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  • Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 7
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    The Tiny Flaw In An Otherwise Brilliant Plan

    | Marietta, GA, USA |

    (I work at customer service and this lady could not return a lamp because it was past our 90-day return policy.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, the transaction for the lamp does not show up on your credit card. Has it been more than 90 days?”

    Customer: “No, I dont think so! Try it again.”

    (I try two more times and sure enough, the same thing happens.)

    Me: “Ma’am, if you bought the lamp more than 90 days ago, it does not show up in our system anymore. We can do a store credit return if you would like, but you would get the lowest price which is about $3 less.”

    Customer: “Fine. It was 92 days ago! Now can I return it?”

    Me: “I cannot do that. That purchase is not in our system anymore and the computer will only allow me to give you store credit at that price.”

    (A long argument ensues and I tell her the same things.)

    Customer: “Well, you know what? I’m going to buy this lamp again and then use THAT receipt to return it!”

    Me: “Why would you want to do that? You would technically own two and then you’re returning one. It makes no difference.”

    Customer: “Then I’ll buy a NEW one and use that receipt to return my broken one!”

    Me: “I cannot allow you to do that. I am the supervisor and would have to report that sort of potential activity to our store security and managers.”

    Customer: “How did you know what I’m going to do?!”

    Me: “…um, because you just told me?”

    Paint By Dumbers

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    (I work in the crafts department of a very large retail store. A customer walks over and hands me a small bottle of white craft paint.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this white paint?”

    Me: “…yes.”

    Customer: “Oh. How can you tell what color it is?”

    Me: “The bottle is see-through. The color you see on the bottle is the actual paint.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. I’m sorry. I’ve never done crafts before.”

    Me: “That’s fine, I understand.”

    Customer: “So, how do I use this? Is the brush inside the bottle?”

    Me: “No…you have to buy the brush separately.”

    Customer: “So it’s not in there?”

    Me: “No. Paint brushes are a lot bigger than that bottle.”

    (I show her where the paint brushes are and help her pick one out.)

    Customer: “So…I just, like…brush the paint on what I want to paint?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s the general idea.”

    And The Landfills Wept

    | Seattle, WA |

    Me: “Just this scarf for you today?”

    Customer: “Yes — and could you please cut the tag off? I’m planning to wear it straight out of the store.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (after transaction is completed…)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “Um, can I have a bag, please?”

    Me: “…Err…I thought you wanted to wear your scarf out of the store?”

    Customer: “Well, yes, but I still need a bag. Where else would I put my receipt?” *stuffs her large wallet into her purse*

    Superman Goes Shopping

    | Elmira, NY, USA |

    (In my store, it’s store policy to check credit cards for signatures; if they’re not signed, we must see ID.)

    Me: “May I see your card, please?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “Your card is not signed sir, and I have to check IDs if there’s no signature.”

    Customer: “I know it’s not signed, and it’s not going to be signed.”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir – I just have to check your ID then.”

    Customer: “Here.” *shows ID*

    Me: “Okay, thank you – sign the machine please.”

    Customer: “How do you know that’s me in the ID? He has glasses on and I don’t.”

    Me: “Sir, it looks like you.”

    Customer: “But I don’t have glasses on.”

    Me: “Okay then – I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”

    Customer: “Oh, well – it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”

    Customer: “What? It’s me!”

    Me: “I know…it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”

    As Easy As 1, 3, 2

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi. I ordered a movie awhile back and I was wondering if it’s in yet.”

    Me: *checking the order history* “Unfortunately is hasn’t arrived yet. We’re still waiting on the distributor to send it to us.”

    Customer: “Oh, well how long is it going to take? ¬†I’ve been waiting for three months.”

    Me: “Actually my records indicate that you ordered the movie in October.”

    Customer: “Exactly. October, September, November. Three months!”

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