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    The Power Of The Lanyard

    | Portland, OR, USA | Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

    (I am shopping at a popular punk/pop culture outfitter for some new shirts. I have recently moved onto a nearby college dorm and am wearing a lanyard with my keycard and keys on it that clearly have my school logo on them. I am also wearing a t-shirt referencing a popular rock band and an animated series and have a purple streak dyed in my hair. As I’m stepping out of the dressing room with several shirts, I am approached by two fellow customers.)

    Customer #1: “Hi, is it okay if I try these clothes on after I buy them?”

    Me: “…what?” *thinking she may be asking the employee nearby*

    Customer #1: *looking me in the eye* “Yes, I want to try them on AFTER I purchase them.”

    Me: *deer in headlights* “Uh… I guess there’s no harm in that.”

    Customer #1: “Excellent, thank you!” *goes to pay*

    (Immediately behind her, Customer #2 approaches me, having heard the entirety of our conversation.)

    Customer #2: “Do you have dressing rooms?”

    Me: “Yes…?” *points to the room I just exited*

    (He leaves, and I turn to my friend.)

    Me: “They both thought I worked here!”

    Friend: *laughing* “Maybe you should apply here!”

    (Considering the stupidity of those two customers, maybe I should NOT.)

    Benefitting From A College Education

    | UT, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m the customer here, looking at body jewelry in a popular alternative retail store. To be fair I have several facial piercings and my hair is pink. I’m right out of school so I still have my ID badge hanging out of my pocket.)

    Lady: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Whoops, sorry, hon.”

    (I move out of the way. She follows me and gets in my face.)

    Lady: “I said EXCUSE ME! I need something out of that case.”

    Me: “No, I don’t work—”

    Lady: “I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF YOUR LIP. NOW GET THE F****** CASE OPEN AND STOP BEING RUDE!”

    Me: “I don’t work here! Find someone who does, or better yet, don’t, you nutcase.”

    (She grabs my ID out of my pocket and heads deeper into the store screaming for a manager. Of course I follow, now pretty upset myself.)

    Lady: “I want you to fire this god d*** b**** of an employee right now! I did not come in here to be disrespected by some brat who doesn’t know how to respect her elders!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, she does not work here.”

    (The lady waves my ID at him with a triumphant look.)

    Manager: “Okay, go ahead and give me her ID. Hmm, well, doesn’t look like I can fire her from being a college student, but I can try if it will make you feel better.”

    (The lady takes a closer look, turns bright red, and runs out of the store, almost knocking over a display in her rush.)

    Me: “Well, that was something.”

    Manager: “If it’s not women like her it’s twelve year olds trying to sneak into the back. You’re fired. How about I take your discount card and give you those last three punches?”

    (He gave me my ID back and let me pick out a free piece of jewelry with my purchase.)

    Even The Batcave Has A Woman’s Restroom

    | Gainesville, FL, USA | Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m the customer in this story. I am with my girlfriend and her sister checking out one of the many Halloween stores that just opened up. I have purple and blue hair, a snapback on, facial piercings, and my arm was around my girlfriend’s shoulders. An older woman approaches me.)

    Woman: *says something I don’t catch*

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Woman: “Women’s restroom?”

    Me: “Uh, I don’t know. I don’t work here.”

    Woman: *walks off*

    (I didn’t realize until she left that she must have thought that the fact that I was wearing a lanyard meant I was working. It was a Batman lanyard with my girlfriend’s car keys on it.)

    Must Have Just Come From The Dark Side Of The Moon

    | CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a customer in a store known for employees wearing uniforms of tan khakis and red polo shirts. I am shopping for just a birthday card when another customer comes up to me.)

    Customer: “You! CLEARLY you are a manager here. I’m trying to find some printer paper. Can you help me?”

    Me: *looks down at my blue jeans and Pink Floyd t-shirt* “Uh, actually I don’t work here, so I can’t help you.”

    Customer: *gives me a blank stare*

    Me: “I’m just looking for a card for my mother?” *shows him the cards I’m holding in my hand*

    Customer: “Oh! That’s why you don’t have a shopping cart, because you don’t need one for something small like that!”

    Me: “…yeah. Good luck finding what you need.”

    (Don’t know why no shopping cart + rock band shirt = manager in his mind).

    Driving 100 km In Another Man’s Shoes

    | Roermond, The Netherlands | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

    (I work at the customer service desk in a big outdoor/camping store. One of my jobs is to handle returns. Today, a guy comes in. I greet him.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, hi. I bought shoes here a while ago and they’re damaged. I want new ones.”

    Me: “All right. Did you bring the shoes with you? I would like to take a look.”

    (The customer nods and bends down. I know what is about to happen and so does my coworker. I can tell she’s about to laugh and she walks away to make sure the customer doesn’t see her. He takes one shoe off his foot and put it on the desk. It’s smelly and feels warm.)

    Customer: “There, you see? It’s damaged!”

    (I ask to see his receipt and look up the procedure for this particular brand of shoes. As it turns out, I can’t give him new shoes, but instead, I have to send his shoes in for repair.)

    Customer: “But how am I supposed to do that? I can’t go home without having shoes on! I need you to give me new shoes and I want a refund for the money I spent on gas! I drove over 100 km to get here!”

    (At this point, I notice his t-shirt. It’s a shirt from a local amateur soccer championship in a town very near to where we are. 12 kilometers, tops.)

    Me: “No, sir, I am afraid I can’t do that. I would love to send your shoes in for you. It’s no problem if you decide to come in another time. The procedures won’t change.”

    (The customer then, angrily, took his shoe back, grunted and moaned, and hopped away on one leg.)

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