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    The Oracle At Register Five

    | Kansas, USA |

    (I’m helping out a backup cashier as he checks a customer out.)

    Me: “Corn is 4078.”

    Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What are the melons?”

    Me: “4050.”

    Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What’s watermelon?”

    Me: “4032.”

    Customer: “What’s the winning lottery numbers?”

    Me: “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be working here!”

    Customer: “It was worth a shot.”

    As The Checkout Line Churns

    , | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Top

    (I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

    Me: “Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

    Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

    Me: “Oh, I was joking, we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

    Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

    Me: “Uhhh…I’m no–”

    Customer: “Do you have a brother named [brother's name]?”

    Me: “Yes, actually…”

    Customer: “Is your mother [mom's name]?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah…”

    Customer: “And your father’s name is [my estranged father's name]?”

    Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

    Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you, I’m your step-mother!”

    (The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they were watching a soap opera.)

    Me: “Oh, God…please don’t tell my father I work here.”

    Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

    Me: “Uh…no?”

    Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [my stepfather]!”

    (The line behind her gasps again.)

    Me: “Oh, okay…”

    Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

    Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

    Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

    Me: “Okay, well–”

    Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

    Me: *speechless*

    Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

    Me: *still speechless*

    Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

    Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

    Me, to my boss: “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

    Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

    Double The 60Hz, Double The Fun

    , | Panama City, FL, USA | Top

    (I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)

    Me: “Welcome to [electronics store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

    Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46″ TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”

    Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”

    Husband: “Mostly porn.”

    Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”

    Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”

    Wife: “Why’s that?”

    Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    When Customers Shop Past Their Naptime

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I can’t believe I had to open the door on my way in! It opens for me on the way out. Customers shouldn’t have to open doors.”

    Me: “But sir, if the ‘In’ door was automatic, it would smack you in the face.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! I shouldn’t be expected to open my own doors.”

    Me: “Well, you could always use the handicapped button. That will open the door for you.”

    Customer: *stomps his foot* “No! No! No! No!”

    (The customer leaves looking at me expectantly and pointing at the automatic door on his way out.)

    Wild Creatures Of The Stupid Kingdom

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (I was shopping in a comic book store with my brother when a female customer approached me.)

    Girl: “You know what I’m going to do in college?”

    Me: “Er, what?”

    Girl: “I’m going to bark after every word when talking to the first person I see! Then they’ll go to my friends and say ‘Hey, where’s ****, the girl who barks?’, and nobody will know what they mean!”

    Me: “Uh…okay. Good idea.”

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