November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

H2Slow, Part 2

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Uncategorized

(I’m watering plants in my aisle when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Are these real?”

Me: “Yes they are.” * continues pouring water*

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “I’m watering them, miss.”

Customer: “Doesn’t mean they’re real.”


When Non-Stick Causes Friction

| New York, NY, USA | Home Improvement, Uncategorized

(A customer approaches me with a pan from one of our non-stick cookware sets.)

Customer: “I need some pots and pans for our new house. However, I’ve heard this Teflon coating can release toxic chemicals into your food.”

Me: “Actually, our vendors did away with Teflon years ago and now use a new, much safer variety of non-stick. What you’re holding in fact would really only present a problem if you were to deliberately damage the cooking surface, say by going at it with a hammer and chisel.”

Customer: “Oh, well I’ll take two sets then.”

(Several days pass, and the customer comes back and dumps everything he’s bought on my counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I know this isn’t really your fault, but I tried using these and the food tastes really funny–like there are still chemicals being leaked into it. I think you’ve been told some dirty lies by your vendors.”

(I take several of the pans out, and find they all have now have either a small ‘D’ or ‘M’ burned into their cooking surface.)

Me: “What happened to these?”

Customer: “Nothing, my family is insistent that we only use one set of pans dairy and the other set for meat so I made sure to label which were which.”

Me: “Didn’t you hear what I said about damaging the cooking surface?”

Customer: “You said that would only be dangerous if I used a hammer and chisel. So I took them to my jewelery store and did it with a laser engraver instead.”

No Signs Of Old Age

| Lansdale, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

(An older customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Hi, the woman up front rang me up wrong. This shirt is supposed to be $17.99.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m the one that put up the signs. I assure you they’re correct. Why don’t I go double check it for you?”

(I check the signs.)

Me: “I checked the signs, and they’re correct. The shirts on the rack are $26.99, but the capris on the rack are $17.99.”

Customer: “But I read $17.99! The sign was right above the shirts!”

Me: “Yes, but there’s only so many spots for signs on a rack. The sign says ‘Capris’ right underneath the price. There’s also a sign for the shirts on the same rack.”

Customer: “Well you should talk to your manager, because old people can’t read!”

Store Of The D***ed

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Religion, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, how can help you today?”

Customer: “Are you a lesbian!?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’ve got real short hair. I heard that women with short hair are lesbians.”

Me: “So, was there anything I could help you with?”

Customer: “You can answer my question! Are you a lesbian or not?!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to answer that.”

Customer: “I don’t want some hell-bound homosexual near me! God will strike you down for disobeying his word!”

Me: “Okay, okay. If you really must know, no I am not a lesbian.”

Customer: “Then why do you have short hair??”

(By this time, my manager, who is male-to-female transgender, walks over.)

Manager: *in their manly voice* “Is there a problem here, sir?”

Customer: “Oh dear lord! You’re not a woman!”

Manager: “Only on paper, sir.

Customer: *runs out screaming* “This place is d***ed! D***ed I tell you!”

Humor Is Generational

| San Jose, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Uncategorized

(A customer of about 85 years old approaches customer service. It is Father’s Day.)

Customer: “Where do you keep your belts?”

Me: “Over in the men’s department.”

Customer: “And where do you keep your grooming sets?”

Me: “In the men’s department as well.”

Customer: “Oh thanks! I’m buying a Father’s day present for my Dad and Grandfather!”

(I tell him he’s welcome and turn back to what I was doing. I noticed a few seconds later he’s still there.)

Me: “Is there something else I can help you with?”

Customer: *grinning widely* “Do you believe me?!”