form Of Payment

    | Fort Lauderdale, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I’ll make you a deal.”

    Me: “Ok…?”

    Customer: “You give me these glasses, and I’ll let you take a picture of me wearing them, and hang it up in your store.”

    Me: “Um…what?”

    Customer:“Yeah, like all these pictures you have of people hanging up.”

    Me: “Those are professional models.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a model.”

    Me: “…”

    That’s Commitment

    | New York, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling your local 24-hour pharmacy, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, what time do you close?”

    Me: “Sir, we never close. We’re open 24 hours.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous. How can you put up with that?”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “So if I show up at 4 in the morning with a prescription, you’d be there?”

    Me: “Yes sir, we’d be open.”

    Customer: “And what time do you open?”

    Me: “Sir…we never close, we are always open. Think of it like a 24-hour diner; there’s always someone here to help you.”

    Customer: “Oh man, that must stink – when do you get time to go home and sleep?!”

    Me: “Er…we have cots in the back.”

    Airtight Conclusions For Windbags

    | Washington, DC, USA |

    (A customer comes in attempting to return a worn, filthy $39 dress that’s covered with hair.)

    Me: “Our company’s policy states that we cannot return worn merchandise. I’m sorry, but we can’t give you your refund.”

    Customer: “I never wore this. I want my money back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the dress is stained with your makeup, and has your hair on it. I refuse to take this item back.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your store manager.”

    Me: “I am the store manager.”

    Customer: *takes a few steps back* “Look at me. I’m dressed head to toe in your clothing. I make more money in a year than you will in a lifetime.”

    Me: “That may be so, but I’m still not taking your dress back. It seems that the price shouldn’t be an issue for you.”

    Customer: “You don’t know who I am. You’ll be lucky to have a job in the morning!”

    Me: “If you earn as much as you say, wouldn’t my year of unemployment cost more out of your income taxes than the price of the dress?”

    Customer: *storms off*

    Pen Envy

    | The Colony, TX, USA |

    (Upon finishing a transaction with a customer, I give her a printed receipt to sign, along with a foot-long novelty pen.)

    Customer: *getting very excited* “Oh. My. God. I love this pen.”

    Me: “Ha, yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

    Customer: “No, you have no idea. I love this pen. Gigantic pens are my thing.”

    Me: “Oh, well, that’s cool then.”

    Customer: “Can I buy it from you? I collect gigantic pens.”

    Me: “Well, it’s not exactly a sale item, and it’s the manager’s pen anyway, so–”

    Customer: “But I collect them! And this one is just awesome. Here, I can trade you for my pen.”

    Me: “No, I don’t think–”

    Customer: *digs in her purse and thrusts a pen at me* “Here, look! It’s really nice and it writes really well. Look at this – it’s real wood! It’s a REALLY NICE PEN!”

    Me: “I’m sure you’d rather have that nice pen than the manager’s giant pen.”

    (The customer begins to awkwardly try and sneak the huge pen into her purse. I stare at her while she does this, and she stops.)

    Customer: “All right, all right! But I’ll be back for it!”

    Me: “I have no doubt that you will. Have a nice day.”

    Beefed-Up Technology

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (I was a customer at a cell phone store, observing the following exchange.)

    Employee: “I’m sorry sir, but your phone has water damage, which isn’t covered by the warranty. You will have to purchase a new phone.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I haven’t gotten the phone wet!”

    Employee: “Have you used the phone in the rain? Sometimes, that’s all it takes to get the internals wet enough to damage the device.”

    Customer: “Well, yes, but that doesn’t make any sense! Cows are in the rain all the time and they don’t die!”

    Employee: “…”

    Me: *interjecting* “Sir, cows aren’t electronic devices.”

    Customer: *storms out*

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