Please Press Any Brain Cell To Continue

| Bakersfield, CA, USA |

Me: “Alright, and can I have your zip code, please?”

Customer: “Sure.”

Customer: *really, really long pause*

Customer: *customer looks back at cashier, still waiting*

Customer: *still silent*

Customer’s son: “Mom.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s son: “She asked for the zip code.”

Customer: “I know. I told her she could have it!”

Customer’s son: *says the zip code*

Customer: “Oh! I didn’t realize she wanted me to give it to her!”

Can’t Cedar Forest For The Trees

| Westchester, OH, USA | Top

Customer: “These Christmas trees all look so fake! I want to get one fresh from the Everglades!”

(I chuckle, and then realize he is serious.)

Me: “Sir, the Everglades aren’t exactly known for there Christmas trees.”

Customer: “Oh yeah! I forgot, it’s all frozen.”

Me: “No sir, the Everglades are in the middle of Florida.”

Customer: “Oh, well I was never good at geometry anyway.”

Even Santa Has To Read His List (And Check It Twice)

| Australia |

(I’m working in layby (AKA layaways) and dealing with the Christmas shopping rush.)

Customer: “Can I organize delivery for this item?”

Me: “We can, but we can’t guarantee it will arrive before Christmas because you didn’t pay it off by the 1st.”

Customer: “What? Are you trying to ruin Christmas? My grandchildren will cry and find out there is no Santa. Nobody told me I had to pay it off by then!”

Me: “I’m sorry, all the terms and conditions of the layby were printed on your receipt…” *I point it out on the receipt* “See, right here, above where you signed to say that accepted them.”

Customer: “But nobody TOLD me to read them!”

Million Dollar Baby (Carrots)

| Montreal, Canada |

Me: “Welcome to [kitchen store]. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Oh! Aren’t you a lovely young thing! I need something that will cut vegetables into slices. You see, I’m quite the chef, I have a very expensive home in New York, and I have a million dollar kitchen!”

Me: “Well, we have a variety of slicers…”

(I bring him to a shelf with vegetable slicers. He proceeds to open a knapsack and takes out a cucumber, a carrot, other assorted vegetables.)

Me: “Sir, what are you doing?”

Customer: “I have to test the slicer! I can’t buy just any old slicer! What will they think?”

(He begins slicing a cucumber with one of the models on display.)

Me: “What will who think?”

Customer: “MY GUESTS! MY GUESTS! THEY’LL JUDGE ME WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT MY MILLION DOLLAR KITCHEN! Ugh! This slicer is horrible! Look at that! I nearly cut my own finger off! This is despicable. I’ll be back tomorrow, dear, and I expect you to have more advanced slicers by then.”

(He begins stroking my arm frantically, so my co-worker politely escorts him out of the store. His cucumber, mind you, stayed behind.)

The Funny Pharm-acy

| United Kingdom |

(I work in a shopping mall. On my lunch break, I visit the pharmacy. A woman runs into me.)

Customer: “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

Me: “In my cupboard.”

Customer: “How dare you talk to me that way! I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Oh, so now you’re going to get into trouble, it’s ‘I don’t work here’, eh?”

Me: *pointing to the company logo on my shirt* “No, I genuinely do not work here. I work in [shop name], see?”

Customer: “So you don’t wear your uniform either? Where’s your manager?” *turns to make-up counter employee* “Are you her manager, missy?”

Make-up Counter Employee: “Yes, yes I am.” *turns to me, winking* “Don’t do that again.”

Customer: “Thank you! See, now I can shop here again!” *to make-up counter employee* “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

Page 310/441First...308309310311312...Last