Freudian (Pay) Slip

| Latham, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Uncategorized

(I am ringing up a mother and her son.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, your total is $**.**.”

Son: “Wow, that is so much money! You’re taking all my momma’s money!”

Me: “Actually, your mother is paying for the items that she just purchased, and I’m not the one who gets the money anyways.”

Son: “Do you think I’m dumb? You get all the money; why else would you be here?”

Me: “The money that is paid here is made by the company. I’m here because the company pays me to check out customers.”

Son: “That’s stupid. You should get to keep the money.”

(As I’m about to respond, the mother chimes in.)

Mother: “Just ignore him, he’s stupid.”

How Not To Courier Favor In The Marriage

| Flint, MI, USA | Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

(A customer calls about a delivery.)

Me: “Ma’am we can’t guarantee your delivery by any certain time. If you look at the order you’ll see it says estimated delivery date.”

Caller: “I don’t care what it says. All I know is that it says today’s date between 8 am and 5 pm.”

Me: “Ma’am, that was just the estimated date. Your order will be to your house on Monday.”

Caller: “Are you stupid? It has today’s date on it.”

Me: “Is there anyone else in your home that I can speak to about this?”

Caller: “My husband, hang on.”

(She puts husband on the phone.)

Me: “Sir, could you please explain to your wife that the delivery is not guaranteed today? The date on the order is an estimate and it will be there on Monday.”

Caller’s Husband: *yelling at wife* “God d*** can’t you f***ing read! It says estimated date right there. It will be here Monday! Tell the guy you’re sorry for being a dumba**.”

(He puts wife back on the phone.)

Caller: “I’m sorry I didn’t see that. Have a nice night.” *click*

Not The Brightest Bulb In The Box

| South Carolina, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement, Uncategorized

Customer: “I would like to return this flashlight.”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s too hard to take apart.”

Me: “Why did you take it apart?”

Customer: “I wanted to know if it was easy to take apart.”

Pills For Thrills Don’t Work On Tills

| South Carolina, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Uncategorized

(A customer comes up to the register angry and acting pretty drunk.)

Customer: “I bought this purse from you guys, and whenever I go to a store the alarm goes off! You need to fix it!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’ve removed the sensor when you purchased it. You should be fine. It must be something inside your purse.”

Customer: “No! It’s the purse! D*** fix it!”

Me: “Ma’am, you really need to calm down. Our door alarm didn’t go off when you entered the store.”

Customer: “That’s because it only happens at other stores!”

Me: “Well, the only other option is to take your purse apart. I don’t think you want to do that. Are you sure you don’t have any prescription drugs or CDs in there? Those can sometimes trigger the alarm.”

Customer: “I have pills, but they’re not exactly prescription.”

*awkward silence before the customer realizes what they have said*

Customer: “F**k you. I’m not going to jail for this!” *storms out*

Bride Denied

| Iowa City, IA, USA | Money, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

(Two women walk in.)

Me: “Hi how can I help you?”

Customer: “We’d like to return this dinnerware set. It comes from a registry so here that is also.”

Me: “Okay. Is there anything wrong with it?”

Customer: “No, we just decided we didn’t like the bride that much.”

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