Yes To Dismember, No To His Member

| Leeds, UK | Uncategorized

(A customer comes to the counter with his son with a Grand Theft Auto game.)

Me: “Sir, you are aware this is an 18 rated game?”

Customer: “Yes, I am aware of that.”

Me: “It contains sex.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Violence.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Bad Language.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Drug Usage.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Full frontal male nudity.”

Customer: “He’s bloody well not having this!”

(The customer hands the game over to me and walks out.)

(Bra)ce Yourself

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Uncategorized

(A very elderly female customer walks up to the register and hands over an empty hanger.)

Me: “Excuse me ma’am, but what exactly was on this empty hanger?”

Customer: “This!” *very elderly customer lifts up shirt to reveal bra*

Me: “Oh…oh God.”

If You Can’t Bear Them, Join Them

| Coral Springs, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I like that little teddy bear with the sweater. How much is it?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the teddy bear comes with this gift set of fragrance and body wash. It’s $30.”

Customer: “No. Just the bear.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I have no way to just ring up the bear as it comes with the gift set only.”

Customer: “Then how do I get the bear?”

Me: “Well, you would have to buy this gift set. It’s a very popular and only $30.”

Customer: “No, thank you. I’ll just take the bear today. How much?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have a good deal for the holidays. I can sell you the bear, for only $30, and not only that, but I will throw in this fragrance gift set, just for you.”

Customer: “Thank you so very much, dear!”

A Very Electric Blender

| New Brunswick, IN, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like to sell this.” *hands me a blender*

Me: “Okay, let’s take a look. Does it work?”

Customer: “Yep, it works great.”

(I proceed to test the blender. I plug it in and a huge spark jumps from the plug and the fuse blows. I unplug the blender and pick it up to try it in another plug. I notice a puddle under the blender.)

Me: “Where is this water coming from?”

Customer: “Oh…well, I put it through the dishwasher. Maybe it wasn’t completely dry yet.”

Me: “Putting the blender jar into the dishwasher shouldn’t make that much of a mess.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I put the whole thing in the dishwasher. I wanted the base to be clean, too.”

Please, Take A Cut Of My Cheese

, | Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: *completely stoned* “Hey, what’s your cheapest thing in the store?”

Me: “That’d probably be these miniature whoopee cushions. They’re a dollar apiece. There are three on the shelf behind you.”

Customer: “I’ll take all of them!”

(As I’m finishing the transaction, a well-dressed mother comes in with a young boy in tow.)

Customer: “Hey guys! Look what I just got!” *shows them the whoopee cushions*

Mother: *obviously uncomfortable* “Um…that’s very…nice, I guess?”

Customer: “Do you want one?”

Mother: “Oh no, no thank you, we were just–”

Customer: “C’mon, I have three of them! What do I need three for?”

(He shoves a whoopee cushion into the mother’s hands and wanders off happily.)

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