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    Meet Satan Clause, Santa’s Maladjusted Brother

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer walked in about 30 minutes before we closed on Christmas Eve. We were closing early due to the holiday. Every customer that night was buying last minute gifts.)

    Me: “Hello, what can I help you find?”

    Customer: “A converter Box.”

    Me: “Sure, let me show you what we have.”

    Customer: “What’s this $40 off crap?”

    Me: “If you go to DTV.gov, you can get a coupon for $40 off.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s some mail in rebate scam. Nevermind…”

    Me: “Ok, shall I ring this up for you?”

    Customer: “You seem to be in a bit of a hurry, what’s the rush?”

    Me: “It’s Christmas Eve, and we close in 15 minutes. I want to get the store ready to close so I can leave as soon as possible.”

    Customer: “You’re closing early for what?”

    Me: “Christmas Eve.”

    Customer: “Wow, they give you guys time off for anything these days!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Manager: *facepalm

    Another customer: *bursts out laughing*

    Customer: “What!? Ugh, fine! I’ll take the box!”

    Perspiring & Persistent

    | Toronto, Canada |

    Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is ***, *** speaking, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a present for my girlfriend. She plays soccer a lot, and I was wondering if you carry Febreeze for her soccer shoes.”

    Me: “Uh, yes sure we do.” *start to list varieties*

    Customer: “That’s good. I really hope she likes it. Would you like it?”

    Me: “Well, it depends on your girlfriend, sir. I may not enjoy the gift, but if you said that she needs it for her soccer shoes then she probably will.”

    Customer: “She says she sweats a lot.”

    Me: “Oh, well, soccer is a very physical game.”

    Customer: “Do YOU sweat a lot?”

    Me: “…um, no, not particularly.”

    Customer: “So you would not like this gift.”

    Me: “No sir, but I’m not your girlfriend.”

    Customer: “Would you like to be?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    DIY Sales

    , | New York City, NY, USA |

    (A woman comes up to the counter where I am manning the register. She has her teenaged daughter in tow.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we’re just going to get this dress for my daughter. She’s going to her homecoming dance. She finally has a date. For a while we thought she was a lesbian, but then–”

    Customer’s daughter: “MOM! ”

    Me: “Right then. That’ll be $56.99.”

    Customer: “What?! That sign said it was 50% off!”

    Me: “Er, I don’t think so. Let me check the system… Sorry, ma’am, our system says it’s full price.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy! I saw it with my own eyes!” *walks off*

    (I wait on several more customers before the woman comes back, holding a sign that says 50% off, obviously handmade with a marker and a piece of paper.)

    Customer: “See? I told you so.”

    Me: “Ma’am, where did you get that sign?”

    Customer: “I just got it off the rack.”

    Me: “Ma’am, those signs are welded to the rack. It’s apparent you just made that.”

    Customer: “I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

    Me: “And we’ll sue you for trying to screw us over.”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom, just stop.”

    Customer: “We’re leaving!”

    Not A Planet You Want To Piss Off

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hi, did you find everything all right?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I brought in my old printer ink so I know which number to get.”

    Me: “A very good idea. And would you like to recycle your ink cartridge? You can receive money back if you’re a rewards customer.”

    Customer: “A what customer?”

    Me: “It’s a frequent shoppers program that lets you rack up purchases and receive money back on them. When you recycle an ink cartridge, you get $3.00.”

    Customer: “I don’t want no credit card.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s not a credit card, sir. And it’s completely free to sign up.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    Me: “All right, would you like to recycle it anyway? We do that here for free.”

    Customer: “Why would I recycle it?”

    Me: “Well, because it’s empty, and you can’t recycle them yourself. It’s better than just throwing it away.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “…because it’s good for the earth?”

    Customer: “What has Earth ever done for me?”

    Me: “Oxygen, sir?”

    Always Right, Even When They’re Not Your Customer

    | Madison, Wisconsin, USA |

    Caller: “I’m having a problem with this adapter. Can you help me out?”

    Me: “I can certainly try. Can you describe it for me?”

    Caller: “Well, it hooks up to a TV and it has these two things coming off of it… I don’t really know how to explain it.”

    Me: “Well… maybe you can tell me what it does? I can go and grab a box off of the shelf and take a look at it.”

    Caller: “I still have the package. Would it help if I read off the model number?”

    Me: “That would be great.”

    (The customer reads me a model number that is longer than anything I have ever seen in my department and it occurs to me…)

    Me: “Sir, I don’t recognize that number. Did you buy this adapter at our store?”

    Caller: “No, you guys didn’t have it so I went to Circuit City instead.”

    Me: “Sir, I cannot help you with an item we don’t sell.”

    Caller: “Well, THANKS a LOT!” *click*

    Related:
    Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor
    Always Right, Even When They Change Your God-Given Name

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