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    MSRP: My Suggested Retail Price

    | Wanganui, New Zealand | Top

    Customer: “Ooh, don’t you have lovely eyes? You’re like a little china doll!”

    Me: “Uh, thanks…is that like a porcelain doll?”

    Customer: “Yes! Yes! A porcelain doll! from Europe! Your skin is so pale, and your eyes are so big! Oh my, you do look just like a china doll! I bet you have so many different outfits! And a little house! And lots of hats!

    Coworker: *joking* “Actually, she’s a collector’s item. Very rare. A one-off, in fact.”

    Customer, to me: “LIFT UP YOUR HAIR!”

    Me: “Why?!”

    Customer: “I need to see your stamp of authenticity!”

    Honoring The Memory Of Purchases Gone By

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It was the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

    Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

    Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

    Customer: “What if I lose them?”

    Me: “We can give you store credit.”

    Customer: “Oh no, that won’t do…”

    Me: “Well…just hold onto your receipt.”

    Customer: “…can I have 5 receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

    Me: “…”

    (The woman leaves with her 5 receipts.)

    Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

    Wired For The Stone Age

    , | San Luis Obispo, CA, USA | Top

    (I walk up to an older man playing with an iPhone in our electronics store.)

    Me: “Hello sir, do you need any help?”

    Customer: “Naw, but I was wondering…why does this darn thing work with my finger, but not my fingernails?”

    Me: “Well, your body has electricity running through it, but your fingernails don’t conduct–”

    Customer: “Electricity in my body? My body?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We all have electricity running through our bodies.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! D*** technology! We didn’t have that s*** prancin’ around our bodies in back in my day!”

    Me: “Sir, we’ve always–”

    Customer: “Forget it! What’s the d*** world coming to?” *walks away mumbling*

    Never-Fail Conversation Starters

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “Um…I’m 17.”

    Customer: “No, you’re not!”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Customer: “No, no! You’re 4.6 billion years old! You’re older than me, and you’re older than your parents. Jesus is inside you!”

    Me: “Er…can I help you with anything else?”

    Customer: “Oh, can I borrow a pen?”

    I’m Too Sexy For My Kitchen

    | Hurst, TX, USA |

    (A customer brings me the bowl from a salad spinner set.)

    Customer: “How much is this hat?”

    Me: “Ma’am, that goes to a salad set. It’s not a hat.”

    (She doesn’t understand, so I tell her I’ll find the price. I come back with the whole set.)

    Me: “You see ma’am, this is used to dry salad after you wash it. You turn the handle and–”

    Customer: “I only want the hat, not the box and the hat!” *walks off*

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