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    The Secret Language Of Customers

    , | Long Island, NY, USA | Uncategorized

    (An elderly customer approaches me while I make the rounds at the computer store.)

    Customer: “Hello, young man! I would like one of those things…” *points to a laptop on display*

    Me: “Sure thing! I have a couple of questions. What do you think you will mainly use it for?”

    Customer: “Oh, I want to send screen mail.”

    Me: “You mean email?”

    Customer: “No! Screen mail!”

    (Just as she says this, my supervisor walks up.)

    Supervisor: “Oh, screen mail!”

    Customer: “Yes, see? This young fellow gets it!”

    (My supervisor points to a deli across the street)

    Supervisor: “They sell screen mail over there.”

    (She leaves and promptly returns after 20 minutes.)

    Customer: “Thank you!” *holds up a bag of potato chips* “I got them!”

    By Land, Air, And Crazy

    | Gloucester, UK | Military

    (Note: I’m an Air Cadet packing bags at a store in return for donations.)

    Customer: “So, what are you collecting for?”

    Me: “Air Cadets, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Army cadets, ‘ay?”

    Me: “No, ma’am…Air Cadets.”

    Customer: “I used to be an Army Cadet. I loved being on them big old boats.”

    Me: “I think you were a Sea Cadet.”

    Customer: “Well, anyway, I’ll always donate to the Army Cadets. Stop them d*** Air Cadets from ruling the sea!”

    Me: “But ma’am…we fly, not sail.”

    Customer: “No, that can’t be right! It was them d*** sea cadets that did that flying business. No, air cadets were the ones who were always crawling through mud.”

    Me: “But ma’am, I–”

    Customer: “Well, this should give you enough to buy a new sail. I don’t know why I donate so much, you know!” *hands me an old three pence piece*

    A Very, Very Happy Anniversary

    | Illinois, USA | Uncategorized

    (A man walks into the smoke shop and looks around at the acrylic bongs.)

    Customer: “I’ll take the blue one.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (He pays then leaves. About an hour later, he returns looking distressed.)

    Customer: “Something’s wrong with this vase you sold me. I bought this vase for my wife for our anniversary. But the roses I bought won’t fit in it!”

    Me: “Sir, that is not a vase. It’s a bong.”

    Customer: “What?! Why would you sell bongs in a vase shop?! I have a bunch of people coming over and this was going to be the center piece!”

    Me: “This is a smoke shop, sir. Not a vase shop. Would you like to return the bong for a refund?”

    Customer: *thinks for a moment* “No. On second thought, I think I’ll find some use for it…”

    Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk, Part 2

    | St. Charles, MO, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, how do I get out?”

    Me: “The door is right over there, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yes, but it’s not opening.”

    Me: “It isn’t an automatic door.”

    Customer: “So, how do I get out?”

    Related:
    Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

    Visual Innuendos

    | Norway | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, may I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Ah, yes, please. I have no idea what I’m looking for really.”

    Me: “What room are you thinking about redecorating?”

    Customer: “My bedroom. It’s just so plain boring. I need some action! Action around the bed, you know?”

    Me: “Oh…yeah.”

    Customer: *pauses* “Wall…on the wall! I meant action on the wall!”

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