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    Walk Loudly And Carry A Sharp Stick

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (A couple comes up to me looking for something to help against attacking cougars. I recommend bear spray, a high-power pepper spray to repel predators.)

    Customer: “Nah, we don’t need bear spray. Sometimes that stuff just pisses them off, y’know?”

    Me: “Well, in some rare cases–”

    Customer: “Hey what are those?” *points at 18″ machetes*

    Me: “Those are machetes.”

    Customer: “That’s perfect! That’s just what we ened. If there’s a cougar we don’t need no Bear Spray! We’ll just fight ‘em off with this!”

    Me: “Okay…you sure you wouldn’t like some bear spray, too? Just as a first option?”

    Customer: “Nah, sometimes that just pisses them off!”

    Crimes Of (Extremely Long) Premeditation

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    Me: “That’ll be $23.44, ma’am.”

    Customer: *stares off into space*

    Me: “…Ma’am?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “How would you like to pay for this?”

    Customer: “Oh right, I guess I have to give you money…”

    Me: “I’d appreciate it.”

    Customer: “…or, I could always steal it.”

    (At first I think she’s kidding; but, after a long pause, I realize she is actually contemplating this.)

    Me: “I’d go with the former, ma’am.”

    What You [Don’t] See Is What You Get

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me find invisible wire?”

    Me: “Oh, fish wire?”

    Customer: “Yes, invisible wire.”

    Me: “Yup, that’s right over here.”

    (I take the customer over, pull one off the hook and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Is this a joke?!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “This isn’t invisible wire! I can see it!”

    Och, A Communal Kilt

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.)

    Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.”

    Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?”

    Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.'”

    Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!”

    Taster’s Choice

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (I was a customer at a store that engraves plaques, trophies, etc. and I witnessed this exchange.)

    Employee: *to another customer* “Hello, can I help you find anything?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a specific plaque design.”

    Employee: “All right, what kind of design are you looking for?”

    Customer: “Uh…I don’t really remember what it looked like. But it tasted really bad.”

    Employee: “…let’s just look over here, shall we?”

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