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    Please Burn Before Returning

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I work at a large outdoor equipment store. ¬†I had an older woman approach the register with a female urinary device — which is used for winter mountaineering, so that women can use pee bottles in their tents.)

    Me: ¬†”Howdy. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

    Customer: ¬†”Well, I’m looking at this — do they work well?”

    Me: ¬†”Uh, well, I imagine so, but I don’t have any experience with that product.”

    Customer: ¬†”Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

    Me: ¬†”We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee on everything we sell here in the store. I will ask, however, that if you return it, you clean it first and double bag it!”

    Yes, Boarded Up Windows Will Send The Right Message

    | Halifax, NS, Canada |

    (Our store was recently renovated with big glass front windows.)

    Customer: “Wow, they renovated.”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Aren’t you afraid someone might come and shoot out the windows?”

    Me: “No, actually, it hadn’t really crossed my mind.”

    Customer: “Well, you should be concerned!”

    Me: “I’m not. I can’t say I’ve worried over that.”

    Customer: “Well, this IS downtown. These things happen! You should be worried!”

    Math Saves The Day Yet Again

    | Wisconsin |

    Me: “Welcome to ***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was calling about a corner fireplace you are supposed to have on sale.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, let me get you a price on that and check our stock.”

    (I leave, check the sale price ($299), and come back to the phone.)

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “Looks like the unit is $299.99 on sale.”

    Customer: “WHAT? I have a piece of paper right here that says it should be $315!”

    Me: “Oh, sorry. I said it’s on sale for $299.”

    Customer: “What the h***, it says it right here on my piece of paper! Corner fireplace for $315!

    Me: “Ma’am, $299 is less than $315.”

    (There’s a very long silence.)

    Customer: *click*

    Dirty Deeds For Dirt Cheap Clothes

    | Auckland, New Zealand |

    (A customer walks out of our fitting rooms holding a top, and she has an angry look on her face.)

    Customer: “This top is dirty, can I get a discount?”

    Me: “It just looks like some of your makeup has rubbed off on it; I’m sure it will come out in the wash.”

    Customer: “It isn’t makeup – can you give me a discount?”

    Me: “Uh, I’m pretty sure it is.”

    Customer: *getting louder* “It’s not OK! I dropped it on the ground and stood on it!”

    Me: “You stood on it and made it dirty, and you want a discount?”

    Customer: “…I’ll just go get another size then…”

    Recipe For An Interesting Evening

    | California, USA |

    Female Customer: “Hi there! Where do you keep your ping-pong balls?”

    Me: “Right over here.” *walks her over to them*

    Customer: “Oh great! Now, where do you sell your Vaseline?”

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