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    Take A Guess Who The Better Half Is

    , | San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA | Top

    (A couple approaches, and the dude ditches quickly to the back of the store while the woman barks…)

    Woman: “I need some tickets!”

    Me: “What show?”

    Woman: “I need tickets to the concert.”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Woman: “The concert.”

    Me: “There are a lot of concerts going on, which one do you want to see?”

    Woman: “I don’t know what it’s called.”

    Me: “Who’s playing?”

    Woman: “A bunch of people…I don’t know.”

    Me: “Do you know where it’s going to be?”

    Woman: “No.”

    Me: “When?”

    Woman: “No–why can’t you find my tickets?!?”

    Me: “I need something to go on.”

    Woman: “It’s a concert!”

    Me: “That doesn’t narrow it down for me. That pretty much only eliminates Phantom of the Opera.”

    (She finally yells at the dude who has been hiding in magazines.)

    Woman: “What’s the name of the concert we’re going to?”

    (The dude comes forward and gives me the name of the show, where it is and on what day.)

    Woman: “Oh, NOW you can find the tickets.”

    Me: “…”

    Woman: “We need two tickets…TOGETHER!”

    Me, looking at dude: “Are you sure?”

    (He smiled, she missed it, and I lived to do retail another day.)

    Always Right, Even When At The Wrong Store

    , | Yorkshire, UK |

    (I work in a motor factor (in America, an auto parts/accessories shop) which is on the same estate as a car workshop. Outside there is a huge sign for the workshop stating the things that they do e.g. brakes, exhausts, MOT testing etc.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book my car in for a five point service.”

    (Now, we do various easy-peasy checks e.g. oil, water, and we fit batteries, bulbs, radios etc, so often customers are often confused as to exactly what we do and do not do.)

    Me: “You mean the five point check? Just pull your car into the bay outside and I’ll be out in a minute.”

    Customer: “No, NO, I meant the service you have advertised outside! New brakes, oil change!”

    Me: “I think you’re confusing us with the garage next door. We’re just a motor factor.”

    Customer: “But you’ve got a sign outside!”

    Me: “Let’s have a look then…”

    (We look and the sign is for the garage next door, not our motor factor. I point out that our building has a completely different name outside it.)

    Customer: “That’s false advertising! Why can’t you do it?! I demand that I get a free service for the inconvenience you have caused me!”

    Me: “Sorry mate, we’re just a motor factor. I’d happily service my own car, but I’m not a mechanic, I’m a history student. If you’d like the five-point service, try the building with the same name as on the sign.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I want YOU–” *stabs me in the chest with his finger* “–to service my car right now!”

    Me: “Okay, if you just follow me, and talk to that gentleman there–” *points at garage owner* “–I can service your car straight away.”

    Customer: *walks off swearing*

    Kids Say The Truthiest Things

    , | Belgium | Top

    (Santa was visiting our store, and every kid got a small bag of candy. Then this happened…)

    Santa: “Here you go, little boy!”

    Kid: “Thank you, Santa!”

    Mom: “Aren’t you forgetting anything?”

    Kid: “What, mommy?”

    Mom: “Ask Santa for another bag for your brother like I told you.” *looks at Santa* “He’s sick at home and couldn’t come.”

    Santa: “No problem!” *reaches for another bag*

    Kid: “But mommy, I don’t have a brother!”

    Mom: “…”

    Santa: *puts bag back*

    Why (Good) Regulars Really Rock

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A man walks into the store with a broken appliance in a bag.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve had this for about a month now and it broke, so I want a refund.”

    Me: “Sir, we’re a liquidation store. All sales are final, but I can replace this item for you.”

    (A co-worker of mine grabs another one off the shelf and switches it for the customer.)

    Customer: “How do I know this one won’t break down in a month like the last one?”

    Me: “That’s the thing, we don’t know. If I had some kind of time acceleration chamber, we could put it in there, dial it up to one month from now and see how it’s doing.”

    Customer: “Pfft! So what am I supposed to do, take it home and use it for a month and come back if it doesn’t work?”

    Me: “Either that, or stay here for the next month.”

    Customer: “What about my gas money I spend coming back and forth?”

    Me: “Driving your car is a luxury, you could take the bus!”

    (At this point a line was forming behind the customer…and the customers in line were regulars who are always joking around with me.)

    Old Man: “I rode a horse here today!”

    Old Woman: “I rode a mule!”

    Customer: *takes his new product and storms out*

    Methinks Thou Hast A Stick Up Thine Arse

    | Salem, OR, USA |

    (I’ve worked in a convenience store and a computer shop, and I’ve got a little joke about credit cards and a disarming smile and laugh that people seem to enjoy…but this once…)

    Customer: “Do you guys take credit cards?”

    Me, smiling: “Sure do, but we don’t give ‘em back.”

    Customer, very angry: “You’d g*dd*mn better give it back or I’ll have you arrested on the spot!”

    Me: “That was a joke …”


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