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    Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

    Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would.”

    Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

    (The total rings up as $24.32.)

    Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

    Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

    Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry…I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

    Customer’s daughter, to me: “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

    Customer: “Smart a**!”

    Do As I Yell, Not As I Do

    | New York, USA |

    Me: “Do you have a store credit account?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Would you like to open one? You’ll get 15% off your purchase today and–”

    Customer: “NO. I don’t open up useless credit accounts. You wonder why people are in debt all the time, it’s because they open up s*** like this. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

    Me: *silently rings up the rest of her purchase* “And how would you like to pay for this?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m going to put it on my store credit account.”

    Related:
    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

    The Secret Lives Of Customers

    , | California, USA |

    (I am helping a customer upgrade his cell phone, which was broken for some reason. I open the phone and set it on the counter.)

    Customer: “Gosh, I don’t know why it doesn’t–hey! It looks wet in there!”

    Me: “Oh? Well, it does, but the indicator says it’s not water, or at least it didn’t do any damage to the hardware.”

    (The customer picks up his phone, sniffs at it, touches the liquid and TASTES it.)

    Customer: “Oh! OH! The butter!”

    Me: “…sir…can I ask…how did you–”

    Customer: “You know, I’d rather not explain that one.”

    It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm

    | California, USA |

    Me: “[Beauty supply store], how can I help you?”

    Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?”

    Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?”

    Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know…is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?”

    (At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.)

    Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.”

    Caller: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up*

    Mommy Sincerest

    | Annapolis, MD, USA |

    (I’m in a dressing room when I overhear a mother a few rooms down having this conversation with her two children she had brought in with her. She’s adding up aloud how much her items will cost.)

    Mom: $57…$64…”

    Child #1: “Uh-oh, mommy! Daddy said your limit was 50 dollars! That is more than 50 dollars!”

    Child #2: “Yeah, daddy said you can’t spend any more than $50!”

    Mom: “Well, you know what?! Since daddy gets to go to work everyday and I’m stuck with you two, I can spend however much I want! So you can tell daddy that he can kiss mommy’s fat a**! How about that?!”

    Child #2: *giggles* “I can’t wait to tell daddy that! You’re so funny, mommy!”

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