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    Airtight Conclusions For Windbags

    | Washington, DC, USA |

    (A customer comes in attempting to return a worn, filthy $39 dress that’s covered with hair.)

    Me: “Our company’s policy states that we cannot return worn merchandise. I’m sorry, but we can’t give you your refund.”

    Customer: “I never wore this. I want my money back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the dress is stained with your makeup, and has your hair on it. I refuse to take this item back.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your store manager.”

    Me: “I am the store manager.”

    Customer: *takes a few steps back* “Look at me. I’m dressed head to toe in your clothing. I make more money in a year than you will in a lifetime.”

    Me: “That may be so, but I’m still not taking your dress back. It seems that the price shouldn’t be an issue for you.”

    Customer: “You don’t know who I am. You’ll be lucky to have a job in the morning!”

    Me: “If you earn as much as you say, wouldn’t my year of unemployment cost more out of your income taxes than the price of the dress?”

    Customer: *storms off*

    Pen Envy

    | The Colony, TX, USA |

    (Upon finishing a transaction with a customer, I give her a printed receipt to sign, along with a foot-long novelty pen.)

    Customer: *getting very excited* “Oh. My. God. I love this pen.”

    Me: “Ha, yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

    Customer: “No, you have no idea. I love this pen. Gigantic pens are my thing.”

    Me: “Oh, well, that’s cool then.”

    Customer: “Can I buy it from you? I collect gigantic pens.”

    Me: “Well, it’s not exactly a sale item, and it’s the manager’s pen anyway, so–”

    Customer: “But I collect them! And this one is just awesome. Here, I can trade you for my pen.”

    Me: “No, I don’t think–”

    Customer: *digs in her purse and thrusts a pen at me* “Here, look! It’s really nice and it writes really well. Look at this – it’s real wood! It’s a REALLY NICE PEN!”

    Me: “I’m sure you’d rather have that nice pen than the manager’s giant pen.”

    (The customer begins to awkwardly try and sneak the huge pen into her purse. I stare at her while she does this, and she stops.)

    Customer: “All right, all right! But I’ll be back for it!”

    Me: “I have no doubt that you will. Have a nice day.”

    Beefed-Up Technology

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (I was a customer at a cell phone store, observing the following exchange.)

    Employee: “I’m sorry sir, but your phone has water damage, which isn’t covered by the warranty. You will have to purchase a new phone.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I haven’t gotten the phone wet!”

    Employee: “Have you used the phone in the rain? Sometimes, that’s all it takes to get the internals wet enough to damage the device.”

    Customer: “Well, yes, but that doesn’t make any sense! Cows are in the rain all the time and they don’t die!”

    Employee: “…”

    Me: *interjecting* “Sir, cows aren’t electronic devices.”

    Customer: *storms out*

    The Elves Didn’t Meet Quota This Year

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling ****. My name is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes ma’am, I was wondering if you had any Mario Karts?”

    Me: “For the Nintendo Wii? No ma’am, we are currently sold out.”

    Customer: “Okay, but are you sure you don’t have any stocked up in the back that you’re ‘holding’ for someone?”

    Me: “No ma’am. We have none in stock whatsoever.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t think you’re helping me out too much with this sale.”

    Me: “Ma’am? There’s not really much I can do.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t think you UNDERSTAND. It is IMPERATIVE that I get this game for Christmas. You DO know what that means, right?”

    Me: “I’m fully capable of understanding a 4-syllable word, ma’am. However, that game has been a very hot item this Christmas, and has been nearly impossible to find. Im-poss-i-ble. You DO know what that means, right?”

    Customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GO ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR YOUR CUSTOMERS?”

    Me: “Ma’am, what more can I possibly do? We don’t have any physically in the store.”

    Customer: “Well thanks a lot! Now you’re gonna make me look like a bad Santa in front of my children!”

    Me: “Ma’am, a good Santa wouldn’t have waited two days before Christmas.”

    South Paw Prophecy

    | Gatineau, Quebec, Canada |

    Me: “Hello there, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I would like a refund on this item, please.”

    Me: “Ok, no problem sir.”

    (I start filling out a refund sheet.)

    Customer: “Oh! I see that you’re left handed!”

    Me: “Yep!”

    Customer: “I pity you….”

    Me: “Um…and why should I be pitied, exactly?”

    Customer: “How long did your parents live?”

    Me: “Er…both of my parents are very much alive, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh? What about your grandparents?”

    Me: “I saw them a few days ago. They’re alive too, and in great
    health.”

    Customer: “How old are they?”

    Me: *telling him their ages* “They’re in great shape.”

    Customer: “Then you will die at the age of 70!”

    Me: “Here’s your refund, sir….”

    Customer: “I wish it weren’t so…good luck to you.”

    Me: “Ok…”

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