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    A Dollar In The Hand Is Worth Zero In The Wallet

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Your total is $10.27, ma’am.”

    Customer: *waves a piece of paper* “Is this a coupon?”

    Me: “Not exactly. If you put your email address on it, we’ll send it to corporate and they’ll send you store updates, which will also have a coupon in the first email you receive.”

    Customer: “Oh, great! Thanks!” *turns to leave*

    Me: “Ma’am, you still need to pay.”

    Customer: “I just did.”

    Me: “I don’t think so.”

    Customer: “No?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, you didn’t. Your total is $10.27.”

    Customer: “Well, now I know I paid! I remember you saying $10.27 before.”

    Me: “Yes, I did, but you didn’t pay me the last time I said it, either.”

    Customer: “So, you know what that means?” *reaches for her unpaid items*

    Me: *takes back her unpaid items* “…that you can’t have this until you pay for it?”

    Customer: “I’m never shopping here again!”

    Pants-Fulfilling Prophecy

    | Salisbury, MD, USA | Uncategorized

    (A coworker of mine is looking through racks of clothes, trying to find where a shirt goes. A customer and her friend approaches her as she’s doing this.)

    Customer: “Why the h*** are you following us?”

    Coworker: “Um…sorry?”

    Customer: “You don’t have to follow us around the whole store. I’m not going to steal some cheap $5 shirt.”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to figure out where this shirt goes.”

    Customer: “Shouldn’t you know where it goes? You do work here!”

    Coworker: “Sorry, ma’am, they change the layout every few days.”

    Customer: “I should sue you for discrimination!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, if I thought you were going to steal from us, the manager would be following you, not me.”

    Customer: “Whatever! We’re leaving!”

    (As the customer turns away, my coworker notices a tag sticking out from the pants of the woman who was with the angry customer.)

    Coworker: “Tell your friend that she can pay for that shirt she’s trying to steal at the front of the store.”

    Customer’s friend: “S**T!”

    (The customer and her friend both bolt from the store, dropping the shirt in the process.)

    Uncouth Bluetooth

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Uncategorized

    (A cellphone customer walks up to my counter with a suspicious look on her face.)

    Customer: “Listen…you’ve got to help me! It’s my neighbors, they’re spying on me!”

    Me: “I’ll be glad to assist you in any way I can, ma’am. Is this related to your cell phone in some way…?”

    Customer: “Yes! They’re spying on me in my shower, with… bluetooths! And the camera on my phone!”

    (I glance at her phone, noting that it is neither bluetooth-capable or a camera phone.)

    Me: “Well, your phone lacks both of those capabilities, so I don’t think you need to worry.”

    Customer: “BUT THEY ARE! THEY STOLE THE PICTURES FROM MY PHONE AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET!”

    Me: “Have you tried calling the police about this?”

    Customer: “You’re in on it, too, aren’t you?!” *grabs her things and scurries off*

    Extramarital Appliances

    | Freehold, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Could you show me how to use my phone?”

    Me: “Um…sure. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve been told these new phones come with voice control features. Is that true?”

    Me: “Yes sir, just hold the home button to activate the voice control feature.”

    Customer: “That’s it? That’s so easy!” *customer picks up the phone* “Call…my wife.”

    (Nothing happens.)

    Customer: “Why isn’t it calling my wife?”

    Me: “Do you have her listed in your phone book as your wife?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Yeah. I’m pretty sure the phone isn’t going to know who you’re married to.”

    Cash For Baby Bumpers

    | Sterling, VA, USA | Uncategorized

    (I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)

    Me: “Stop that!”

    (I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)

    Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken 2 bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”

    Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”

    Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”

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