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    Depressing Customer Service

    | CO, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (A customer and her five-ish-year-old son are checking out at my register. There is a magazine display nearby. One of the magazines’ cover is a tribute to a comedian who recently committed suicide.)

    Customer’s Son: *pointing at the magazine* “Mommy, he died. Did you know he died?”

    Customer: “Yes, it was very sad.”

    Son: “He committed suicide. What does ‘committed suicide’ mean?”

    Customer: “It means he hurt himself badly. Now, let’s go.

    Son: “He hurted himself and died? I don’t understand. Can I skin my knee and die?!”

    Customer: “No, it’s not like that. He was very sad.”

    Son: “What? He died of being sad? Why was he sad? Someone said he was ‘depressed.’ What is ‘depressed?’”

    Customer: *to me* “Can you explain this to him? I don’t want to.”

    Me: “Um, well, I don’t really feel comfortable doing that; I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “What? I hate this store. You’re so unhelpful. I’ll be talking to your corporate office.” *drags son out the door*

    (I think even corporate will agree that explaining mental illness to a customer’s five-year-old is not my job.)

    Not Feeling Neutral About Your Parking

    | NB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

    (It is the day before Good Friday, and the store is packed full of people. Obviously, so is the parking lot. A cart pusher has just brought in a handful of carts, and a greeter is tagging bags. One customer, already looking angry, heads straight to the elder greeter and tries to hand her his car keys.)

    Customer: “Go park my car.”

    Greeter: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t offer a valet service here.”

    Customer: “There’s no f****** parking spaces. Go park my f****** car!”

    Greeter: “Sir, I just got back from work after having a heart attack. What makes you think I’m going to be able to drive your car, let alone find you a parking space, when you haven’t?”

    Cart Pusher: “Where is your car right now? Parking in the fire lane makes working and shopping here dangerous. I can have you towed.”

    (Customer went beet red and left, hopefully back to his car!)

    Very Time (Un)Conscious, Part 2

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Time

    Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name] from [Store]. I’m just calling to let you know your special order has arrived, and you can pick that up at your convenience.”

    Customer: “Can I come in tomorrow afternoon?”

    Me: “Absolutely! Whenever it’s convenient for you. We’ll see you then!”

    Customer: “But what time?”

    Me: “Whenever you wish, sir. We close at six tomorrow, if that helps.”

    Customer: “But I want to come before then! Can’t I come in the afternoon?”

    Me: “Absolutely! You don’t have to make an appointment. We’ll hold it as long as you need us to. We won’t sell it or send it back, I promise. You’ve already paid in full, so it’s yours.”

    Customer: “But what TIME should I come?”

    Me: *giving up* “How about two?”

    Customer: “Two in the afternoon?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Tomorrow?”

    Me: “Yes. Have a good day!”

    Customer: “Bye. I’ll be there tomorrow at two.”

    (He didn’t show up to claim his item for three weeks.)

    Very Time (Un)Conscious

    Been Ladle-fed Her Entire Life

    | New Ulm, MN, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (I am called over by a customer to the kitchen department.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for a metal ladle. I need it to match my other utensils.”

    Me: *showing her the three plastic ladles we have, no metal ones* “Sorry, it seems we only have plastic ones, not metal. You could possibly check online.”

    Customer: *clearly annoyed* “No, I need a metal ladle. I don’t want to go online for any crap you’re trying to sell me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We’re a lot smaller than other stores. We don’t have as large of a variety as the other ones do.”

    Customer: “I need my ladle. You’ll order one for me and I’ll be here to pick it up in three days exactly.”

    Me: “We can’t do that, ma’am. We have thing shipped to us through a system. We get bulk orders of items that the systems recognizes we need, whether we have run out or they are sent for a new season.”

    Customer: “I’ll be back in three days.” *to her daughter in the cart* “The customer is always right, sweetie. You demand, and then you get. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I’ll get my ladle and they can’t do anything about it.”

    (She walked away while I tried to explain there was no way we could order one of an item, again…)

    Bring You Bach To The Future

    , | MN, USA | History, Musical Mayhem, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

    Caller: *has a strange, whistly and whiny voice* ” Hi, I’d like some organ music by Bach, played by Bach.”

    Me: “Well, we have a lot of recordings of Bach’s organ music but we don’t have any of him performing it.”

    Caller: “Well, why not?”

    Me: “Recording technology hadn’t been invented when Bach was alive.                 ”

    Caller: “Well, why not?”

    Me: “Well, in the late 1800′s, Thomas Edison invented—”

    Caller: “[My Name], it’s [Coworker].”

    (One of my coworkers had played the perfect music nerd prank on me!)

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