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    Music To My Wax-Clogged Ears

    , | Lewisville, TX, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [music store].”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for sheet music to a song called ‘Beautiful Star of Bethlehem’.”

    Me: “I don’t think we have it in stock, but we might be able to order it for you. ”

    Caller: “Can you deliver it to me?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t offer that service. How about I give you a website to go to? You can probably order it from them and have it shipped to your home?”

    Caller: “Okay, what’s the website?”

    Me: “Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. Sheetmusic.com.”

    Me: “No. SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: *I spell it out*

    Caller: “P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Oh, P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No. L as in Larry.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “How do you spell ‘com’?”

    Me: “C-O-M.”

    Caller: “C-L-N?”

    Me: “No, C-O-M.”

    Caller: “Okay, Sheetmusic.com. Thank you very much! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

    Faux-bi-Wan Kenobi

    | Wausau, WI, USA | Top

    (I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

    Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using
    ‘the Force’*
    “Whoosh!”

    (The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

    Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

    Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

    Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

    Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”

    Faux Naturale

    | Kingston, NY, USA |

    Me: “Good morning! What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: *stares*

    Me: “Ma’am, did you need help with something?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “I just turned 21 this week.”

    Customer: “21, eh? You know what I’m going to tell you next, don’t you?”

    Me: “Um, drink more?”

    Customer: “No! I was gonna tell you to shave your eyebrows! You look all…natural.”

    Me: “Oh…thank you?”

    Customer: “A girl your age shouldn’t look natural!”

    Not Too Hot To Pot

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (I work at a paint-your-own-pottery studio where we fire the ceramics in our own kilns.)

    Customer: “How long does it take to get the pottery back?”

    Me: “It takes one week, sir.”

    Customer: “Well I need my pottery in two days. Can I just take it home and cook it in my oven?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that won’t work. The pottery needs to be fired in a kiln.”

    Customer: “But my oven gets really hot.”

    Me: “I’m sure it does sir, but it still won’t work.”

    Customer: “But you don’t know hot my oven gets. It gets really, really, hot!”

    Me: “Well, sir, we fire our pottery at 1800 degrees Fahrenheit.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    May We Suggest A Troublemaker Instead

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |

    Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello dear, I was wondering if I could return this coffee machine? It’s not making any coffee.”

    Me: “Oh, right. Well, normally you would send it to the manufacturer and they would repair it.”

    Customer: “Who?”

    Me: “The manufacturer.”

    Customer: “But I bought it here. Have a look at it anyway, son.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll have a quick look.”

    (I open the box to find the machine wrapped in plastic and only slightly wet, but otherwise as clean as a brand new one.)

    Me: “When you tried it out, did you put coffee in it?”

    Customer: “Coffee?”

    Me: “Yes, did you put coffee powder or granules in it?”

    Customer: “No, of course not! Don’t be silly, it’s a coffee machine. It’s meant to MAKE coffee, is it not? Why buy a coffee machine that needs coffee in it to make coffee?!”

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