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    The Store, My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “I’ve been trying to order a book from your store in Palm Harbor for the last two days, but they never pick up the phone!”

    Me: “OK, what number are you calling?”

    (The customer gives me the number and I check our records. She has been calling the right number.)

    Customer: “I’ve been calling and calling and they never, EVER answer! It’s so unprofessional! I need you to contact them for me.”

    Me: “Well, to be honest, if they never pick up for you, they’re not going to pick up for me either, but I’ll see if our manager has a suggestion.”

    Customer: “Well, obviously you should try calling on the employee line!”

    Me: “We don’t have that, ma’am. We call each other’s stores with the same numbers you’re using.”

    Customer: “When you get through to them, tell them I want them to order this item…”

    (The customer gives me all the book information and her phone number, then proceeds to complain about how frustrated and angry she is about our company’s terrible attitude. I talk to my district manager, who gives me some very important news. I relay the following to this woman’s answering machine…)

    Me: “Hello, I’m calling you back about the item you wanted ordered from another store in our chain. Unfortunately, we’ve just found out that our Palm Harbor store was blown away in the recent hurricane. I’m sure this is why they’re not answering their phone. Please give us a call back any time, and let us know if we can assist you further. Have a nice day!”

    Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

    Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would.”

    Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

    (The total rings up as $24.32.)

    Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

    Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

    Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry…I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

    Customer’s daughter, to me: “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

    Customer: “Smart a**!”

    Do As I Yell, Not As I Do

    | New York, USA |

    Me: “Do you have a store credit account?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Would you like to open one? You’ll get 15% off your purchase today and–”

    Customer: “NO. I don’t open up useless credit accounts. You wonder why people are in debt all the time, it’s because they open up s*** like this. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

    Me: *silently rings up the rest of her purchase* “And how would you like to pay for this?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m going to put it on my store credit account.”

    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

    The Secret Lives Of Customers

    , | California, USA |

    (I am helping a customer upgrade his cell phone, which was broken for some reason. I open the phone and set it on the counter.)

    Customer: “Gosh, I don’t know why it doesn’t–hey! It looks wet in there!”

    Me: “Oh? Well, it does, but the indicator says it’s not water, or at least it didn’t do any damage to the hardware.”

    (The customer picks up his phone, sniffs at it, touches the liquid and TASTES it.)

    Customer: “Oh! OH! The butter!”

    Me: “…sir…can I ask…how did you–”

    Customer: “You know, I’d rather not explain that one.”

    It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm

    | California, USA |

    Me: “[Beauty supply store], how can I help you?”

    Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?”

    Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?”

    Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know…is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?”

    (At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.)

    Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.”

    Caller: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up*

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