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    Fit To Be Wide

    | Missouri, USA |

    (An angry, overweight female customer approaches me with a Nintendo Wii Fit and hands me her receipt.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem with it?”

    Customer: “I think it’s broken.”

    Me: “All right, what’s going on?”

    Customer: “Whenever it weighs me and calculates my BMI, it labels me as obese.”

    Me: “And…”

    Customer: “Well, that can’t be right!”

    Me: “From what I’ve heard, the measurements on Wii Fits are fairly accurate. Are you sure you want to return this? They’re pretty hard to find.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

    Me: “No, I’m just saying that…”

    Customer: “You just called me fat!

    Me: “No, I was just saying…”

    Customer: “Whatever. I still want to return it. It’s obviously not working right. And, I think someone should talk to the designer; make them use a different word. It hurt my feelings.”

    Me: *soothingly* “Maybe you could contact Nintendo; write a letter or something.”

    Customer: “You know what, I will! I’ll let them know that their stupid game called me obese and made me cry for three hours straight. I haven’t eaten solid food for two days because of it. I’m so hungry! I almost fainted last night. Do you think I can sue?”

    Me: “Well, you can sure try. Have a nice day.”

    Redemption Is Futile

    | Novi, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I want money for this.” *holding up a gift certificate*

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but we can’t give you money back for that.”

    Customer: “But someone gave YOU money for this; I want MONEY for it.”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. Our store is closing. I can talk to Corporate and see if they can do something for you, but it’s Sunday and they’re not open today.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! This is horrible customer service. I’m never shopping here again!”

    Me: “It doesn’t matter. We’re closing.”

    The Root Of The Problem

    , | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Hey there! Do you guys have any bamboo wood flooring?”

    Customer’s Wife: “Not fake bamboo. Real bamboo.”

    Me: “Not in stock, but we can easily special order some for you. Might I ask why you specifically need bamboo?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, we had our basement finished a few years ago with oak floors, but since then it has flooded several times. We keep having to tear up the floor and put down new stuff.”

    Customer’s Wife: “It’s very annoying.”

    Customer: “Very. So we figured that if we had bamboo floors it would be able to soak up the water easily, or be reusable or something like that.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Do you know if bamboo can do that?”

    Me: “Um…I’ve never thought much about it, but I think the bigger concern here is whatever’s causing your basement to consistently flood.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Something with the window wells. I just figured this would be a quick fix.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re in the completely wrong department.”

    My Life Coach Went To Film [Processing] School

    , | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

    (A customer was picking up reprints from her film negatives.  I observed this exchange.)

    Customer: “This is the wrong picture!”

    Co-worker: “Which one was it supposed to be?”

    Customer: “Number 18.”

    Co-worker: *looks at negatives* “That is number 18 from these negatives. Did you drop off the wrong ones?”

    Customer: “No! I just gave them to your staff and told him to print this one. *pointing to number 18 on an index print card*

    Co-worker: “Ok…these are the negatives you dropped off?

    Customer: *loudly* “Well, how was I supposed to know they were the wrong ones? I can’t tell you how to do your job! I’m not in the back watching what your staff does!”

    (Upon hearing this, the manager comes over)

    Manager: “Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “Yes! Your staff took the wrong negatives from me and printed the wrong photos! I can’t keep track of all my negatives…that’s your job!”

    Manager: “So you’re saying that it’s our job to organize your negatives?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Manager: “No. We won’t come home with you and organize your negatives. It’s your responsibility to check that you’re dropping off the right negatives–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “This is horrible customer service! I’m never coming back!”

    Manager: *sarcastically* “Yes, it is our job to organize your life for you too.”

    The Great Fish Massacre of 2008

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    Customer: “I bought ten fish and they all DIED.¬†The customer service desk said you would get me new ones. ¬†Here’s my receipt.”

    Me: “It looks like you had ten feeder goldfish?”

    Customer: “Yes, and they all DIED. I want new ones.”

    Me: “That’s unusual. Goldfish are pretty hardy. Did they have any little white spots, or anything like that before they died?”

    Customer: “No, I went to feed them and they were all dead in the bowl!”

    Me: Wait…you had ten goldfish in a bowl? What size?”

    Customer: “Like this!” *points to a small bowl on the shelf*

    Me: “Ma’am, that bowl only holds a gallon of water. The general rule for fish is ‘a gallon of water per inch of fish’. So for these goldfish at the size they’re now, you would need a tank larger then ten gallons to accommodate them.”

    Customer: “I want them in a bowl! Maybe I’ll get smaller fish. How much are these?” *pointing*

    Me: “Those are fancy guppies; they’re two dollars.”

    Customer: “EACH?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “What about those?

    Me: “Those are angelfish; they’re four dollars.”

    Customer: “EACH?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Just give me the ten fish to replace my other ones! Those are only 39 cents each!”

    Me: “Fine…but if you put them all in the same bowl, they’re all going to die again, and I don’t want to hear about it when they do!”

    Customer: *pause* “Get me my fish!”

    (She got her new fish.  No idea what the death toll was.)

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