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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • I Put A Spell On You… And You.. And You…

    , | Canada |

    (I’ve just helped a customer find a pair of shoes.)

    Customer: “Thanks so much. It’s so great the last pair was in my size!”

    Me: “Yeah, that was pretty lucky.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Oh, it wasn’t luck. I put a curse on everyone with the same shoe size as me so they wouldn’t buy these shoes.”

    Marriage: The Ultimate Slippery Slope

    , | East Greenwich, RI, USA | Top

    (I work in the shipping and receiving department of a furniture store, where customers ring a bell so I can give them their box. We also have a loading dock for semi’s.)

    Outside: *BANG! BANG!*

    (Alarmed, I go to the loading dock where I see an E-class Mercedes sliding repeatedly down the icy incline and crashing into the building.)

    Me: “Sir! Sir! What are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to pick up my f***ing table! You call this customer pick-up?”

    Me: “No, Sir. We call this the loading dock. The customer service door is right over here.” *points at door*

    Customer: “F***! Would you come down here and help push my car up the grade while I floor it?”

    Me: “Sir, that incline is solid ice. If I slip or your car slides down, I could be killed. So, no, I won’t do that.”

    Customer: “Well, f*** you!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Just ring this bell over here when you get out.”

    (After a few more minutes and several more crashing noises, the bell rings. I open the door and it’s the same customer standing outside.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need this.” *hands me slip*

    Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll have that ready right here for you. Would you like some help getting it into the car?”

    Customer: “F*** you!”

    (The customer takes the box by himself and attempts to fit box into his back seat but fails, as it’s filled with various items. He pulls out a child’s stroller and throws it across the road and into the woods, where it catches and hangs on a tree branch. He then proceeds to throw all other items in his car out onto road. The whole time, his wife is standing with me and watching.)

    Customer’s wife: “Here you go.” *gives me a $10 tip*

    Me: “Good luck with that guy.”

    Customer’s wife: “Yeah, thanks. He’s still got to put that table together!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    All Roads Lead To Rome China

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer is looking at our lamp displays).

    Customer: “Where in China are these made?”

    Me: “They’re not made in China; they’re all made in Italy.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?”

    Me: “They’re not made in China. All these lamps are made in Italy.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?!”

    Me: “None of these lamps are made in China. They’re made in Italy. It’s a country in Europe.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?!”

    Science, Stripped Down To A Soundbite

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    Customer: “The counter is wet.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s from condensation.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “When someone takes the milk out of the refrigerator, and it starts to become room temperature…it drips…”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “It’s water.”

    Customer: “Oh!”

    Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

    | Wichita, KS, USA | Top

    (I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

    Other customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

    (Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

    Little old lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

    Other customer: *storms off*

    (I hugged the lady and she is now a regular of mine.)

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