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    Geography, My Arch Nemesis, We Meet Again…

    , | San Jose, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** at Santana Row. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Your stores are having midnight releases for ‘World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King’, right?”

    Me: “Yes, certain locations are going to be open, but our store–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “It’s already midnight in the East coast – you can’t you sell them now?”

    Me: “Uhh… unfortunately not.”

    Customer: “BUT WHY?! IT’S MIDNIGHT IN THE EAST COAST!”

    Me: “Well, it’s not midnight here, so, NO, we can’t sell it.”

    Customer: “But people will be leveling up before me!! AGHHH! This is bulls***!”

    Me: “Either way, our location isn’t going to be open for the midnight release. The closest location that will be open for the midnight release is 45 minutes away.”

    Customer: “So if I go there, they should be selling them?!”

    Me: “Probably not. They’re still on Pacific Standard Time.”

    Customer: “What should I do then?! Everyone on the East coast will have a head start!”

    Me: “Maybe you should move to the East Coast.”

    Customer: “What time are you closing?”

    Me: “10:00 pm.”

    Customer: “I’m coming right now!”

    Me: “Ok…?”

    I Just Lost My Appetite…

    | Moscow, ID, USA |

    (A customer comes in with “artistic” nude pictures of herself and her husband, and throws them on the counter.)

    Customer: “What kind of frame should I put on these? They are going in the kitchen.”

    Me: “The kitchen, huh? Well, I can start you off with a few options.” *I show her a few frames*

    Customer: “…and how much would this be?”

    Me: “$350.00 each.”

    Customer: “For $350.00 I’d expect something a little more… phallic.”

    This…Is…Spyware!

    , | Texas, USA | Technology, Top

    Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

    Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

    Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

    Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

    Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

    Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

    Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

    Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

    Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

    Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

    One Annoyed Paranoid

    | Nebraska, USA |

    (I work at the photo department and am checking out a customer with a “Happy Birthday, Grand Son!” birthday card.)

    Customer: “Hello… I only have this one birthday card.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.15. I just need your signature on the line, please.”

    (The customer begins to sign her receipt, then pauses. She looks closely at the slip, then looks up at me, angry.)

    Customer: “Now how does this know who I am?!”

    Me: “… excuse me?”

    Customer: “It has my name on it! Right here, below the line! I have never shopped here before. Where did you get my information?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the information comes from your credit card.”

    Customer: “Well!”

    (She signs the slip and gives it to me. I put the slip in the register drawer.)

    Customer: “And what are you doing with that? It has my information on it. You can’t just keep it!”

    Me: “Umm, we have to keep it. That’s how you pay for things…” *register prompts for a zip code* “… and may I get your zip code, please?”

    Customer: “Why do you need my address?!”

    Me: “Well, American Express needs it. It’s a security measure. And it doesn’t need your whole address, just the zip code.”

    Customer: “This is identity theft! Give me back my signature!”

    Me: “Um, I promise you, I am not. And I can’t open the drawer mid-transaction, but I can call a manager to cancel your transaction.”

    Customer: “You aren’t a cashier! How do I even know you work here?!”"

    Me: “Well, here’s my name tag. And my picture is on the wall.”

    Customer: “If you work in the photo department, that could be photoshopped! You do not work here! I want a manager!”

    Me: “Umm, okay…” *calls manager*

    Manager: “What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “This thief is stealing my personal identity!”

    Manager: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want my signature back! She is asking too many questions!”

    Manager: “Okay, I will take it from here. So what is your zip code?”

    (My manager takes care of the rest of the transaction. The receipt then prints out…)

    Manager: “Here you go! Tell your grandson to have a happy birthday!”

    Customer: “AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GRANDSON!? YOU PEOPLE STOP AT NOTHING! I AM REPORTING YOU! THIS IS ILLEGAL!” *continues yelling all the way out the door*

    Label Whores

    , | Winchester, VA, USA |

    Customer: “I saw in your flier that y’all sell Swarovski crystal beads. ¬†Where would I find those?”

    Me: “In the beading aisle, ma’am. It’s the third up from the back, and the beads should be at the end nearest the wall.”

    Customer: “I already looked there! There aren’t any!”

    Me: ¬†”Oh, here they are, right here.”

    Customer: “Wait… are you sure?¬†Those don’t say Swarovski on them.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, they do, right here.”

    Customer: “Show me the ones that say Swarovski on them!”

    Me: “These ones right here, ma’am.”

    Customer: ¬†”No, no, no! The ones that SAY ‘Swarovski’ ON THEM!¬†Not on the cardboard!”

    Me: Wait… you want them to say Swarovski on the bead itself?”

    Customer: “Yes, of course!”

    Me: “Ma’am, these beads are tiny. There wouldn’t be room to write ‘Swarovski’ on them even if they wanted to or could. ”

    Customer: “Well, then why bother?”

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