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  • Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 7
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    Destroying America, One Backwards Part At A Time

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    (I’m working the returns desk, when a man comes in carrying a half assembled bookshelf and it’s box and slams it on my counter.)

    Me: “Hi sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’ve had it with this.”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I’ve spent six hours. SIX HOURS! I’m trying to get this together, my kids are crying because it doesn’t look cool. I’ve tried it every way, and I’m not incapable, but this is impossible!”

    Me: “Hmm, it looks like some of the pieces were manufactured wrong. This appears to be upside down and this one the holes aren’t on the right side.”

    Customer: “That’s not the problem. The problem is someone pissed off an employee in China and he’s taking it out on me!”

    Make Sure The Crime Is Worth The Time

    , | Mystic, CT, USA |

    Me: “That’ll be $129.00.”

    Customer: *hands me credit card*

    Me: “And can I just see some ID with that please?”

    Customer: *hands me ID*

    Customer’s husband: “This just goes to show you that if you want to steal someone’s charge card, you’d better steal their ID, too!”

    Customer: “Yeah, but they wouldn’t look like the ID.”

    Customer’s husband: “Well, you could surgically alter your face to look like theirs.”

    Me: “That seems like an awful lot of effort to get a couple of sweatshirts.”

    Customer: “I know, at least do it and get some electronics or something!”

    Disc Doctor, Not Disc Miracle Worker

    | Erie, PA, USA | Top

    (Our store sells a device called a Disc Doctor; it resurfaces CDs so they can be read again.)

    Caller: “I bought a Disc Doctor and it isn’t working.”

    Manager: “Well, I have one, and they can be difficult at times. Why don’t you tell me what you did, and I’ll try and talk you through it.”

    Caller: “Okay. I sprayed it with the solution and then I put both halves in the tray–”

    Manager: “Wait… did you just say ‘both halves’?”

    Caller: “Yeah, both halves.”

    Manager: “Yeah, that’s not going to work…”

    Fourth Graders Going On Forty

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Rude & Risque

    (I work for a custom blinds store and a couple is having their whole house done. We’re going over everything and placing the order.)

    Me: “These windows will have an inside mount.”

    Husband: “A what?”

    Me: “Inside mount.”

    Husband: “Oh, hehe.”

    Me: “So, on this one that installer has recommended a reverse mount.”

    Husband: “Haha!”

    Wife: “Shhhh!”

    Husband: “How do you people keep a straight face?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Husband: “I had no idea that blinds were so sexual!”

    Me: “Oh, um…. I guess I never thought of it like that.”

    Wife, to husband: “You’re such a child!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Preserving Life, 1-Up At A Time

    , | California, USA | Top

    (Note: Pokemon is a game with various creatures that simulate animals in it. When a Pokemon has no hit points, or HP, is is considered “fainted.” Many mistake this for something serious, but it is easily remedied by healing your Pokemon in a specific building.)

    Customer: *storms up to desk* “I DEMAND A REFUND!”

    (She slams a copy of Pokemon Platinum on the counter.)

    Me: “Certainly, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “My freaking fire monkey DIED! See?”

    (She pulls the DS from her pocket, turns it on, enters game, and shows me that her Pokemon [a chimchar] has no HP.)

    Me: “Well, I can…erm…revive your ‘fire monkey’ if you’d like.”

    Customer: “What are you, some freaking Pokemon priest?! MY FIRE MONKEY IS DEAD!”

    Me: “No, no, look.”

    (I control her character to go to a Pokemon Center and heal up her Pokemon.)

    Me: “There, all better.”

    Customer: “THANK YOU! YOU SAVED MY FIRE MONKEY! HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?!”

    Me: “Um…no problem, ma’am. Glad to help.”

    Customer: “AND SO HUMBLE! YOU SAVED MY FIRE MONKEY!” *leaves store*

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