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    The People Of England Wholeheartedly Agree

    , | Erie, PA, USA |

    Customer: “How do you change the language setting on The Sims?”

    Me: “Well, I’d imagine there’s something in the game’s options. What did you need to set it to?”

    Customer: “English.”

    Me: “Funny, I’d think that would be the default.”

    Customer: “But I can’t understand them!”

    Me: “Wait, you mean the Sims themselves?”

    Customer: “Yes! They’re speaking French!”

    Me: “No, they’re speaking Simlish. It’s a gibberish language.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, it sounds like French!”

    Octomom, The Early Years

    | St. Thomas, ON, Canada |

    (A middle-aged woman who doesn’t look too well comes up to my checkout.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

    Customer: “I think I’m in labour.”

    Me: “Oh! Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?” *starts scanning her items*

    Customer: “Nah, this is my third one. I won’t go to the hospital until I know it’s coming out.”

    Me: “Oh. Um… all right.”

    (I finish ringing her up and hand her her bags.)

    Customer: “Yeah, it doesn’t hurt or anything. After the first one, you don’t really notice!” *takes her things and leaves*

    Reach Out And Touch Someone’s Nerve

    | Canada |

    Me: *on the phone* “Good morning, **** speaking.”

    Customer: “I need to speak to a computer technician.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but nobody’s in right now. We don’t open for another 20 minutes or so. Did you want to try calling back in about half an hour?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “… um, OK. Can I take a message for them to call you back?”

    Customer: “No! I called NOW, so I want to talk to a computer technician NOW!”

    Me: “…but there’s nobody in to take your call.”

    Customer: “I need to speak with your manager.”

    Me: “Uh, why?”

    Customer: *angry* “I’M GOING TO GET YOU FIRED BECAUSE YOU MADE ME THINK YOU WERE OPEN BY ANSWERING YOUR F***ING PHONE!”

    Me: “So…you would’ve been happier if nobody answered?”

    Customer: “OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!”

    Me: “I think I do. Bye now!” *click*

    This Barter Be A Good Deal

    , | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Me: “OK, so this suit will be $500.”

    Customer: “Oh wow – that’s way too much. Can you take the price down?”

    Me: “No sir, I can’t do anything about the price.”

    Customer: “Well…how about I give you my watch?”

    Me: “…are you serious? I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “How about my watch?”

    Me: “All right. You give me your watch, two of your daughters, a goat and a chicken, and the suit is yours.”

    Customer: “OK, deal!”

    (The customer walked out of the store. He never came back.)

    The Grim Reaper Goes Shopping

    | Hadley, MA, USA |

    (I am stocking our stationary section, and a customer walks up to me.)

    Customer: “Do you sell condolence cards?”

    Me: “No. Perhaps try Target or Walmart?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for them in bulk.”

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