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    A Time To Laugh, But Mostly A Time To Cry

    , | United Kingdom |

    (A woman and her three year old daughter leave the changing room and approach my counter. She looks to be flustered and in a hurry.)

    Me: “Hi there, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Just this, please.” *hands me her items*

    Me: “That’s £49.96, please.”

    (The woman frantically searches her bag for her purse and almost turfs the contents out onto the floor.)

    Customer: “I can’t find my purse.”

    Me: “It’s okay, take your time. Perhaps you left it in the changing room?”

    Customer: “No, I didn’t leave anything in there! Here it is.”

    (She hands me her credit card, I complete the transaction and hand her her purchases.)

    Me: “Here you go. Thank you for visiting today.”

    Customer: *nervous smile* “Thank you.”

    (The woman walks away hastily. Just before she gets to the shop door, her daughter speaks up.)

    Customer’s daughter: “But mummy, we did leave something in the changing room!”

    Customer: *starts walking quicker* “Shhh!”

    Customer’s daughter: *triumphantly* “We left my poo in there!”

    (The woman grabs the child by the hand and runs out of the shop. My colleague and I run over to the changing room to see for ourselves. Sure enough, in the corner of one of the changing rooms, there is a small pile of poo. We didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.)

    Friends With Benefits, Cards With Innuendos

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find a certain section?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a card.”

    Me: “Okay. What type of card?”

    Customer: “Well, there is this guy and he is my friend…but not really…and I want to get him a special card.”

    Me: “Okay, I’m not sure I understand. Do you want a friendship card?”

    Customer: “No. Oh my God, he would hate that! It’s just that…we’re friends, but not really. Like, we’re more than friends.”

    Me: “So, your boy–”

    Customer: “OH, GOD NO! He’s not my boyfriend. We just have a lot of sex, and I want to get him a card…for that.”

    Me: “Ma’am…I don’t think we actually make ‘Sex Buddy Cards’.”

    Customer: *long pause*

    Me: “Maybe a ‘Thank You’ card?”

    Customer: *runs from store*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Just Plain Queue-pid

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (It’s a busy day, and we already have several customers lined up for the registers. A customer at the back of the line is trying to get a coworker’s attention.)

    Customer: “Hey! Excuse me! I want to buy this!”

    Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, but there are people in front of you. You’ll have to wait until they’re finished first.”

    Customer: “What?! Why do they get to go first?”

    Coworker: “Because they were here first?”

    Customer: “Nuh-uh! You don’t know that!”

    Coworker: “Yes, I do…”

    (They go back and forth for a few minutes before my coworker gives up.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, they get to go first because they got dibs on the registers. ”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get dibs after them?”

    Coworker: “Well, okay.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    No Dimes Like The Present

    | Southfield, MI, USA |

    (It’s my first day, and the place I’m working at has me doing registers. A lady comes up with a full cart with approximately $400 worth of merchandise. I run her credit card through, and it gets denied.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, your card isn’t being accepted by our system.”

    Customer: “But it should be working! It doesn’t expire until 2010!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, it seems your card might be maxed out. The expiration date won’t really help there.”

    Customer: “…but it’s good until 2010!”

    Co-worker: “Ma’am, there’s nothing he can do. Either find another way to pay for your purchase or leave the merchandise here.”

    Customer: “All right, I’ll write a check, but I’m going to call [credit card company] and complain. They gave me a bad credit card! It’s not supposed to expire until 2010!”

    (Surprisingly, the check went through.)

    Walk Loudly And Carry A Sharp Stick

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (A couple comes up to me looking for something to help against attacking cougars. I recommend bear spray, a high-power pepper spray to repel predators.)

    Customer: “Nah, we don’t need bear spray. Sometimes that stuff just pisses them off, y’know?”

    Me: “Well, in some rare cases–”

    Customer: “Hey what are those?” *points at 18″ machetes*

    Me: “Those are machetes.”

    Customer: “That’s perfect! That’s just what we ened. If there’s a cougar we don’t need no Bear Spray! We’ll just fight ‘em off with this!”

    Me: “Okay…you sure you wouldn’t like some bear spray, too? Just as a first option?”

    Customer: “Nah, sometimes that just pisses them off!”

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