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    Crimes Of (Extremely Long) Premeditation

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    Me: “That’ll be $23.44, ma’am.”

    Customer: *stares off into space*

    Me: “…Ma’am?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “How would you like to pay for this?”

    Customer: “Oh right, I guess I have to give you money…”

    Me: “I’d appreciate it.”

    Customer: “…or, I could always steal it.”

    (At first I think she’s kidding; but, after a long pause, I realize she is actually contemplating this.)

    Me: “I’d go with the former, ma’am.”

    What You [Don't] See Is What You Get

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me find invisible wire?”

    Me: “Oh, fish wire?”

    Customer: “Yes, invisible wire.”

    Me: “Yup, that’s right over here.”

    (I take the customer over, pull one off the hook and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Is this a joke?!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “This isn’t invisible wire! I can see it!”

    Och, A Communal Kilt

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.)

    Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.”

    Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?”

    Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.’”

    Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!”

    Taster’s Choice

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (I was a customer at a store that engraves plaques, trophies, etc. and I witnessed this exchange.)

    Employee: *to another customer* “Hello, can I help you find anything?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a specific plaque design.”

    Employee: “All right, what kind of design are you looking for?”

    Customer: “Uh…I don’t really remember what it looked like. But it tasted really bad.”

    Employee: “…let’s just look over here, shall we?”

    Closing The Barn Door After The Udders Have Gotten Out

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Top

    (A customer comes into our swimsuit store wearing one of our swimsuits, dripping wet. She’s obviously come straight from the pool.)

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a refund for this suit. It’s defective!”

    Me: “What’s the problem with it?”

    (Without hesitating, the customer pulls down the front of the suit, flashing her top to me, the store, and the security cameras. The rest of the customers clear out. She’s attempting to show me that the removable cup liners in the bra have curled up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not a defect. It just curled up. You can straighten it out yourself, or you can go into our changeroom, take off the suit. I’ll fix it and you can put it back on.”

    Customer: “But this suit is defective! I need a refund!”

    (My supervisor comes over and she flashes the store again to show the “defect”.)

    Supervisor: “That’s not a defect, and as it’s clearly posted, there are no refunds on swimwear.”

    Customer: “So I’m just out $90 then? I demand a refund! I did not waste my money on a defective suit!”

    Me: “Those liners are removable. We can just take them out and they won’t roll up on you any more.”

    Customer: “What?! I’ll show my nipples to the whole f***ing pool!”

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