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    Visual Innuendos

    | Norway |

    Me: “Hello, may I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Ah, yes, please. I have no idea what I’m looking for really.”

    Me: “What room are you thinking about redecorating?”

    Customer: “My bedroom. It’s just so plain boring. I need some action! Action around the bed, you know?”

    Me: “Oh…yeah.”

    Customer: *pauses* “Wall…on the wall! I meant action on the wall!”

    Baaah-laboring The Obvious

    , | Baton Rouge, LA, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have any kid’s shoes?”

    Me: *thinking she’s referring to a similar-sounding brand* “Yes. They are right over here.”

    Customer: “No, not these. Kid’s shoes!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The youth department is over here.”

    Customer: “No, not kid’s, kid’s!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, are you looking for the brand, or kid’s shoes?”

    Customer: “Kid’s!”

    Me: *showing her the brand* “Is this what you are looking for?”

    Customer: “Yes. Do you have them in kid’s?”

    Me: “No, we do not have kid’s sizes.

    Customer: “I am not looking for kid’s sizes! I am looking for some to fit me!”

    Me: *confused* “These are our adult shoes…the youth section is over there.”

    Customer: “Do you even know what a kid is?”

    Me: “No?”

    Customer: “A kid is a baby goat! I am looking for shoes made out of baby goat skin!”

    Barefoot And Barely Conscious

    , | Winnipeg, Canada |

    Manager: “*** Shoes, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Shoes? What kind of store is this? I have a bill here from you.”

    Manager: “It’s a shoe store.”

    Customer: “A shoe store?”

    Manager: “A shoe store.”

    Customer: “Shoes?”

    Manager: “Yes, a shoe store.”

    Customer: “A masseuse? ”

    Manager: “No, a shoe store.”

    Customer: “What are shoes?”

    Manager: “…you wear them on your feet?”

    Customer: “Shoes?” *pauses* “Oh, shoes! Oh, right! It says that right on my bill here!” *hangs up*

    Viva(cious), Las Vegas

    , | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)

    Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Customer: “The one he made in ’85.”

    Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”

    Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”

    (This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)

    Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”

    Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”

    Me: “How did a dead man play it?”

    Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”

    Music To My Wax-Clogged Ears

    , | Lewisville, TX, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [music store].”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for sheet music to a song called ‘Beautiful Star of Bethlehem’.”

    Me: “I don’t think we have it in stock, but we might be able to order it for you. ”

    Caller: “Can you deliver it to me?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t offer that service. How about I give you a website to go to? You can probably order it from them and have it shipped to your home?”

    Caller: “Okay, what’s the website?”

    Me: “Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. Sheetmusic.com.”

    Me: “No. SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: *I spell it out*

    Caller: “P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Oh, P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No. L as in Larry.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “How do you spell ‘com’?”

    Me: “C-O-M.”

    Caller: “C-L-N?”

    Me: “No, C-O-M.”

    Caller: “Okay, Sheetmusic.com. Thank you very much! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

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