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    The Funny Pharm-acy

    | United Kingdom |

    (I work in a shopping mall. On my lunch break, I visit the pharmacy. A woman runs into me.)

    Customer: “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

    Me: “In my cupboard.”

    Customer: “How dare you talk to me that way! I want to talk to your manager!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “Oh, so now you’re going to get into trouble, it’s ‘I don’t work here’, eh?”

    Me: *pointing to the company logo on my shirt* “No, I genuinely do not work here. I work in [shop name], see?”

    Customer: “So you don’t wear your uniform either? Where’s your manager?” *turns to make-up counter employee* “Are you her manager, missy?”

    Make-up Counter Employee: “Yes, yes I am.” *turns to me, winking* “Don’t do that again.”

    Customer: “Thank you! See, now I can shop here again!” *to make-up counter employee* “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

    Lost & (Dumb)Found

    | Kansas, USA |

    (A customer calls our store claiming she’s lost her phone. The routine is to replace the phone if insured, to give them a loaner phone for a few weeks, or to sell them another phone. She has turned down all of those options.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else we can do for you besides giving you a loaner phone or selling you another one.”

    Customer: “No, I have a replacement.”

    Me: “Maybe I’m misunderstanding. Why are you calling us?”

    Customer: “I lost my phone.”

    Me: “…and you already have a replacement for it?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Were you calling to ask if you left it here?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I really don’t understand what you’re asking me to do.”

    Customer: “Where’s my phone?”

    Me: “We have no way of tracking where your phone is at any given time. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “But I lost my phone. Where is it?”

    Me: “I’m truly sorry, but unless you’re wanting another phone to replace your old one, I really can’t help you.”

    Customer: “So can you transfer me to your lost and found, then?”

    Me: “How about I give you our customer service number, and maybe they can help you out?”

    Customer: “Okay…”

    (Afterwards, as I was making a memo in the account, I noticed that she’d already called customer service twice. Both times, the call rep had told her we had no way to track her phone down by satellite, network towers, or police scanners.)

    Domestically Dimwitted

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    (Our store is famous for our women’s scents. I see a male customer looking uncomfortable.)

    Customer: “Uh, miss? Can you help me?”

    Me: “Of course. Who is it that you are shopping for today?”

    Customer: “Well, we had a Secret Santa thing at the office, and I got this guy…um…he’s the kind of person with a domestic partner.”

    Me: “Oh! I gotcha! We’ve got some great pre-made gift sets in the men’s department. There’s a wonderful shaving set and body washes, too.”

    (I lead him to the men’s section. On the way, the customer sees a flowery red and pink gift box with one of our most popular woman’s fragrances inside.)

    Customer: “What about this one? These are on sale, right?”

    Me: “Well yes, but that’s really a more feminine fragrance, a strong floral. Let me show you–”

    Customer: “No, no, no. DO-MES-TIC PART-NER. I really think he’ll like this one better. You know, cause he’s…well, you know…”

    Me: “Sir, we could set up a gift card for you. That way, he can pick out his own body care since you are unsure.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you understand me. He’s…the guy is gay. I’ll take this one.”

    (To the unfortunate gift recipient: I am so terribly sorry! I’ll be thinking of you this Christmas!)

    There Can Be Only One

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I am a manager in a department store. I’m returning a call to a customer who has a complaint.)

    Me: “Hi, this is *** calling from [department store] to follow up with your concern.”

    Customer: “Yes, I was in your store yesterday and I had to wait in line forever. I had a coupon that expired at 1 pm. I got tired of waiting, so I just left.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you mind telling me in which area you were trying to pay?”

    Customer: “All over. The lines were long everywhere. I’m thinking about cutting up the credit card I have with you all!”

    Me: “Well, I do want to thank you for letting me know. We had tried to make sure that someone was scheduled to ring at every register, and it looks like we have some opportunity to improve that.”

    Customer: “Oh, every register had someone ringing at it. There were plenty of sales people.”

    Me: “Well…uh…how can I help you then?”

    Customer: “There were just too many customers in your store!”

    Olfactional Hazards

    , | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer comes up to me with a knitted poncho.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this 100% wool?”

    Me: “No, it’s 100% acrylic.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? It feels like wool.”

    Me: “It does, but it is acrylic. I saw the tag before it came off.”

    Customer: “But it feels so much like the scarf I’m wearing right now, and that one is 100% wool. It even smells like wool. Smell it!”

    Me: “Um, my nose isn’t good enough to distinguish between wool and acrylic. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, smell it! Then, smell my scarf.” *sniffs both the poncho and scarf* “See, they smell the same.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

    Customer: “No, smell my scarf. Smell it!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “SMELL MY SCARF!”

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