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    There Can Be Only One

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I am a manager in a department store. I’m returning a call to a customer who has a complaint.)

    Me: “Hi, this is *** calling from [department store] to follow up with your concern.”

    Customer: “Yes, I was in your store yesterday and I had to wait in line forever. I had a coupon that expired at 1 pm. I got tired of waiting, so I just left.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you mind telling me in which area you were trying to pay?”

    Customer: “All over. The lines were long everywhere. I’m thinking about cutting up the credit card I have with you all!”

    Me: “Well, I do want to thank you for letting me know. We had tried to make sure that someone was scheduled to ring at every register, and it looks like we have some opportunity to improve that.”

    Customer: “Oh, every register had someone ringing at it. There were plenty of sales people.”

    Me: “Well…uh…how can I help you then?”

    Customer: “There were just too many customers in your store!”

    Olfactional Hazards

    , | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer comes up to me with a knitted poncho.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this 100% wool?”

    Me: “No, it’s 100% acrylic.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? It feels like wool.”

    Me: “It does, but it is acrylic. I saw the tag before it came off.”

    Customer: “But it feels so much like the scarf I’m wearing right now, and that one is 100% wool. It even smells like wool. Smell it!”

    Me: “Um, my nose isn’t good enough to distinguish between wool and acrylic. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, smell it! Then, smell my scarf.” *sniffs both the poncho and scarf* “See, they smell the same.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

    Customer: “No, smell my scarf. Smell it!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “SMELL MY SCARF!”

    Jesus On The Dance Floor

    , | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    Customer: “Hey, you guys shouldn’t have this DVD on the shelf! It’s very inappropriate!”

    (The customer hands me a copy of “Jesus Christ: Superstar”.)

    Me: “What’s so bad about it?”

    Customer: “It is inappropriate to portray the son of God like this! He is not a rockstar!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, you can submit a complaint with our corporate office, because I can’t control what gets put on our shelves.”

    Customer: “Okay, well I’m definitely adding in the fact that this DVD was horribly placed!”

    Me: “Where was it?”

    Customer: “It was on the floor! The son of God should not be on the floor!”

    The Devil Is In The Retailers

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “Do you have this product here?” *points to a video game in our ad*

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Just take that aisle down here and turn right. Near the doors are the video games.”

    Customer: “Oh, alright! Thank you.”

    (Shortly after, I get a call about TVs so head towards that section. After helping another guest out, the first guest shows up.)

    Me: “Hello again, ma’am! Want me to show you where that game is you were looking for?”

    Customer: “How did you do that?”

    Me: “Do what, ma’am?”

    Customer: “How did you appear like that? Magic?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I just–”

    Customer: “It’s magic! You kids and your devil ways!”

    Me: “I promise it’s not magic, ma’am. I just took a shortcut.”

    Customer: “Through h***! Demon!” *storms out*

    Why Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long, Part 2

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Customer: “My phone is broken, but it’s only two months old. I need a replacement.”

    Me: “If your phone is less than 3 months old, I can give you a replacement today. Just let me have a look at it.”

    Customer: “Why do you need to see it? It doesn’t work, and I was told if it broke within 3 months I get a new phone straight away.”

    Me: “That’s right, but there are conditions, one being that the phone can’t have any liquid or physical damage. I need to check for that.”

    Customer: “Fine, here.”

    (When I open up the phone, it stinks of alcohol.)

    Me: “Sorry, this smells like it has alcohol on it.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, I dropped it in the sink and I know you won’t fix it if it has water damage, but I didn’t have any ethylated spirits, so I soaked it in vodka for 2 days to dry it out.”

    Me: “You’ve just ruined your phone, and now I can’t give you another one.”

    Customer: “What?! This is ridiculous! You should be more specific when you sell phones! You need to tell people that they can’t soak it in vodka!”

    Why Our Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long

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