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    Opposite Day Strikes Again

    | Owatonna, MN, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** footwear, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, we’re on a trip up north, and are going to drive right past you guys in a couple of hours. We’re wondering if you had a particular shoe in stock? I even have the item number so you can look it up.”

    Me: “Wonderful!” *looking up item* “I’m sorry ma’am, that particular shoe is only carried in our catalog.”

    Customer: “Good, well, we don’t want to stop if you don’t have them there.”

    Me: “Yeah…well, I’m sorry to say we don’t have them here. The best we could do is order them for you.”

    Customer: “Ok, great, I’m a size 8, so if you could just put those on hold that’d be great. We’re on a trip and I just want to make a quick stop to pick them up.”

    Me: “I’m…sorry, ma’am, maybe you didn’t hear me. We do not have those shoes in this store.”

    Customer: “Ok, we’ll be there in a couple hours.”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t have them. I don’t know how else to say this…. None, we have zero in stock; there’s really no need for you to come in, please…don’t come in.”

    Customer: “All right, we’ll see you then.” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

    Generosity Which Knows No Bounds

    , | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (We were having a toy drive – if you bought and donated any $5 toy, you could receive 20% off your entire purchase. A woman wearing a fur coat was buying five bags of toys.)

    Me: “Ma’am, would you be interested in donating a toy today? Since your total comes to $400, you’d save $80–”

    Customer: *angrily* “My husband and I donate to CHARITY, so I don’t think I need to be guilt-tripped into your awful little toy drive!”

    Me: “Your total is $400, then.”

    Customer: “Is there any way I can get a discount?”

    Me: “No…no, I’m afraid not.”

    Inventory Reality Check

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Customer: *to me, serious* “So, are you 50% off too?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Your sign says that everything is 50% off. That includes you, right?”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I am not for sale. The sale is only on Christmas items, and I am not included.”

    Customer: *still serious* “But you work here! That means you’re for sale too!”

    (After a 5-minute battle, he finally gives up and walks out empty-handed.)

    Eggs, Milk, Bondage Gear…

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA |

    (I was working for a grocery store in Panama City Beach, which is a big tourist spot. I was bagging this couple’s groceries – which included condoms – when this exchange occurred.)

    Me: “So, you must be from out of town, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, we’re only here for a few days. Just getting the necessities, y’know?”

    (Just then, a pair of handcuffs comes rolling down the conveyor belt.)

    Me: “Just the necessities, eh?”

    Off To A Great Start

    | Akron, OH, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can I talk to a manager?”

    Me: “I’m the manager on duty. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “YOU’RE the manager on duty?! You look like you’re about 16! *laughs with disbelief & scorn*

    Me: “Well, I’m 24, and I am a manager here. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Can I have a job application?”

    Me: “Um…sure.”

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