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    Please Don’t Pet The Employees

    | Dublin, Ireland |

    Customer: “Wow! you look so much like that guy!”

    Me: “Um…what guy, ma’am?”

    Customer: “You know! That rocker guy with that daughter and son.”

    Me: “Do you mean Ozzy Osbourne?”

    Customer: “Yeah! That guy.” *pauses* “You have such a great skin!”

    (The customer begins to grab my face.)

    Me: *starts pulling away* “Uh…ma’am, can you please stop touching my face?”

    Customer: “Why? Come back!”

    Manager: *coming out of his office* “Ma’am, please leave my store and stop harassing my staff!”

    Customer: “But…why can’t I touch his face?”

    Manager: “Out!”

    Related:
    Please Don’t Titillate The Employees
    Please Don’t Feed The Customers

    License To Breed

    | Wales, UK |

    (A blond teen of about 16 or 17 was trying to buy alcohol. She was pushing a stroller with a baby in it.)

    Customer: “I just want to buy it, OK?”

    Me: “May I please see some ID?”

    Customer: “I have a baby here!” *points at child*

    Me: “Um…that child is not your ID.”

    Customer: “But I can clearly buy alcohol if I have a baby!”

    Me: “Of course…”

    Customer: “So you’re going to let me buy it?”

    Me: “I said I’m going to need to see some ID.”

    Customer: “God, keep your god**** beer!” *rushes out of store with stroller*

    Caution: Contents Are Highly Enjoyable

    | Lone Tree, CO, USA |

    (A woman called us on the phone after getting home with a video game she’d just purchased.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just bought a video game, and there’s plastic on it.”

    Me: “OK…”

    Customer: “What do I do? Do I take the plastic off?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am. You have to in order to get the game.”

    Customer: “But nothing will happen, right?”

    Me: “No. Nothing is going to happen.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

    Customer: “All right. I’ll call back if something happens.”

    (I never heard back. I hope nothing horrible happened.)

    Always Right, Even When Trafficking People

    , | Emeryville, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is **** speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, hi. I was just wondering how much your Mexicans are?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Your Mexicans. The ones you have outside in the parking lot. I need some work done on my roof and I wanted to come pick up a couple.”

    Me: “Ma’am…first of all, they are called day laborers. Secondly, they don’t belong to us. They don’t belong to anyone actually, they are people. Third, our city prohibits soliciting work in a shopping center, so we actually don’t have any workers in the parking lot. If you need work done–”

    Customer: “Never mind, I’ll just shop somewhere else!” *hangs up*

    Smile – You’re On Scam-Cam

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: Hi, welcome to ****. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. I want everything here discounted.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I left here maybe two minutes ago, max, to check the fitting rooms.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “In short, yes.”

    Customer: “Bull! Do you have any proof I wasn’t here earlier?!”

    (I point to the huge camera on the ceiling.)

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I’ll shut up now.”

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