Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
    (3,020 thumbs up)
  • It’s A Low Maintenance Affair

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: “Happy Holidays! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Well, I need two gifts.”

    Me: “Okay, who are you shopping for and what did you have in mind?”

    Customer: “I need one for my wife, and one for my girlfriend. I got them the same thing last year, so we can just do that again.”

    It’s A Miracle She’s Still On The Ground…

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    (A very angry customer storms up to the counter at the party shop I was working at.)

    Customer: “These balloons are no good! I spent all afternoon blowing them up, and none of them will float!”

    Me: “What did you fill them with?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I just blew them up, and none of them will float.”

    Me: “Did you fill them with air or helium?”

    Customer: “Air.”

    Me: “They won’t float unless you use a helium tank.”

    Customer: “NO! Look, it says on the packet, ‘Helium Balloons’.”

    Me: “…”

    There’s Such A Thing As Being Too Into Crafts

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (This took place at a large craft store. This particular day I was stocking the shelves when a lady came up and asked me for help.)

    Customer: “My daughter only has a few months left to live, and she is going to be cremated. I was wondering if you had anything that I could use to make her ashes into a tiara?”

    Me: “…make her…ashes into a tiara?”

    Customer: “Yes. She was a beauty queen, and I’d like to make her ashes into a tiara. Do you have some modeling clay or something I can use?”

    Me: “Oh, do you mean you want to make an urn in the shape of a tiara to hold the ashes?”

    Customer: “No, I want the ashes molded into the shape of a tiara.”

    (I am silent for a moment. The lady stands expectantly, and finally I answer.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I cannot help you. There is no one in this store who can help you. I suggest you go and get help somewhere else.”

    The Devil Is Definitely In The Details

    | Decatur, AL, USA |

    Customer: “Where do y’all keep your pedophiles?”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Customer: “You know, PED-IH-FILES!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “Yeah, the pedophiles! They show it on TV… it’s where people trim their dog’s feet!”

    Me: “Oh, Pedi-PAWS. Right this way…”

    What Would Jesus Itemize?

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    (A customer is shopping for his church and his home in the same trip. He splits up the orders while talking with his wife. As I’m finishing the church order, running the credit card and having the gentleman sign, the wife notices an error was made.)

    Wife: “Honey, you put the condoms on the church bill!”

    Husband: “… we’ll scratch it off?”

    Me: “Oh my.”

    Wife: “Oh Jesus is going to hate us now! You can’t put condoms on the church bill, that’s like putting beer on the church account!”

    (She continues to flip out, while I’m refunding the transaction and voiding off the condoms. The next customer in line is staring at the whole exchange.)

    Next customer: “How in the h*** do you people stay sane?!”

    Page 332/425First...330331332333334...Last