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    Renamed: The iPod Please Touch The Frigging Screen

    , | Toronto, Canada |

    Customer: “Hello, I just bought this iPod, and I can’t make it go.”

    Me: “What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “It won’t go.”

    Me: “Okay, how exactly?”

    Customer: “IT WON’T GO.”

    Me: “Can I see your iPod?”

    (The customer takes out iPod Touch and shows it to me. I turn it on and open up Safari.)

    Me: “It seems to be working fine.”

    (I hand it back to her. She presses the home button multiple times.)

    Customer: “How did you do that? It’s not working.”

    Me: “Ma’am, what kind of iPod is that?”

    Customer: “iPod Touch.”

    Me: “Yeah… so try touching one of the icons on the screen.”

    (She does.)

    Customer: “OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO COOL! YOU’RE A GENIUS!”

    Me: “Yeah, well.”

    Straight Into The Lion’s Den

    , | Israel |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I have Windows on my computer and it’s not booting up properly anymore.”

    Me: “Did you buy the PC here?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did you buy Windows here?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Then I’m afraid I can’t really help you with that.”

    Customer: “Look here, you sell Windows. I downloaded and installed Windows, and it’s not working. You’re supposed to help me.”

    Me: “Let me just get it right. You’ve downloaded a copy of Windows, installed it and now it’s giving you problems.”

    Customer: “Yes, and it’s your job to help me.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. Here’s Microsoft Israel support phone number. Call them and tell them exactly what you told me.”

    Like A Dog Chasing Its Own Tail

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “Do you have this shoe in a size 6? My son needs a size six.”

    Me: “Ahh… no, I’m sorry. It seems we’re all out of that size.”

    Customer: “But, there’s a size six right there.”

    (She points to a shoe that is a completely different style.)

    Me: “Yes, but that’s a different style shoe. We stock them alphabetically on the riser, but on the shelves we show them by price.”

    Customer: “Just give me that six, then!”

    Me: “Sure thing.” *hands her the box*

    Customer: “This isn’t the shoe I wanted.”

    Me: “I know. Even though I just told you that we are out of size six in the style you wanted, you still asked to see this one.”

    Customer: “I don’t want this one. Put it back.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Customer: “What about this style shoe?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, there aren’t any size sixes left in that style either.”

    Customer: “But there’s a six RIGHT THERE.”

    (Note that she is pointing to the box I JUST put back.)

    Me: “That is a different shoe style, and you already looked at that EXACT box.”

    Customer: “JUST GET ME THAT SIX!”

    Me: “Okay.” *hands her the box*

    Customer: “This isn’t the style that I wanted!”

    Me: “…”

    Childhood Dream, Meet Retail Nightmare

    , | Los Angeles, CA |

    (We often get fashion design students in our store to get samples of fabric for school projects.)

    Student: “Can I get some swatches? I go to the *** fashion school and need them for a class project.”

    Me: “No problem. That’s the school I went to.”

    Student: “Oh, cool! What do you do now?”

    Me: “… I work here.”

    Student: *their dreams crush before my eyes*

    Iraq, Land Of Crappy Return Policies

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I wanted to return this set of knives and your cashier wouldn’t let me.”

    Me: “When was the original date of purchase, ma’am?”

    (She hands me a receipt.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Since you bought these over 60 days ago, we won’t be able to refund your money.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want them anymore. Just take them back and give me my money.”

    Me: “I’m not able to do that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want the g**d*** knives! Take them!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is not in my power to do a return for you.”

    Customer: “Well, then get someone who can, g**d*** it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you don’t understand. After 60 days, the system locks out the transaction. It is in nobody’s power to refund you.”

    Customer: “You g**d*** incompetent pieces of s***! I don’t want these f***ing knives, and I want you to take them back now!”

    Me: “There is nothing I can do to help you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It’s because of f***ing fascists like you that we’re at war in Iraq! Do you realize that? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”


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