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    Many Germs In Germany

    | Australia | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Earrings?”

    (I show her some and she picks out a pair, then tries to put them on.)

    Me: “Sorry, but you can’t actually try them on. You can hold them up to your ear, though.”

    (She still tries to put them in and I move forward to stop her.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you cannot try those on due to health regulations. You’re only allowed to hold them up to your ears.”

    (The customer looks at me, smiles sympathetically and pats my hand.)

    Customer: “But I’m German!”

    Ask Me Questions, I Tell You Lies

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer brings in a 20 year old pool cleaner.)

    Customer: “I need you to wet-test this for me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t offer that service. If you like, we can check it in, and bench test it.”

    Customer: “Fine, but I wanna watch what you’re doing. I just had it in here last week, and it’s broken again!”

    Me: “Do you remember who worked on it?”

    Customer: “It was that kid with all those tattoos”

    (One of our employees has a small tattoo on his arm. While he flips out, I find the problem: a part was put in up-side-down.)

    Me: “You sure [name] worked on this?”

    Customer: “Yes! I knew he would mess it up!”

    Me: “Well here is your problem. This part was up side down. Did you install this yourself?

    Customer: “Yes, I bought it here last week! And your guys came to my house last week, he cut off all my pipes, and he ruined my equipment!”

    Me: “Sir, the last service done at your house was 3 months ago…a filter clean.”

    Customer: “You’re not helpful at all!” *leaves*

    D’ohpe

    | Florida, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Why was my return denied?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the system is showing us that you have recently made a lot of returns without a receipt. When this happens, corporate flags your ID and you can’t make any non-receipt returns for a while. It’s to prevent theft.”

    Customer: “I’m not stealing. In fact, I have a lot of money. My boyfriend is a street pharmacist and he has a lot of money.”

    Me: “A what, ma’am?”

    Customer: “A street pharmacist! He sells dope.”

    Me: “That is more information than I want to know ma’am. You have a good day.”

    Looking For A Bullseye In A Haystack

    | Coon Rapids, MN, USA | Uncategorized

    (I work at a major big box retailer known for its employees that wear red shirts and khaki pants.)

    Customer: “I lost my credit card!”

    Me: “What is your name and what kind of card is it?”

    (The customer gives that information and I check the lost and found.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am. I don’t have it here. Do you know where you lost it?”

    Customer: “At the checkout.”

    Me: “Do you remember which one? Do you have your receipt? That would help me figure it out.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Do you remember who helped you?”

    Customer: “Well, she was wearing a red shirt…”

    Elixirs Of Everlasting Life Are On Aisle 5

    | Evansville, IN, USA | Uncategorized

    (While ringing up a customer, the computer flags cold medicine and asks for age verification.)

    Me: “Sir, I need to verify your date of birth.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “You’re trying to buy medicine and I just need your date of birth to confirm you are over the age of 18.”

    Customer: “Oh. April 20th, 1420.”

    Me: “Sir, I really need your actual birth date to continue.”

    Customer: “4-20-1420. Put it in.”

    (I enter the date. The system accepts. I look in disbelief.)

    Customer: “Told you.”

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