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    The Day The Music Died

    | Santa Maria, CA, USA | Musical Mayhem, Uncategorized

    (I am checking out a customer buying an MP3 player.)

    Customer: “Does this come charged?”

    Me: “I don’t think so, why?”

    Customer: “Well, I want to listen to it on the way home.”

    Me: “But there’s nothing on it.”

    Customer: “There’s not? Where’s all the music then?”

    Putting The Dumb In Random

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

    (I am checking out a customer and realize that one of the shirts he’s buying doesn’t have a barcode, so I ask a co-worker to find a similar shirt.)

    Me: “Do you remember where you found this shirt?”

    Customer: “It was on the clearance rack in the men’s department.”

    Me: “Alright, my co-worker is looking for it, but it could take a while.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time for that.”

    Me: “Sorry, do you not want the shirt then?”

    Customer: “I want the shirt.  I just don’t have time for her to find the dumb thing.”

    Me: “Well, there’s really nothing I can do without a number.”

    Customer: “Just type some random numbers in.”

    Me: “That won’t work.”

    Customer: “How do you know? You didn’t even try it.”

    Me: “Because I know it won’t work.”

    Customer: “Just try.”

    (I type in twelve random numbers and press enter, then turn the screen toward him to show a bright red “not a valid number” message.)

    Customer: “That’s because you didn’t type the right numbers!”

    Charge Me Once, Shame On You

    | Bangor, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $85.49, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I’ll be paying by cash, please.”

    (I press cash and wait for her. Instead, the customer picks up the stylus attached to my card signature pad and taps it against the screen.)

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “Just a moment. I’m waiting for the relevant screen to come up so I can sign my name.”

    (The customer proceeds to viciously stab the stylus into the screen, then smacks the side of it with her hand.)

    Me: “Umm, a signature isn’t required if you’re paying cash.”

    Customer: “What? Oh, well then.”

    (She fishes out her wallet and hands me a $100. I finish the transaction and am counting out her change when she picks up the stylus and begins stabbing the signature pad again.)

    Customer: “Now it’s just gone back to displaying the store logo. Where’s the option for me to authorize the amount?”

    Me: “A customer authorization is only required if you’re paying by debit, ma’am. You’ve already paid with cash so the transaction is finished.”

    (As I hand over her change, she looks down at the signature pad again.)

    Customer: “Well, can I still sign just to be sure you don’t charge me twice for this?”

    Of Half-Baked Requests And Baked-In Clothes

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Top

    (I work in a custom ceramics shop were we offer a touch-up/repainting service. A woman in a formal dress comes in with an armful of garden gnomes.)

    Customer: “I need these gnomes to match this dress.”

    Me: “Okay, we can do that. Do you mind if we take a picture for reference?”

    Customer: “It’s for a wedding.”

    Me: “That’s nice.”

    Customer: “It’s this afternoon.”

    Me: “This afternoon?”

    Customer: “Yes, at three. What, did you think I just walked around dressed like this all the time?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we can’t help you. It would take the better part of a day just to paint all these little guys, and it takes at least three hours for the glaze to dry completely.”

    Customer: “You don’t need to paint them! Just get them to change their little clothes!”

    Me: “Ma’am, these are garden gnomes.”

    Customer: “Exactly! Now, unfreeze them and make them change! I’m going to be late!”

    Off-Color Knowledge

    | Montreal, Canada | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    Customer: Hi, I need some printer ink please. Do you carry ink for [printer model]?”

    Me: “Of course. You want the color cartridge?”

    Customer: “Oh, they have colors? Okay, then. I want green and pink.”

    Me: “It doesn’t really work like that. The printer has one color cartridge that can do all the colors.”

    Customer: “Really? How they can put that many colors in one cartridge?”

    Me: “They put only blue, red and yellow, and they’re mixed to make all the colors.”

    Customer: “Oh, that sounds cool. But how will the printer know which color goes where if I don’t tell it?”

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