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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    What Happens When You Assume

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I worked at a shop that did passport photos. There was a fifteen minute wait on the pictures, so people normally just left and came back…)

    Me: “That’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.”

    Customer: “I’ll come back. Do you need my name?”

    Me: “No, I don’t need it.”

    Customer: “You little snot. It’s ’cause there’s a black man in here!”

    Me: “Sir, I am not racist. ”

    Customer: “Oh, sure you’re not, you racist snot.”

    Me: “Sir, I have your picture. That’s why I do not need your name.”

    (The customer walked out and I never saw him again.)

    How To Lose Your Marbles In Style

    , | Florida, USA | Top

    (Our store used to have a completely gutted 1957 Chevy truck as a center piece. It was part of the store’s trademark. Walking down the store past the truck, I am stopped by an old man.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Old Man: “Young lady, how much are you selling this truck for?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, the truck isn’t for sale. It’s owned by [company].”

    Old Man: “I’ll give you 100 dollars for it.”

    Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. I apologize.”

    Old Man: “All right…I’ll give you two hundred!”

    Me: “Sir, the truck is not for sale. And even if it was, it would be for a LOT more than 200 dollars.”

    Old Man: “Yes, I suppose you’re right… SAY! SOMEONE STEALING, LOOK!” *points behind me*

    (As I turn to look behind me, the man climbs the crates next to the truck, opens the driver’s seat door and gets behind the wheel.)

    Old Man: “WHOOOOOOOOO-HAW! CAN’T CATCH ME NOW, CAN YOU!” *swings steering wheel around and starts to make gun noises* “PEW PEW! PEWW PEW!”

    (Mall Security ended up being called, after the old man was “trying” to run us over. I wish I was joking.)

    Now That’s What I Call Love

    | Canada |

    Caller: “Yeah, I bought this tattoo kit from you guys the other day, and there’s stuff missing from it.”

    Me: “Stuff missing? Like what?”

    Caller: “Well, for starters, there’s no book with it… and I don’t know how to assemble it.”

    Me: “Book? What book? We don’t have books. We just sell tattoo inks, needles, machines… and assembly? Is there something not assembled in your kit?”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s all in pieces… it’s a piece of crap!”

    Me: “Pieces? Did it get damaged during shipment to you?”

    Caller: “No, it’s just a bunch of pieces. There’s a power supply, foot pedal, a couple of tattoo machines… but I gotta put it together myself. That’s bulls***! I don’t know what I’m doing! You guys should have assembled everything for me before shipping.”

    Me: “You want us to assemble your tattoo shop for you? Wait a sec… did you say you don’t know what you’re doing?”

    Caller: “That’s right. I’ve never tattooed before. That’s why I thought there’d be a book with the kit.”

    Me: “You mean like, step one, put a picture on the skin, step 2 dip the needle in ink, step 3 tattoo the ink into the skin?”

    Caller: “Yeah, that’s it! Why didn’t you guys give me that kinda book when I bought the kit!?”

    Me: “So how are you expecting to learn to tattoo? Are you not doing a tattoo apprenticeship at a real tattoo shop, where they teach you to do this sort of thing?”

    Caller: “Nah… I just figured I’d start off tattooing my wife until I can figure it out…”

    No, Thank YOU!

    | Alberta, Canada |

    Customer: “You have shoe with knife on bottom?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “Shoe with knife on bottom!”

    Me: “Do you mean ice skates?”

    Customer: “Yes, skate!”

    Me: “Yes, we do sell ice skates.”

    Customer: “NO! You have skate?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “So you have shoe with knife on bottom?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Me: “You’re welcome–”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Me: “You’re wel–”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    *click*

    Yes, It’s For My Longmower

    , | Chesapeake, VA, USA |

    Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is Karen.”

    (The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

    Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48 inch dick.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I mean DECK!!”

    (It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)

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