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    Best Oosik To What You Know

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, what is this?”

    Me: “That’s an ‘oosik’.”

    Customer: “What’s it made of?”

    Me: “It’s umm.. the lower anatomy of a walrus.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “It’s a part of a male walrus.”

    Customer: “What part?”

    Me: “It’s a petrified walrus penis.”

    (The customer laughs and runs over to his wife. They talk in their language for a bit then he drags her over by the arm, still giggling.)

    Customer: “Tell her what it is!”

    Not Exactly Gifted

    | Culver City, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money, Uncategorized

    (Customer has been hovering around my register for the past few minutes.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something, sir?”

    Customer: “Do these gift cards have expiration dates?”

    Me: “Nope, they’ll last until you feel like spending them.”

    Customer: “Oh. Uh, where can I find the restroom?”

    (As soon as I turn around and point to the bathroom, he grabs a rack of gift cards and sprints for the door, trailing cards behind him.)

    Me: *yelling after him* “Sir, those don’t have anything on them until you purchase them.”

    (He stops at the door for a moment, then sheepishly returns and puts the rack back.)

    Customer: “Why don’t you guys have a freaking sign out saying they’re empty?!”

    Wifi Works Best With A Mouse

    | Newark, NJ, USA | Pets & Animals, Technology, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi, I’m interested in this ‘wifi’ you’ve got. I want it in my house.”

    Me: “Do you have a cable or DSL connection?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Do you have a device hooked up to a phone line or cable line that gives you internet?”

    Customer: “Yes, I do. Can you bring me a wifi?”

    Me: “Sure miss, we’ve got our routers all over in this area.”

    Customer: “Routers? Won’t that scare the wifi away?”

    Talking Shirty

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hey, I need you to help me pick out something to wear.”

    Me: “Alright. Any special occasion?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got a date on Saturday. I’m taking my girl to [local amusement park].”

    Me: “Alright, so you’ll probably need shorts and a nice shirt. How about this?”

    Customer: “No, nicer than that.”

    Me: “It’s supposed to be really hot this weekend, so you’d need a shirt with a thin fabric. This is a very well-made shirt.”

    Customer: “If you say so, but I better get laid or I’ll be back Sunday and file a complaint.”

    (A female coworker walks past and the customer starts talking to her.)

    Customer: “Hey, would you sleep with me if I wore this?”

    Female coworker: “…”

    Can’t Take The Heat Of A Melting Pot

    | Trois-Rivières, QC, Canada | Canada, Language & Words, Top, Uncategorized

    Coworker: “Hello, sir. Are you looking for something?”

    Customer: “I refuse to be helped by you. You’re Chinese. You’re another one of these darn immigrants stealing the honest Canadians’ jobs!”

    Coworker: “Well, my grandmother is from Japan, but I assure you I was born in the province of Quebec.”

    Customer: “Lies, lies, and lies!” *spots me* “Finally, a prime example of our good Canadian youth. Young sir, can you help me, please?”

    Me: *in my New Brunswick accent* “Sure I can. What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “What kind of accent is this? Are you German? Or Russian? Get me the manager! I don’t understand how a sane person could hire these instead of a hard working Canadian!”

    Me: *grabbing the phone* “Calling Maria to front desk.”

    Customer: “Maria!? That’s Latino!”