Pants-Fulfilling Prophecy

| Salisbury, MD, USA | Uncategorized

(A coworker of mine is looking through racks of clothes, trying to find where a shirt goes. A customer and her friend approaches her as she’s doing this.)

Customer: “Why the h*** are you following us?”

Coworker: “Um…sorry?”

Customer: “You don’t have to follow us around the whole store. I’m not going to steal some cheap $5 shirt.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to figure out where this shirt goes.”

Customer: “Shouldn’t you know where it goes? You do work here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, ma’am, they change the layout every few days.”

Customer: “I should sue you for discrimination!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, if I thought you were going to steal from us, the manager would be following you, not me.”

Customer: “Whatever! We’re leaving!”

(As the customer turns away, my coworker notices a tag sticking out from the pants of the woman who was with the angry customer.)

Coworker: “Tell your friend that she can pay for that shirt she’s trying to steal at the front of the store.”

Customer’s friend: “S**T!”

(The customer and her friend both bolt from the store, dropping the shirt in the process.)

Uncouth Bluetooth

| Lexington, KY, USA | Uncategorized

(A cellphone customer walks up to my counter with a suspicious look on her face.)

Customer: “Listen…you’ve got to help me! It’s my neighbors, they’re spying on me!”

Me: “I’ll be glad to assist you in any way I can, ma’am. Is this related to your cell phone in some way…?”

Customer: “Yes! They’re spying on me in my shower, with… bluetooths! And the camera on my phone!”

(I glance at her phone, noting that it is neither bluetooth-capable or a camera phone.)

Me: “Well, your phone lacks both of those capabilities, so I don’t think you need to worry.”

Customer: “BUT THEY ARE! THEY STOLE THE PICTURES FROM MY PHONE AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET!”

Me: “Have you tried calling the police about this?”

Customer: “You’re in on it, too, aren’t you?!” *grabs her things and scurries off*

Extramarital Appliances

| Freehold, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Could you show me how to use my phone?”

Me: “Um…sure. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well, I’ve been told these new phones come with voice control features. Is that true?”

Me: “Yes sir, just hold the home button to activate the voice control feature.”

Customer: “That’s it? That’s so easy!” *customer picks up the phone* “Call…my wife.”

(Nothing happens.)

Customer: “Why isn’t it calling my wife?”

Me: “Do you have her listed in your phone book as your wife?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Yeah. I’m pretty sure the phone isn’t going to know who you’re married to.”

Cash For Baby Bumpers

| Sterling, VA, USA | Uncategorized

(I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)

Me: “Stop that!”

(I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)

Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”

Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken 2 bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”

Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”

Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”

Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”

Sloth Goes Shopping

| Jeffersonville, IN, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store], how can I direct your call?”

Caller:: “Are you in the store?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller:: “Good. Me too.”

Me: “Sir, what can I help you with?”

Caller:: “I need to know where [item] is. I didn’t want to walk around the store to look.”

Me: “It is in aisle 5, sir.”

Caller:: “You aren’t going to come and show me? You guys are lazy!” *click*

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