Viva(cious), Las Vegas

, | Houston, TX, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)

Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “The one he made in ’85.”

Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”

Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”

(This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)

Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”

Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”

Me: “How did a dead man play it?”

Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”

Music To My Wax-Clogged Ears

, | Lewisville, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Good afternoon, [music store].”

Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for sheet music to a song called ‘Beautiful Star of Bethlehem’.”

Me: “I don’t think we have it in stock, but we might be able to order it for you. ”

Caller: “Can you deliver it to me?”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t offer that service. How about I give you a website to go to? You can probably order it from them and have it shipped to your home?”

Caller: “Okay, what’s the website?”

Me: “Sheetmusicplus.com.”

Caller: “Sheetmusic.com?”

Me: “No, Sheetmusicplus.com.”

Caller: “Oh, Sheetmusic.com?”

Me: “No, SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Sheetmusic.com.”

Me: “No. SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

Caller: “How do you spell that?”

Me: *I spell it out*

Caller: “P-O-U-S?”

Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

Caller: “Oh, P-O-U-S?”

Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

Me: “No. L as in Larry.”

Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

Caller: “How do you spell ‘com’?”

Me: “C-O-M.”

Caller: “C-L-N?”

Me: “No, C-O-M.”

Caller: “Okay, Sheetmusic.com. Thank you very much! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Faux-bi-Wan Kenobi

| Wausau, WI, USA | Top

(I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using
‘the Force’*
“Whoosh!”

(The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”

Faux Naturale

| Kingston, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Good morning! What can I help you with today?”

Customer: *stares*

Me: “Ma’am, did you need help with something?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “I just turned 21 this week.”

Customer: “21, eh? You know what I’m going to tell you next, don’t you?”

Me: “Um, drink more?”

Customer: “No! I was gonna tell you to shave your eyebrows! You look all…natural.”

Me: “Oh…thank you?”

Customer: “A girl your age shouldn’t look natural!”

Not Too Hot To Pot

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at a paint-your-own-pottery studio where we fire the ceramics in our own kilns.)

Customer: “How long does it take to get the pottery back?”

Me: “It takes one week, sir.”

Customer: “Well I need my pottery in two days. Can I just take it home and cook it in my oven?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that won’t work. The pottery needs to be fired in a kiln.”

Customer: “But my oven gets really hot.”

Me: “I’m sure it does sir, but it still won’t work.”

Customer: “But you don’t know hot my oven gets. It gets really, really, hot!”

Me: “Well, sir, we fire our pottery at 1800 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Customer: “Oh.”

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