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    Label Whores

    , | Winchester, VA, USA |

    Customer: “I saw in your flier that y’all sell Swarovski crystal beads. ¬†Where would I find those?”

    Me: “In the beading aisle, ma’am. It’s the third up from the back, and the beads should be at the end nearest the wall.”

    Customer: “I already looked there! There aren’t any!”

    Me: ¬†”Oh, here they are, right here.”

    Customer: “Wait… are you sure?¬†Those don’t say Swarovski on them.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, they do, right here.”

    Customer: “Show me the ones that say Swarovski on them!”

    Me: “These ones right here, ma’am.”

    Customer: ¬†”No, no, no! The ones that SAY ‘Swarovski’ ON THEM!¬†Not on the cardboard!”

    Me: Wait… you want them to say Swarovski on the bead itself?”

    Customer: “Yes, of course!”

    Me: “Ma’am, these beads are tiny. There wouldn’t be room to write ‘Swarovski’ on them even if they wanted to or could. ”

    Customer: “Well, then why bother?”

    So Much For A Discount

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, is there anything I can help you find today?”

    Male Customer: “Well, yeah, I’m trying to get something for my wife. It’s her birthday.”

    (He finally decides on a sweater.)

    Me: “Okay, now what size would you say your wife is?”

    Male Customer: “Um, well, she’s kind of small… maybe about your size. What size are you?”

    Me: “Well, I’m a small, so if she’s a similar height and build–”

    Male Customer: “She’s about the same size, I guess… except thinner and with bigger boobs.”

    Me: “…”

    If That Doesn’t Work, Try Hogwarts

    , | Manchester, UK |

    Customer: “Oi you! I need a coat and it’s not here!”

    Me: “Certainly miss, do you have the catalogue number?”

    Customer: “No! I’ve told you it’s not here!”

    Me: “Okay, describe it.”

    Customer: “I want one that will keep me dry and warm in winter, but cool in summer.”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock magic coats.”

    Customer: “Well, where could I f***ing find one like it?!”

    Me: “… Narnia?”

    How Nicknames Are Born, Part 2

    | Berkshire County, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hey, can you tell me where the rope is? I’ve been looking all over for it, but can’t seem to find it.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah it’s just over this way.”

    (I lead him to the hardware aisle, and halfway down there’s a big sign that says “Ropes” with a picture of a rope on it.)

    Me: “Right down there.¬†There’s actually a sign there that says ‘Ropes’.”

    Customer: “You’re f***ing douche bag, you know that?!”

    Me: *laughs, thinking he’s joking*

    Customer: “That was intentional, and I WILL talk to your manager!”

    Me: “I apologize–”

    Customer: “Anytime you wanna come to my house, you just lemme know, Dingleballs!”

    (And from that day forward, my nickname at work was “Dingleballs”.)

    Related:
    How Nicknames Are Born

    So That’s What Those Other Buttons Are For

    | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help?”

    Caller: “Is there a Kristie there?”

    Me: “We have a Kristie, but is she an older woman or younger woman?”

    Caller: “Older. She’s like a manager.”

    Me: “Oh… well, then you need to call the Newport Beach store. She’s at that one.”

    Caller: “Oh! Okay, what’s their number?”

    Me: *gives number*

    Caller: “Okay… now, can you transfer me?”

    Me: “Um… no, we don’t do that. We’re not a call center.”

    Caller: “Okay, so how do I call them?”

    Me: “… You dial the number I just gave you.”

    Caller: “But how do I do that?”

    Me: “You dial 1, then the numbers I gave you.”

    Caller: “Is that it?”

    Me: “Can I ask how you dialed this store?”

    Caller: “I dialed 411!”

    Me: “Have you been 411-ing your entire life with the phone?”

    Caller: “Of course. How else do you dial other people?!”

    Me: “Uhh… well, then you’re all set. Thanks and have a good day.”

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