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    Barefoot And Barely Conscious

    , | Winnipeg, Canada |

    Manager: “*** Shoes, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Shoes? What kind of store is this? I have a bill here from you.”

    Manager: “It’s a shoe store.”

    Customer: “A shoe store?”

    Manager: “A shoe store.”

    Customer: “Shoes?”

    Manager: “Yes, a shoe store.”

    Customer: “A masseuse? ”

    Manager: “No, a shoe store.”

    Customer: “What are shoes?”

    Manager: “…you wear them on your feet?”

    Customer: “Shoes?” *pauses* “Oh, shoes! Oh, right! It says that right on my bill here!” *hangs up*

    Viva(cious), Las Vegas

    , | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)

    Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Customer: “The one he made in ’85.”

    Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”

    Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”

    (This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)

    Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”

    Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”

    Me: “How did a dead man play it?”

    Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”

    Music To My Wax-Clogged Ears

    , | Lewisville, TX, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [music store].”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for sheet music to a song called ‘Beautiful Star of Bethlehem’.”

    Me: “I don’t think we have it in stock, but we might be able to order it for you. ”

    Caller: “Can you deliver it to me?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t offer that service. How about I give you a website to go to? You can probably order it from them and have it shipped to your home?”

    Caller: “Okay, what’s the website?”

    Me: “Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. Sheetmusic.com.”

    Me: “No. SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: *I spell it out*

    Caller: “P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Oh, P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No. L as in Larry.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “How do you spell ‘com’?”

    Me: “C-O-M.”

    Caller: “C-L-N?”

    Me: “No, C-O-M.”

    Caller: “Okay, Sheetmusic.com. Thank you very much! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

    Faux-bi-Wan Kenobi

    | Wausau, WI, USA | Top

    (I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

    Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using
    ‘the Force’*
    “Whoosh!”

    (The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

    Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

    Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

    Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

    Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”

    Faux Naturale

    | Kingston, NY, USA |

    Me: “Good morning! What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: *stares*

    Me: “Ma’am, did you need help with something?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “I just turned 21 this week.”

    Customer: “21, eh? You know what I’m going to tell you next, don’t you?”

    Me: “Um, drink more?”

    Customer: “No! I was gonna tell you to shave your eyebrows! You look all…natural.”

    Me: “Oh…thank you?”

    Customer: “A girl your age shouldn’t look natural!”

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