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    The Devil Is Definitely In The Details

    | Decatur, AL, USA |

    Customer: “Where do y’all keep your pedophiles?”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Customer: “You know, PED-IH-FILES!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “Yeah, the pedophiles! They show it on TV… it’s where people trim their dog’s feet!”

    Me: “Oh, Pedi-PAWS. Right this way…”

    What Would Jesus Itemize?

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    (A customer is shopping for his church and his home in the same trip. He splits up the orders while talking with his wife. As I’m finishing the church order, running the credit card and having the gentleman sign, the wife notices an error was made.)

    Wife: “Honey, you put the condoms on the church bill!”

    Husband: “… we’ll scratch it off?”

    Me: “Oh my.”

    Wife: “Oh Jesus is going to hate us now! You can’t put condoms on the church bill, that’s like putting beer on the church account!”

    (She continues to flip out, while I’m refunding the transaction and voiding off the condoms. The next customer in line is staring at the whole exchange.)

    Next customer: “How in the h*** do you people stay sane?!”

    On Second Thought, Mom’s Probably Been Hitting Her Head Too

    , | Amarillo, TX, USA |

    (A woman with a newborn baby walks into the store looking a little disoriented and heads towards the baby swings.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, my child keeps falling out of the swing and hitting her head. Why is that?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, your swing must be defective. Your baby shouldn’t be able to fall out if she’s buckled in and the tray is secured.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to put the tray on?!”

    Stop, Drop & Service The Customer

    | Bournemouth, UK |

    (The fire alarm began to go off, and an old woman came up to my counter.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store, there appears to be a fire upstairs.”

    Customer: “But I want to buy these shoes…”

    Me: “If the fire is contained then you can come back in and buy them later.”

    Customer: “Can you check if you have them in my size?”

    Me: “That’s where the fire is – can you please leave the building now? It’s dangerous to be in here!”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous, all I want you to do is check if you have it in my size!”

    Me: “So let me get this straight: you want me to go upstairs into a burning part of the building, to see if we have some shoes in your size, which are probably currently on fire?”

    Customer: “Is that so much to ask?”

    Me: “Get out.”

    Rage Against The Earless Machine

    , | Hilliard, OH, USA |

    (I overheard this conversation between a self checkout machine and a customer.)

    Self checkout machine: “Please take your items.”

    Customer: “DON’T TELL ME WHAT THE F*** TO DO! WHAT? DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID? YOU THINK I’M JUST GOING TO LEAVE MY S*** HERE?!”

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