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  • Cancelling Out The Stupid

    | Online | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (We are running a promotion with a discount code, so we always get a lot of calls when this occurs from people who are having difficulty redeeming the coupon.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [Business]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I assist you?”

    Customer: “You know, you guys, you send these discounts, and they just never work, and I, you know, I want to cancel my order.”

    Me: “Sorry you’re having some difficulty with that. Would you like me to see if I can help you place the order?”

    Customer: “No, I just want to cancel it. I’m tired of hearing from all of these places that it’s ‘user error.’”

    Me: “I understand. What was your order number?”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “Your order number. I’d be happy to cancel it for you so you aren’t charged at all, since you couldn’t use the discount code.”

    Customer: “I don’t have an order number.”

    Me: “I can look it up by your last name, then.”

    (I can’t find an order from that last name. I try asking more and more obvious questions, like ‘are you sure you placed an order on this website?’ since literally hundreds of customers have used the code with no difficulty.)

    Customer: “I just got fed up because I couldn’t find a place to put the code, and then it wouldn’t accept it, so I just closed the window.”

    Me: “So you’re saying you never actually placed an order?”

    Customer: “No, I just closed your crappy website.”

    Me: “Sir… if you didn’t place an order, we don’t have anything to cancel.”

    Customer: “Why won’t you let me cancel my order?”

    Me: “If you haven’t placed an order, there’s nothing for us to cancel. You just… don’t place the order.”

    Customer: “So you’re saying you won’t cancel my order?”

    Me: “No, I’m saying that there’s no order to cancel.” *I’m reaching here* “Say you were in line at a sub shop, and then you decided you wanted McDonald’s instead. You don’t have to go to the register at the sub shop to tell them you’re leaving if they didn’t make a sandwich for you, right?”

    Customer: “I don’t want a d*** sandwich. I just want to cancel my order!”

    (I pause.)

    Me: “Okay, your order has been cancelled.”

    (Click.)

    A Plate Of Justice With Extra Dressing

    | UT, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

    (I am a cashier at a shop that specializes in fine clothing, like for proms and weddings. As such we have MANY white dresses made from materials that are easily soiled.)

    Me: “Welcome to [Bridal Store]. How may I help you?”

    Mother: “I just wanted to see what kind of dresses you have. I’m getting married soon.”

    Me: “Congratulations! My supervisor is just over there, and she can help you out with anything you need.”

    (At this point, I notice that a small boy followed her in, and he is carrying one of those family-sized bags of cheesy snacks. I can immediately predict this turning sour.)

    Me: “Ma’am, if you’d like, we have a room in the back that your son can play in. We have a selection of toys and movies that he may like.”

    Mother: “It’ll be fine. [Son] is a dearie, and he won’t mess anything up.”

    (I just shrug it off, but try to keep an eye on the little boy. My attention is diverted by a lady purchasing a bow tie for her husband. By the time I am done with her, the little boy is nowhere to be seen, and I assume that he has gotten bored and gone into the room to play. After a while, the lady comes back up with a layaway check and a girdle.)

    Me: “Thank you for making us your choice for your wedding dress. Your total is [total].”

    Mother: “You haven’t seen my son, have you?”

    Me: “He’s probably in the room in the back. You’re welcome to go back there if you’d like.”

    Mother: “I’ll get him after I’m done here.”

    (She proceeds to finish her order, gets her son, and leaves. I still feel uneasy about the little boy with the big bag of food.)

    Me: “[Owner], I’m going to check inventory. I kinda feel off about that little boy.

    (I get up and start searching the dresses, and find at least a half dozen dresses of varying styles and colors, a bunch of tablecloths, and even the dressing room mirrors with nice, smeary orange hand prints. I gather the dresses and cloths up and show them to my boss.)

    Owner: *takes one look* “Put them with her dress in layaway. She just chose her bridesmaid dresses.”

    (She later came back and tried to contest the extra dresses, claiming that they’re “not the ones she wanted,” and even threatened to report us to our local Better Business Bureau for “framing her innocent child.” Regardless, none of it worked. As a final attempt to make us feel bad, she gave us a picture of her bridesmaids and her wearing all those soiled dresses. We framed it.)

    Not Quite Free For The Taking

    | SD, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

    (At the store where I work, you almost always have to buy two of an item to get the sale price. Sometimes we can make an exception if we don’t have two of the sale item in the store, but it’s not very common. A customer comes to my register and sets two things on the counter.)

    Customer: “Can I only buy ONE of these to get the sale price? I only need one!”

    Me: “Well, you’ll probably have to buy both… What’s the sale on them?”

    Customer: “Buy one, get one free.”

    Fifty Shades Of (Christian) Grey

    | OR, USA | Books & Reading, Religion, Rude & Risque

    (I work at an accessories store in a mall. There is a Christian store that specializes in books and movies right across from our store, and next to the bathrooms. After directing a customer to the bathrooms, she comes rushing back in with her eyes wide and her cheeks flushed.)

    Customer: “Is that the only bookstore in the mall?”

    Me: “Oh, that’s not actually a bookstore. That’s a Christian store.”

    Customer: “Oh. That explains why the cashier got so angry when I asked where to find Fifty Shades of Grey.”

    Will Pay For That Later

    | ND, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money

    (I’m making a big coupon trip to a big-box retailer, a really big trip I’ve been planning for the better part of a week. I have a couple hundred items in my cart, and just as many coupons that need to be scanned. As the cashier starts scanning, I let anyone who gets in line behind me know that I have a lot of coupons and that my checkout will take a while so they might want to get in another line. They all decide to go to another line, until…)

    Me: “I’ve got a few hundred coupons that are going to need to be scanned after he’s done ringing up my items.” *waves big stack of coupons* “So this will be a while. You might want to get in another line.”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do. This register has the shortest line. I’m checking out here.”

    Me: “All right, just wanted to let you know the coupons were going to take a bit to scan.”

    (In a few minutes, the cashier has finished ringing up all my items.)

    Cashier: “Your total is $1,760.43.”

    Me: “Okay. Here are my coupons.”

    (The customer behind me groans loudly and mutters something about ‘people who can’t afford to just buy things.’ As the cashier continues to scan my coupons, she gets more pissed off and more impatient.)

    Me: “I’m sorry this is taking so long. This is why I suggested you might want to get in another line.”

    Customer: “YOU should have gotten in another line, you dumb b****! I don’t know who the f*** you coupon b****es think you are, making those of us who work for a living wait for you so you can get 50 cents off your stupid crap. You’re just wasting my time, you stupid b****!”

    (The rant continues while the cashier continues to scan my coupons. The cashier and I just roll our eyes at each other about the woman’s behavior and let her rant at us. Finally, after about 15 minutes, the cashier scans the final coupon and announces my savings.)

    Cashier: “All right, so from $1,760, you’re down to $132.73, and you’ve earned $245 in gift cards. Thank you for shopping at [Store]!”

    Me: “Thank you for your patience. Have a great day!”

    (I grab my bags and start to head out when the woman behind me yells for me. I turn.)

    Customer: “So, do you, like, teach people how to do this?”

    Me: “Yes, I absolutely do, but dumb coupon b****es like me shouldn’t take up the time of people who work for a living like you, so I wouldn’t be able to help you. Enjoy paying for your things!”

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