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    Unholier Than Thou

    | Stockton, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for your purchase, Mr. [customer's name]!”

    (Out of nowhere, the guy literally goes insane and starts to jump over the counter, screaming…)

    Customer: “How dare you take my name in vain!”

    (Luckily, my manager is a bouncer for his second job and walks over.)

    My manager: “What’s going on?”

    Customer: “Nothing…” *back to normal, leaves quietly*

    This Can Not End Well, Part 2

    | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Do y’all sell erotic films?”

    Me: “… No, sir.”

    Caller: “Hmm. You know where I can get some bullets?”

    Me: “Nowhere within a hundred miles of here!” *click*

    Related: This Can Not End Well

    Please Burn Before Returning

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I work at a large outdoor equipment store. ¬†I had an older woman approach the register with a female urinary device — which is used for winter mountaineering, so that women can use pee bottles in their tents.)

    Me: ¬†”Howdy. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

    Customer: ¬†”Well, I’m looking at this — do they work well?”

    Me: ¬†”Uh, well, I imagine so, but I don’t have any experience with that product.”

    Customer: ¬†”Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

    Me: ¬†”We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee on everything we sell here in the store. I will ask, however, that if you return it, you clean it first and double bag it!”

    Yes, Boarded Up Windows Will Send The Right Message

    | Halifax, NS, Canada |

    (Our store was recently renovated with big glass front windows.)

    Customer: “Wow, they renovated.”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Aren’t you afraid someone might come and shoot out the windows?”

    Me: “No, actually, it hadn’t really crossed my mind.”

    Customer: “Well, you should be concerned!”

    Me: “I’m not. I can’t say I’ve worried over that.”

    Customer: “Well, this IS downtown. These things happen! You should be worried!”

    Math Saves The Day Yet Again

    | Wisconsin |

    Me: “Welcome to ***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was calling about a corner fireplace you are supposed to have on sale.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, let me get you a price on that and check our stock.”

    (I leave, check the sale price ($299), and come back to the phone.)

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “Looks like the unit is $299.99 on sale.”

    Customer: “WHAT? I have a piece of paper right here that says it should be $315!”

    Me: “Oh, sorry. I said it’s on sale for $299.”

    Customer: “What the h***, it says it right here on my piece of paper! Corner fireplace for $315!

    Me: “Ma’am, $299 is less than $315.”

    (There’s a very long silence.)

    Customer: *click*

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