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    Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

    | Wichita, KS, USA | Top

    (I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

    Other customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

    (Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

    Little old lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

    Other customer: *storms off*

    (I hugged the lady and she is now a regular of mine.)

    A Man Of Two Words

    | Canada |

    Me: *ringing up a sale* “…and did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s too bad. Would you like some assistance finding those items?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay. What was it that you couldn’t find?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “…pardon?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So…did you not need any help today?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Then you have everything you need?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well then, have a wonderful day!”

    Customer: “No.” *takes bag and leaves*

    MSRP: My Suggested Retail Price

    | Wanganui, New Zealand | Top

    Customer: “Ooh, don’t you have lovely eyes? You’re like a little china doll!”

    Me: “Uh, thanks…is that like a porcelain doll?”

    Customer: “Yes! Yes! A porcelain doll! from Europe! Your skin is so pale, and your eyes are so big! Oh my, you do look just like a china doll! I bet you have so many different outfits! And a little house! And lots of hats!

    Coworker: *joking* “Actually, she’s a collector’s item. Very rare. A one-off, in fact.”

    Customer, to me: “LIFT UP YOUR HAIR!”

    Me: “Why?!”

    Customer: “I need to see your stamp of authenticity!”

    Honoring The Memory Of Purchases Gone By

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It was the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

    Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

    Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

    Customer: “What if I lose them?”

    Me: “We can give you store credit.”

    Customer: “Oh no, that won’t do…”

    Me: “Well…just hold onto your receipt.”

    Customer: “…can I have 5 receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

    Me: “…”

    (The woman leaves with her 5 receipts.)

    Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

    Wired For The Stone Age

    , | San Luis Obispo, CA, USA | Top

    (I walk up to an older man playing with an iPhone in our electronics store.)

    Me: “Hello sir, do you need any help?”

    Customer: “Naw, but I was wondering…why does this darn thing work with my finger, but not my fingernails?”

    Me: “Well, your body has electricity running through it, but your fingernails don’t conduct–”

    Customer: “Electricity in my body? My body?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We all have electricity running through our bodies.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! D*** technology! We didn’t have that s*** prancin’ around our bodies in back in my day!”

    Me: “Sir, we’ve always–”

    Customer: “Forget it! What’s the d*** world coming to?” *walks away mumbling*

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