Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
    (2,907 thumbs up)
  • Cash For Baby Bumpers

    | Sterling, VA, USA |

    (I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)

    Me: “Stop that!”

    (I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)

    Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken 2 bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”

    Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”

    Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”

    Sloth Goes Shopping

    | Jeffersonville, IN, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Store], how can I direct your call?”

    Caller:: “Are you in the store?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller:: “Good. Me too.”

    Me: “Sir, what can I help you with?”

    Caller:: “I need to know where [item] is. I didn’t want to walk around the store to look.”

    Me: “It is in aisle 5, sir.”

    Caller:: “You aren’t going to come and show me? You guys are lazy!” *click*

    Introducing Byte-agra

    | London, UK |

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for…er…a stiffy disk.”

    Me: “I’m sorry–what was it you were after?”

    Customer: “I think it’s called stiffy disk.”

    Me: “Stiffy…wait, do you mean floppy discs?”

    Customer: “Ah, yes! FLOPPY disks!”

    Watch The Fur Fly

    | Concord, CA, USA |

    (We recently stocked realistic-looking toy puppies and kittens in our gift store that are posed as though they’re asleep.)

    Customer #1: “I just want you to know that your business is sick and disgusting! Any company that displays dead animals in their front window deserves to be shut down!”

    Me: “Dead animals, ma’am? We don’t sell real animals, live or dead. We’re primarily a card store.”

    Customer #1: “You have dead dogs and cats in your front window!”

    Me: “Oh, those aren’t real ma’am. They’re toys. They don’t even have real fur; they’re 100% fake.”

    Customer #1: “They look real, and they look like they’re dead! What kind of sick individual would buy something like that?!”

    (Right on cue, a teenage customer comes up with two puppies and a kitten.)

    Customer #2: “Oh my gawd! They’re so cute! I’m buying three!”

    Customer #1: “You are not bringing those dead things into my house!”

    Customer #2: “I guess I found a way to keep you from snooping into my room, huh, mom?”

    About To Get Charged With Battery

    | North Miami, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Technology, Top

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [electronics store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

    Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

    Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

    Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

    Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

    Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

    Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

    Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

    Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

    (I was put on hold for a minute.)

    Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

    Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry.”

    Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

    Page 308/425First...306307308309310...Last