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    Not A Grain Of Sense

    | DE, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (An obviously drunk customer wanders into my fragrance shop in the local farmers’ market.)

    Customer: “Do you sell grain alcohol in here?”

    Me: “No, sir, but there is a liquor store and a pharmacy across the street.”

    Customer: “Does anyone sell grain alcohol in here?”

    Me: “No, sir. It is only legal to sell that product in drugstores or liquor stores in this state.”

    (I’m trying hard to convince myself that the man needs it for his child’s science experiment, or to fuel a bottle rocket. He is peering woozily at my shelves full of fragrances for men and women.)

    Customer: “Can you drink any of this stuff?”

    Affording A New Degree Of Understanding

    , | Scranton, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, School

    (I’m in my mid 20s, and have been the general manager of a dollar store for about three years. One afternoon, I took over the register to allow my associate a 15 minute break. My first customer gives me a look of pity.)

    Customer: “Bet you wish you went to college.”

    (This is not an out of the ordinary remark, so I smile as I respond.)

    Me: “I did! Had a lot of fun, too!”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I bet you wish you graduated.”

    Me: “…I did.”

    (The customer is starting to get a little snotty at this point.)

    Customer: “Bet you wish you had graduated with a real degree, then.”

    (I’m getting angry at this point, because he is very obviously trying to make me feel bad about a job I love.)

    Me: “Sir, I graduated from [State College], with honors, with a Bachelor’s degree in forensic chemistry.”

    Customer: *shocked* “But why would you work HERE?!”

    Me: “Because, for some reason, I like it. But then people like you come in. Will that be all for you today?”

    (The customer, face red, quickly paid for his items, and left. I haven’t seen him since!)

    That’s How You Wish The Cookie Crumbled

    | Acton, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

    (I am on checkout.)

    Customer: *notices the shopping carts full of items other customers didn’t want* “What are all those?”

    Me: “These are things other people decided they didn’t want.”

    Customer: *looks confused* “That’s strange.”

    Me: “Well, it’s better that they bring them up here for us to put away then leave them on a random place on the shelf.”

    Customer: *looks confused and surprised* “Why would people do that? Why not just put it back where they found it.”

    Me: “They’re lazy? Or they can’t find where it goes.”

    Customer: *quietly looks confused*

    Me: “Have you ever worked retail?”

    Customer: “No, never.”

    Me: “…Huh. Normally it’s only people who’ve worked retail that do that, because they know what it’s like.” *I finish bagging their stuff and give them their receipt* “Here you go. Have a good holiday.”

    Customer: “Thank you. You, too.”

    Me: *to myself* “We need something like cookies we can give out to good customers.”

    A Significantly Delayed Light-Bulb Moment

    | MO, USA | Bizarre

    (Due to new government regulations, a number of light bulbs have been discontinued. We still sell them but will not get more in stock once the ones we have are gone. Because of this, a number of people have been buying them in large numbers. A customer approaches my register with his arms full of them.)

    Me: “Oh, stocking up, eh?”

    Customer: “Everyone is going to get mercury poisoning from CFL bulbs. And LED bulbs don’t work.”

    Me: “Oh, I don’t know, I have LED bulbs in my house, and they work fine—”

    Customer: “Global warming is a farce!”

    Me: “Um… what?”

    Customer: “We are seventeen years into an ice age! Soon people will be wishing they had these light bulbs to heat their houses!”

    Me: “Oh… okay… Well, you have a good day, sir.”

    Babying The Customers

    | LA, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (I used to own a small shop that made custom t-shirts. I am now retired… Customers like this one are one of the reasons:)

    Customer: *holding up a child’s tee shirt* “Do you think this will fit my baby?”

    Me: *looking around, no child in sight* “Sure. Perfect fit.”

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