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    Diagnostic Scan Results: Crisp & Buttery

    , | North Somerset, UK |

    (A customer walks in and places a box on the desk in our repairs center.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Can you fix this for me?”

    Me: *looking at box* “This is a toaster.”

    Customer: “Yes. Can you fix it? It’s broken.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we only fix computers and computer peripherals here.”

    Customer: “But if you can fix computers, surely you can fix a toaster!”

    Me: “We don’t fix toasters, sir.”

    Customer: “Please? I’m sure it’s easy.”

    Me: “Even if we could fix it for you, you don’t have a repair warantee with us, so it would cost you ¬£50 just for us to look at it. You could buy two new toasters for that.”

    Customer: “¬£50?! What a rip-off! If it’s going to cost me that much, I’ll go elsewhere!”

    Me: “Have you tried the store you bought it from?”

    Customer: “Yes, and they wouldn’t fix it!”

    Me: “So you thought a computer store would?”

    Customer: *takes the toaster and walks out in a huff*

    Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor

    , | New York, NY, USA |

    (I’m a painfully shy 13-year-old, and a customer somehow mistook me for an employee.)

    Customer: “Can you help me find something?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “NO?!”

    Me: “No!”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “… I’m not allowed to talk to strangers.”

    Secret Agent Man Loses It

    , | Elk Grove, CA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, thank you for calling ***. This is *** speaking. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what kind of GPS tracers you have.”

    Me: “Certainly, sir. We have the Zoombak system here for–”

    Customer: “No no no, I need something smaller!”

    Me: “…smaller? What are you looking for exactly, sir?”

    Customer: “I want to get a GPS that I can slip onto someone’s person so I can follow them around closely! I think my wife’s having an affair.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t sell anything like that here.”

    Customer: “But you sell GPS’s!”

    Me: “The receivers, sir.”

    Customer: “And the transmitters?”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Customer: “The transmitters for your receivers!”

    Me: “No, sir. Not that kind of receiver. We only have the kind that tells you where you are.”

    Customer: “So you have nothing I can use to track people? Why not?”

    Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

    Customer: “What about those things for tracking kids, or the things the POLICE use?”

    Me: “The police have special forms for use, and special power to enact them. And the ones for kids are special-case as well, as the child is under 18, so consent isn’t need–”

    Customer: “Well then, I wanna follow my son around!”

    Me: “You just said ‘wife’. And we don’t have them.”

    Customer: “Oh. What about tasers?”

    Me: “We don’t sell weapons.”

    Customer: “You don’t sell a lot of things, do you? What about audio bugs?”

    Me: “Sir, it seems you want the spy shop. I can give you their number–”

    Customer: “Oh, I know all about them! I’ve had COVERT training, pal! I just thought you might appreciate my covert business. I guess I gotta go take my ELITE COVERTNESS over to the spy shop, then. Jerk.” *hangs up*

    Coworker: *listening in*“You sure that wasn’t a radio station screwing with you?”

    Under The N-Sea-17

    | Silver Spring, MD, USA |

    Me: “Hello ma’am. Welcome to ****. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hello, I’d like to know which is the best animated pornographic movie you have.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “It’s for my husband. I’d like to buy him one for his birthday.”

    Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell those.”

    Customer: *exasperated* “Yes you DO.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t.”

    Customer: “YES YOU DO. I just SAW them. I’ll go get it!”

    (A few minutes later she returns, waving “The Little Mermaid” in my face.)

    Customer: “See? SEE?”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, that’s a Disney movie. It’s aimed at little kids.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Disney is well-known for their children’s movies.”

    Customer: “You mean you show PORN TO LITTLE KIDS?! CHILD ABUSER! CHILD ABUSER! YOU ARE SCARRING OUR CHILDREN FOR LIFE! YOU B****!”

    (She angrily walks out of the store, throwing the movie on the ground.)

    Air Mattress 2: The Secret Of The Ooze

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I bought this air mattress here a few weeks ago. It was a good deal, but something’s not right.”

    Me: “Does it have a leak, perhaps? That’s a fairly common problem.”

    Customer: “No no, nothing like that. It holds the air fine.”

    Me: “All right – what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s mutating. It just keeps growing on its own.”

    (I look at the mattress, which fits perfectly fine in its box.)

    Me: “Growing?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s alive! The sheets don’t fit it anymore, and it won’t stop expanding. I was sold a mutating mattress!”

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