Honoring The Memory Of Purchases Gone By

| Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

(It was the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

Customer: “What if I lose them?”

Me: “We can give you store credit.”

Customer: “Oh no, that won’t do…”

Me: “Well…just hold onto your receipt.”

Customer: “…can I have 5 receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

Me: “…”

(The woman leaves with her 5 receipts.)

Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

Wired For The Stone Age

, | San Luis Obispo, CA, USA | Top

(I walk up to an older man playing with an iPhone in our electronics store.)

Me: “Hello sir, do you need any help?”

Customer: “Naw, but I was wondering…why does this darn thing work with my finger, but not my fingernails?”

Me: “Well, your body has electricity running through it, but your fingernails don’t conduct–”

Customer: “Electricity in my body? My body?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We all have electricity running through our bodies.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! D*** technology! We didn’t have that s*** prancin’ around our bodies in back in my day!”

Me: “Sir, we’ve always–”

Customer: “Forget it! What’s the d*** world coming to?” *walks away mumbling*

Never-Fail Conversation Starters

| Brisbane, Australia | Uncategorized

Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “Um…I’m 17.”

Customer: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Customer: “No, no! You’re 4.6 billion years old! You’re older than me, and you’re older than your parents. Jesus is inside you!”

Me: “Er…can I help you with anything else?”

Customer: “Oh, can I borrow a pen?”

I’m Too Sexy For My Kitchen

| Hurst, TX, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer brings me the bowl from a salad spinner set.)

Customer: “How much is this hat?”

Me: “Ma’am, that goes to a salad set. It’s not a hat.”

(She doesn’t understand, so I tell her I’ll find the price. I come back with the whole set.)

Me: “You see ma’am, this is used to dry salad after you wash it. You turn the handle and–”

Customer: “I only want the hat, not the box and the hat!” *walks off*

I Find Your Lack Of T-shirts Disturbing

| San Diego, CA, USA | Geeks Rule, Top

(Note: I’m selling t-shirts at Comic Con in San Diego. Two men are dressed as Star Wars characters come to my booth.)

Jedi #1: “Man, these shirts are all great. I don’t know how I’ll pick.”

Coworker: “Well, they are two for $35, so you can get any two you like.”

Jedi #2: “Is there any deal for three?”

Coworker: “Nope, just by twos.”

(Suddenly, the second Jedi activates his light-up light saber and speaks in an angry, menacing tone.)

Jedi #2: “How about now?!”

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