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    Just Plain Queue-pid

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (It’s a busy day, and we already have several customers lined up for the registers. A customer at the back of the line is trying to get a coworker’s attention.)

    Customer: “Hey! Excuse me! I want to buy this!”

    Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, but there are people in front of you. You’ll have to wait until they’re finished first.”

    Customer: “What?! Why do they get to go first?”

    Coworker: “Because they were here first?”

    Customer: “Nuh-uh! You don’t know that!”

    Coworker: “Yes, I do…”

    (They go back and forth for a few minutes before my coworker gives up.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, they get to go first because they got dibs on the registers. ”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get dibs after them?”

    Coworker: “Well, okay.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    No Dimes Like The Present

    | Southfield, MI, USA |

    (It’s my first day, and the place I’m working at has me doing registers. A lady comes up with a full cart with approximately $400 worth of merchandise. I run her credit card through, and it gets denied.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, your card isn’t being accepted by our system.”

    Customer: “But it should be working! It doesn’t expire until 2010!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, it seems your card might be maxed out. The expiration date won’t really help there.”

    Customer: “…but it’s good until 2010!”

    Co-worker: “Ma’am, there’s nothing he can do. Either find another way to pay for your purchase or leave the merchandise here.”

    Customer: “All right, I’ll write a check, but I’m going to call [credit card company] and complain. They gave me a bad credit card! It’s not supposed to expire until 2010!”

    (Surprisingly, the check went through.)

    Walk Loudly And Carry A Sharp Stick

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (A couple comes up to me looking for something to help against attacking cougars. I recommend bear spray, a high-power pepper spray to repel predators.)

    Customer: “Nah, we don’t need bear spray. Sometimes that stuff just pisses them off, y’know?”

    Me: “Well, in some rare cases–”

    Customer: “Hey what are those?” *points at 18″ machetes*

    Me: “Those are machetes.”

    Customer: “That’s perfect! That’s just what we ened. If there’s a cougar we don’t need no Bear Spray! We’ll just fight ‘em off with this!”

    Me: “Okay…you sure you wouldn’t like some bear spray, too? Just as a first option?”

    Customer: “Nah, sometimes that just pisses them off!”

    Crimes Of (Extremely Long) Premeditation

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    Me: “That’ll be $23.44, ma’am.”

    Customer: *stares off into space*

    Me: “…Ma’am?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “How would you like to pay for this?”

    Customer: “Oh right, I guess I have to give you money…”

    Me: “I’d appreciate it.”

    Customer: “…or, I could always steal it.”

    (At first I think she’s kidding; but, after a long pause, I realize she is actually contemplating this.)

    Me: “I’d go with the former, ma’am.”

    What You [Don't] See Is What You Get

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me find invisible wire?”

    Me: “Oh, fish wire?”

    Customer: “Yes, invisible wire.”

    Me: “Yup, that’s right over here.”

    (I take the customer over, pull one off the hook and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Is this a joke?!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “This isn’t invisible wire! I can see it!”

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