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    His Bigness Is None Of Your Business

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hello this is ***, *** speaking, how may I assist you?”

    Customer: “Ah, hello. ¬†I was just wondering… you see, I run an adult dance club outside of town.You know, with male strippers and such.”

    Me: “… uh huh.”

    Customer: ¬†”Well, we order our clothing through a store usually, on the internet. ¬†But I have a new man and we need some clothes for him and he’s… large.”

    Me: “… uh… huh?”

    Customer: “Well he… he’s very large.”

    Me: “Um, well… what.. was your question?”

    Customer: “Oh. ¬†Well,¬†I was wondering what kind of fabric you might recommend for a someone in our business.”

    Me: “Oh. ¬†Well, I would think something black. ¬†We have some see-through stuff. ¬†I might suggest a shimmer see through fabric. ¬†We have some of those…”

    Customer: “Oh good, good. Well, how much fabric do you think we’d need?”

    Me: “Well, it depends on his size.¬†If you take some measurements, I can–”

    Customer: “Well, the thing is… it’s his… his business. ¬†Can I tell you about his business…?”

    Me: “Go ahead…”

    Customer: ¬†”He is 12 inches long and three inches wide. ¬†Three inches! Have you ever heard of such a thing!”

    Me: “No, can’t say I have…”

    Customer: ¬†”Three inches wide! ¬†I didn’t even know they made them that wide. ¬†Do you know anyone like that? ¬†That long and that wide?”

    Me: “Uh… well, my friend is… I’ve never seen him… but his girlfriend tells me he’s… exceptionally… long.”

    Customer: “Oh? ¬†Your friend?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “But you’ve never seen it?”

    Me: *inwardly wanting to die* “No.”

    Customer: “Would he be interested in exotic male dancing?”

    Me: “Let’s focus on the fabrics. So you want to know how much you’ll need.¬†Now, I can’t see you needing more than two yards in total. ¬†Probably less.”

    Customer: “And that will cover his business…?”

    Me: “That… will cover… his business.”

    Customer: ¬†”Because he’s big. Now your friend, how did you say you knew he was so big?”

    Me: “Okay… you know what? ¬†I’m terribly sorry but my job isn’t to recruit my friends for an exotic dance club. ¬†Why don’t you measure your man, bring me the measurements and I will show you how much you need.”

    Customer: “Now, is he a black man?”

    Me: “Thanks for your call… goodbye.” ¬†*click*

    For My Next Trick…

    | Terrace, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

    Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

    Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

    Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

    Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

    Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

    Me: “With your car keys?”

    Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

    Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

    Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

    (I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

    Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

    Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

    Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

    (My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

    Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*

    Objects May Be Larger Than They Appear

    | Winter Park, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m fine. Yes. I would like to return this.” *sets down a family-sized box of cereal*

    Me: “All right…do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “Yes, of course. I just bought it yesterday.”

    Me: “Great! Oh, was there anything wrong with the item?”

    Customer: “Why, yes there was. It didn’t fit in my pantry!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Yes, it was too big! I bought it because it was such a good deal, and I brought it home and it didn’t fit! You really should put sizes on there or something.”

    (While listening to her I place a red defect sticker above the bar code on the box.)

    Customer: “There isn’t anything wrong with the cereal! I didn’t even open it!”

    Me: “But you took it home, and once food has been brought home, I have to defect it out if you’re returning it.”

    Customer: “What a waste!”

    Me: “Would you like this back on the card you paid with, or in cash?”

    Customer: “Cash, dear – I need some more cereal!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Opposite Day Strikes Again

    | Owatonna, MN, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** footwear, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, we’re on a trip up north, and are going to drive right past you guys in a couple of hours. We’re wondering if you had a particular shoe in stock? I even have the item number so you can look it up.”

    Me: “Wonderful!” *looking up item* “I’m sorry ma’am, that particular shoe is only carried in our catalog.”

    Customer: “Good, well, we don’t want to stop if you don’t have them there.”

    Me: “Yeah…well, I’m sorry to say we don’t have them here. The best we could do is order them for you.”

    Customer: “Ok, great, I’m a size 8, so if you could just put those on hold that’d be great. We’re on a trip and I just want to make a quick stop to pick them up.”

    Me: “I’m…sorry, ma’am, maybe you didn’t hear me. We do not have those shoes in this store.”

    Customer: “Ok, we’ll be there in a couple hours.”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t have them. I don’t know how else to say this…. None, we have zero in stock; there’s really no need for you to come in, please…don’t come in.”

    Customer: “All right, we’ll see you then.” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

    Generosity Which Knows No Bounds

    , | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (We were having a toy drive – if you bought and donated any $5 toy, you could receive 20% off your entire purchase. A woman wearing a fur coat was buying five bags of toys.)

    Me: “Ma’am, would you be interested in donating a toy today? Since your total comes to $400, you’d save $80–”

    Customer: *angrily* “My husband and I donate to CHARITY, so I don’t think I need to be guilt-tripped into your awful little toy drive!”

    Me: “Your total is $400, then.”

    Customer: “Is there any way I can get a discount?”

    Me: “No…no, I’m afraid not.”

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