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  • Sloth Goes Shopping

    | Jeffersonville, IN, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Store], how can I direct your call?”

    Caller:: “Are you in the store?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller:: “Good. Me too.”

    Me: “Sir, what can I help you with?”

    Caller:: “I need to know where [item] is. I didn’t want to walk around the store to look.”

    Me: “It is in aisle 5, sir.”

    Caller:: “You aren’t going to come and show me? You guys are lazy!” *click*

    Introducing Byte-agra

    | London, UK |

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for…er…a stiffy disk.”

    Me: “I’m sorry–what was it you were after?”

    Customer: “I think it’s called stiffy disk.”

    Me: “Stiffy…wait, do you mean floppy discs?”

    Customer: “Ah, yes! FLOPPY disks!”

    Watch The Fur Fly

    | Concord, CA, USA |

    (We recently stocked realistic-looking toy puppies and kittens in our gift store that are posed as though they’re asleep.)

    Customer #1: “I just want you to know that your business is sick and disgusting! Any company that displays dead animals in their front window deserves to be shut down!”

    Me: “Dead animals, ma’am? We don’t sell real animals, live or dead. We’re primarily a card store.”

    Customer #1: “You have dead dogs and cats in your front window!”

    Me: “Oh, those aren’t real ma’am. They’re toys. They don’t even have real fur; they’re 100% fake.”

    Customer #1: “They look real, and they look like they’re dead! What kind of sick individual would buy something like that?!”

    (Right on cue, a teenage customer comes up with two puppies and a kitten.)

    Customer #2: “Oh my gawd! They’re so cute! I’m buying three!”

    Customer #1: “You are not bringing those dead things into my house!”

    Customer #2: “I guess I found a way to keep you from snooping into my room, huh, mom?”

    About To Get Charged With Battery

    | North Miami, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Technology, Top

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [electronics store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

    Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

    Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

    Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

    Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

    Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

    Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

    Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

    Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

    (I was put on hold for a minute.)

    Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

    Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry.”

    Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

    Empty Boxes And Equally Empty Threats

    | Overland Park, KS, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this, but I don’t have a receipt.”

    Me: “Alright, let me see what I can do.”

    (I notice that she’s trying to return an empty display box, something no employee would have sold to her. It’s thus pretty clear that she shoplifted the box and is now trying to scam us.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t return this.”

    Customer: “Why not?! Just because I don’t have my receipt?”

    Me: “Well, this is an empty box. There is nothing in it.”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I bought it like that! How was I supposed to know it was empty?”

    Me: “There is no way you could have bought it like that. None of the employees here would have sold that to you.”

    Customer: “Well, they did sell it to me! You have to give me the money back. This is ridiculous!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, tell you what. Let me see your driver’s license. I’ll make a copy of it and run it through our machine and see if I can give you a refund then.”

    Customer: “Uh…I left my license in my car. I’ll just…uh…go outside and get it.”

    (The customer bolts from the store while leaving the stolen display box on the counter, jumps into her car and speeds off.)

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