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    Paint By Dumbers

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    (I work in the crafts department of a very large retail store. A customer walks over and hands me a small bottle of white craft paint.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this white paint?”

    Me: “…yes.”

    Customer: “Oh. How can you tell what color it is?”

    Me: “The bottle is see-through. The color you see on the bottle is the actual paint.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. I’m sorry. I’ve never done crafts before.”

    Me: “That’s fine, I understand.”

    Customer: “So, how do I use this? Is the brush inside the bottle?”

    Me: “No…you have to buy the brush separately.”

    Customer: “So it’s not in there?”

    Me: “No. Paint brushes are a lot bigger than that bottle.”

    (I show her where the paint brushes are and help her pick one out.)

    Customer: “So…I just, like…brush the paint on what I want to paint?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s the general idea.”

    And The Landfills Wept

    | Seattle, WA |

    Me: “Just this scarf for you today?”

    Customer: “Yes — and could you please cut the tag off? I’m planning to wear it straight out of the store.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (after transaction is completed…)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “Um, can I have a bag, please?”

    Me: “…Err…I thought you wanted to wear your scarf out of the store?”

    Customer: “Well, yes, but I still need a bag. Where else would I put my receipt?” *stuffs her large wallet into her purse*

    Superman Goes Shopping

    | Elmira, NY, USA |

    (In my store, it’s store policy to check credit cards for signatures; if they’re not signed, we must see ID.)

    Me: “May I see your card, please?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “Your card is not signed sir, and I have to check IDs if there’s no signature.”

    Customer: “I know it’s not signed, and it’s not going to be signed.”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir – I just have to check your ID then.”

    Customer: “Here.” *shows ID*

    Me: “Okay, thank you – sign the machine please.”

    Customer: “How do you know that’s me in the ID? He has glasses on and I don’t.”

    Me: “Sir, it looks like you.”

    Customer: “But I don’t have glasses on.”

    Me: “Okay then – I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”

    Customer: “Oh, well – it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”

    Customer: “What? It’s me!”

    Me: “I know…it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”

    As Easy As 1, 3, 2

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi. I ordered a movie awhile back and I was wondering if it’s in yet.”

    Me: *checking the order history* “Unfortunately is hasn’t arrived yet. We’re still waiting on the distributor to send it to us.”

    Customer: “Oh, well how long is it going to take? ¬†I’ve been waiting for three months.”

    Me: “Actually my records indicate that you ordered the movie in October.”

    Customer: “Exactly. October, September, November. Three months!”

    They Might Want A See A Doctor About That

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    Elderly Female Customer: “Hello I’m lookin for DVDs by Andre Rieu. Can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure… we have Andre just here on this end rack, then we have him in this stand as well. And we also have a huge section of him in our Easy Listening section, but if head that way, give me a yell and I’ll help you out.”

    Elderly Female Customer: “My, you have a lot of him, don’t you?”

    Me: “Yes, he’s rather popular at the moment. Are you going to his tour?”

    Elderly Female Customer: “Yes, I got my ticket first. Most of my friends like him as well. Well, except for two… but they don’t have souls.”

    Me: “…”

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