Not Always Right on Facebook Not Always Right on Twitter Not Always Right Unfiltered on Tumblr
Featured Story:
  • Your Connection Is Totally Forked
    (2,000 thumbs up)
  • November Theme Of The Month: I Don't Work Here!
    Submit your story today!

    That’s A Lot Of Tubes

    , | Los Angeles, CA |

    (A customer enters our pawn shop, and I motion her over to my counter.)

    Me: “What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I wanna pawn my internet.”

    Me: “Do you mean your computer? If it’s complete and relatively new we’ll take it. You just have to bring it in so we can test it out first.”

    Customer: *getting angry* “No, man, my internet!”

    Me: “Umm…do you mean your modem? Because we don’t take modems or routers by themselves.”

    Customer: “No man, I wanna pawn my internet! My INTERNET!”

    Me: “Like…your AOL account or something? We can’t do that either.”

    Customer: “No! I wanna pawn my internet, man! THE INTERNET!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you can actually bring me the internet, I’ll give you $100 out of my own wallet and you can keep it.”

    Customer: *happy again* “Okay, I’ll be right back!”

    (She never came back.)

    Related:
    Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google
    Internet = Tubes, Word = Sheets

    Keep The Paranoia, Keep The Stress

    | Florida, USA |

    (Our tea store hands out free samples in the mall in small two ounce cups to people walking by the store. An older woman walks by one day.)

    Me: “Would you like to try some tea, ma’am?”

    Customer: *smiling* “Why yes! I love tea! What flavors do you have?”

    Me: “Well, I have a relaxing green tea, and…”

    (At this point the woman’s expression changes and she cuts me off mid-sentence, waving her hand in my face.)

    Customer: “Oh forget it! I don’t want to relax! Forget it! You should be ashamed!” *storms off*

    Butthead, The Incontinence Years

    | Loveland, CO, USA |

    (I notice a customer is standing in front of a freezer. After remaining there for several minutes, I get concerned.)

    Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

    (At this point, I notice that he’s urinated in the freezer. The customer turns around, zips up his fly, and then pulls his shirt over his head.)

    Customer: “I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR ME BUNGHOLE!” *runs away*

    Coworker: “They don’t pay us enough for this.”

    Betsy Ross 2.0

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer has been staring doubtfully at one of our wall maps of the United States. I witness him frowning speculatively and then counting each state slowly.)

    Me: “Sir, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “It seems your map of the U.S. is out of date. There aren’t enough states.”

    Me: “Hmm. That’s odd. Let me see.”

    (I examine the map, but can find nothing amiss.)

    Me: “Nope, it looks perfect to me. Is there something I’m missing?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there’s only fifty states on this map.”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “But there are fifty-two states. Alaska and Hawaii were fifty-one and fifty-two. They’re on the map; I just can’t figure out which ones are missing…”

    Me: “…none of them are missing, sir. The United States has only fifty states. Look, we have flags too. For every state, there’s a star.”

    (He proceeds to count every star on the flag. In disgust, he puts the flag away.)

    Customer: “Your flags are out of date too! I’m telling you there are fifty-two states in the USA! You need to update your merchandise and learn about your country!” *storms out*

    Cute Question, Catastrophic Consequences

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I am of Eastern European descent and many languages from that area have similarities. Two women come to my counter speaking a language I can somewhat understand.)

    Me: “Good day! Can I ask where you’re from? I can understand a few of the words you were saying.”

    Customer: “Where are you from?”

    Me: “I’m from ***, part of former Yugoslavia.”

    Customer: “Guess where I’m from!”

    Me: “Oh no, I can’t.¬†I’m pretty bad at guessing that sort of thing.”

    Customer: “Guess!”

    Me: “No, no.¬†I’ll get it wrong. Nevermind.”

    Customer: “Just guess! Who cares if you get it wrong?”

    Me: “I don’t want to insult you if I’m really off in guessing.”

    Customer: “Just try!¬†I’m not going to get mad!”

    Me: “Okay, are you from Serbia?”

    Customer: ¬†angrily* “Serbia?! I should beat you for such an insult!”

    Page 308/418First...306307308309310...Last