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    Sticky First Dates

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for your rubber semen.”

    Me: “Excuse me?!”

    Customer: “You heard right! I need rubber semen.”

    Me: “Um…I’m not entirely sure we carry that here.”

    Customer: “Well, if you have it, it would be over by the glue.”

    Me: “Oh! You meant rubber cement!”

    Customer: “What did you think I meant?”

    Me: “…Semen.”

    Customer: “Oh, no… we wouldn’t be talking about that until we’ve gone out a couple times.”

    Customer V2.0: Now With New & Improved Telepathy

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (The store I work in closes at 10:00 PM. It’s 11:30 pm and I’ve finished closing up shop, so I am about to leave. A customer comes up to the door.)

    Customer: “Hey are you open?”

    Me: “No, we’re closed.”

    Customer: “Okay, but you ARE open, right?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we aren’t.”

    Customer: “But I want to buy something.”

    Me: “Sorry, you’ll have to buy it tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Fine! You f*%$ing scumbag!”

    Me: *thinking: what a b****!*

    Customer: “I HEARD THAT!”

    The Right Place At The Wrong Time

    | Olney, Maryland, USA |

    (This took place at the cigar store I work at.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need the biggest cigar you’ve got.”

    Me: “OK, our largest is 12 inches long, and the price is $27 before tax.”

    Customer: “Whoa! 27 bucks? You got anything cheaper?”

    Me: “Well, yes. Is this going to be a gag gift?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “You know, a joke present for someone?”

    Customer: “Oh h*** no! I’m just gonna split it and fill it with this.”

    (The customer pulls a plastic bag full of marijuana out of his pocket.)

    Customer #2: “Wow, that’s some fine-lookin’ weed you got there!”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just bought it.”

    (Customer #2 pulls out his badge and identifies himself as a county police officer.)

    Customer: “Am I in trouble?”

    Customer #2: “Yes you are.”

    Introducing The iKa-Chunk

    | New Zealand |

    (A very elderly customer approaches me at my mobile phone kiosk.)

    Customer: “Oh, these looks nice. What are you selling?”

    Me: “Mobile phones, ma’am. They’ll allow you to keep in touch with people, wherever you are.”

    Customer: “Oh, this one looks lovely, nice, and slim! *unfolds it and holds it to her ear* “What’s this one called?”

    Me: “That one is called a stapler, ma’am.”

    The Oracle At Register Five

    | Kansas, USA |

    (I’m helping out a backup cashier as he checks a customer out.)

    Me: “Corn is 4078.”

    Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What are the melons?”

    Me: “4050.”

    Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What’s watermelon?”

    Me: “4032.”

    Customer: “What’s the winning lottery numbers?”

    Me: “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be working here!”

    Customer: “It was worth a shot.”

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