Ah, Mothers, Part 3

| Morristown, TN, USA |

(A customer comes in with a friend to translate for her, since she does not speak very good English.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hello. You remember me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t. I see a lot of people every day.”

Customer: “Well, you remember my daughter, right?”

Me: “No, I don’t…sorry. Is she with you?”

Customer: “No, but you two would look good together!”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, but I’m engaged.”

Customer: “You gay? I sorry! Sorry!”

Customer’s friend: *translating* “No, he said engaged.”

Customer: “Oh, you getting married. Well she no care if you married. She very pretty, and tall!”

Related:
Ah, Mothers, Part 2
Ah, Mothers

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

In Soviet America, Product Buys You

| Canada |

Me: “Hey there, can I help you out?”

Customer: “Were these products on Oprah?”

Me: “Yes, they’ve been featured.”

Customer: “Celebrities use them, right? So they must be really expensive…like $500 a pop or something, right?”

Me: “No, not at all. This one here only costs $40 before tax, and none of the products exceed $150.”

Customer: “So, when the celebrities buy them, they only cost $40?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And when regular people buy them, they only cost $40?”

Me: “Yes.”

(A moment of silence passes as the customer glares at me.)

Customer: “COMMUNIST!”

The Secret Language Of Customers

, | Long Island, NY, USA |

(An elderly customer approaches me while I make the rounds at the computer store.)

Customer: “Hello, young man! I would like one of those things…” *points to a laptop on display*

Me: “Sure thing! I have a couple of questions. What do you think you will mainly use it for?”

Customer: “Oh, I want to send screen mail.”

Me: “You mean email?”

Customer: “No! Screen mail!”

(Just as she says this, my supervisor walks up.)

Supervisor: “Oh, screen mail!”

Customer: “Yes, see? This young fellow gets it!”

(My supervisor points to a deli across the street)

Supervisor: “They sell screen mail over there.”

(She leaves and promptly returns after 20 minutes.)

Customer: “Thank you!” *holds up a bag of potato chips* “I got them!”

By Land, Air, And Crazy

| Gloucester, UK | Military

(Note: I’m an Air Cadet packing bags at a store in return for donations.)

Customer: “So, what are you collecting for?”

Me: “Air Cadets, ma’am.”

Customer: “Army cadets, ‘ay?”

Me: “No, ma’am…Air Cadets.”

Customer: “I used to be an Army Cadet. I loved being on them big old boats.”

Me: “I think you were a Sea Cadet.”

Customer: “Well, anyway, I’ll always donate to the Army Cadets. Stop them d*** Air Cadets from ruling the sea!”

Me: “But ma’am…we fly, not sail.”

Customer: “No, that can’t be right! It was them d*** sea cadets that did that flying business. No, air cadets were the ones who were always crawling through mud.”

Me: “But ma’am, I–”

Customer: “Well, this should give you enough to buy a new sail. I don’t know why I donate so much, you know!” *hands me an old three pence piece*

A Very, Very Happy Anniversary

| Illinois, USA |

(A man walks into the smoke shop and looks around at the acrylic bongs.)

Customer: “I’ll take the blue one.”

Me: “No problem.”

(He pays then leaves. About an hour later, he returns looking distressed.)

Customer: “Something’s wrong with this vase you sold me. I bought this vase for my wife for our anniversary. But the roses I bought won’t fit in it!”

Me: “Sir, that is not a vase. It’s a bong.”

Customer: “What?! Why would you sell bongs in a vase shop?! I have a bunch of people coming over and this was going to be the center piece!”

Me: “This is a smoke shop, sir. Not a vase shop. Would you like to return the bong for a refund?”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “No. On second thought, I think I’ll find some use for it…”

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